chlo

guy from school messaged me yesturday basically trying to use me for his benefit. Only a couple years back I had sent him pics ect, I hoped he forgot but he hadn't. Then apparently I made it so obvious that I had been abused. He started saying his brother forced him to do stuff when he was 11 so he understood. He asked me a bit about what happened but kept saying it's ok sexy, everything will be ok baby. Then he sends me topless pics. When I said I was going in the bath he said that would be a pretty sexy sight. He asked what bra size i was when i said too big he said no i love them sexy and tasty too i bet. I just don't know what to think I thought he was genuine but then not but then again maybe I'm just paranoid and over reacting.

TW....... I'm not in a great place right now.

So on Saturday I was sexually assaulted and r by 2 men. The police know and I have been to talk about it, video interviews, forensic evidence, internal examination and swabs, sexual health clinic ect.

Right now I don't feel up to talking a great deal but just wanted to make those who follow me aware I'm struggling right now. And generally just for some moral support or something.

Thanks for taking the time to read

Hi, I don't know if anyone will even remember me, but I just wanted to say I'm back. I guess that's all there is to say.

I haven't really spoke about it to anyone. I have mentioned some things that's going on but not in detail/everything etc. for months, probably over a year easily ive thought about what I want but I find it so hard to think about the future, growing up that's all I did and every time I thought out a plan something happened someone hurt me or let me down. so now I tend to forget about the future that way I cant be let down or disappointed as much.

I have a few things in mind I want to change now though, only it does compromise other peoples plans, and im one of those people who puts everyone else first, even though it hurts. I just feel so stuck and don't know what to do where to turn or who to trust. even if I did manage to put myself first and try change some of these things, I wouldn't know where to start, which one to change first.

Hi, I was just wondering if anyone could give me some advice.

Basically I am currently working with a psychologist, occupational therapist, CPN, support worker, psychiatrist (only foe medication reviews), nurse for physical health.

As you can probably imagine its a lot to deal with and can be rather stressful. But on top of this im having a really really hard time at home. im not ready to move out, but living here isn't helping either.

Could anyone give me any advice/tips at all of how to help cope with everything while staying at home?

Not sure if this is a bit vague for anyone to help, but wanted to keep it short. so if it would help to maybe know a bit more, then just ask I will be as open as I can.

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this, reply etc.

thanks, why isit my day has to just go from bad to worse?! mum had ordered me a coat which came this morning so I tried it on, but it was too tight! now left feeling crappy about myself and how I look

thanks jon just a bad time of year for me I guess but im pushing through even though its hard, just doesn't help when theres so many little things going on at the same time too!!!

I intend to stick around jon but I wont be any help to anyone atm!

Thanks gilly, ive missed you all so much!!

thanks, and im not sure why im nervous. change I guess! Thanks I didn't think anyone would remember me!!

Hi everyone,

been so long since I been on here, had a lot going on, good and bad. not sure if anyone will remember me? i'm super nervous about returning, im not sure why though.

Hope everyone is well

thanks, I do hope so.

I guess, I just hate how it went from good and plumited down to crap, didn't like gradually happen, made it more noticeable and intense I guess!

yeah, I thought things had started to turn a corner, and I was coping with everything, until this crappy patch! I didn't notice any change  or difference or trigger, it just came on! I hae no idea, wish I did know.

hi, I have been having a bad few days, struggling to even log n the last few days, I just don't know whats wrong with me. any advice?

thanks, wish I could say the same thing this morning! I just wish people would understand and not make everything worse for me!

I guess that does make sense.

yeah, the appointment went really well actually. she said they don't normally do it, but shes gonna do a extended assessment where she assesses me over  number of appointments. she said she knows I wont be able to talk to her much, until I get to know her, so this time we just talked about family tree and history (minus the hard stuff) for her to start building up a picture. next time I think we are gonna talk about panic attacks and how to control them. she said shes gonna constantly watch my body language and push a little harder but then back off to make it easier for me. like today she was jumping from negative to positive things to try make iteasier. she explained a bit about what happens in the brain with ptsd, but I didn't reallytake that in. and at the end she got my mum in and asked what she knew about ptsd and then explain to her about what happens in the brain with ptsd to help her understand too. she said she doesn't think in on the right medication, or at least the right dose, so gonna talk about me in the team meeting again on Wednesday and try sort something out, but said might not have medication change till after Christmas, and said she will try do it so I don't need to see a consultant (possibly not consultant might ave been something else but cant remember) but if I have to she said theres another one in the team that is female and said the one that im under wont mind her seeing me as they will understand why. im actually really pleased with how things are going so far. I went in dead nervous thinking I was gonna have to talk about everything again. I see her again on the 23rd.

thanks jon, I never realised before that anxiety is cased by energy, and what you said there really made sense to me. I started doing a journal, but rather than focusing on things widely, like the whole day I focused on one aspect of the day, cleaning. I found looking at it wrote down made me worse I realised how bad things were so had to stop writing it. guess like you say avoiding it. I did draw a lot before anxiety and depression ect but that was all stop, I have recently been trying to get back into it as a friend suggested it but I find it hard to concentrate on th drawings, I will keep on trying though, thanks. I went to see the woman from the adult mental health team again this afternoon. i'm off out now, but will explain a bit about what happened on here later, thanks again.

how do I do that? expose myself to the words?

yeah I do get triggered quite a lot, few times every day. not sure if that more than normal or not. it sees like the longer everything is going on it gets worse, like everyday theres more triggers, but I noticed I tend to think about them a lot, even when the trigger isn't necessarily there through the 'what if' thoughts.

so do you mean, think about a trigger and write down how it cant hurt me and just bad memory stuff like that? and do I have to write what the trigger is, cause one of the biggest triggers is a word and I cant even say it or write it. I did some poems last night actually, not about triggers, well kind of was I guess they were about what happened, never seen myself in such a mess since it happened, maybe too much all at once im not sure.

why cant I deal with triggers?! ive been up all night, not slept because I was triggered!

Im finding it harder and harder to deal with triggers, even the littlest thing, a word, anything that's kind of related triggers me. I hate it and I don't know how to deal with it I feel like triggers are happening more often and I don't know what to do, how do you deal with them?

thanks jon. just want to chill tonight though, so stressed out after today!

sorry for the slow reply, haven't been on until now, cause just haven't had the energy to even pick my laptop up and turn it on. im sorry about last night my anxiety just got higher and higher and needed to tell someone cause I was past the point of scared. they seem to just be getting more demanding and more angry if I ignore them. I was terrified last night, honestly thought they were real was so scared I forgot they weren't.

I really really really need help tonight the voices are shouting and getting really mad. they want me to do stuff but I don't want to but they keep threatening me saying I have to I don't know what to do im scared. please help me