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About this blog

A blog to document my journey after discovering I suffer from Anxiety, what happens, how it makes me feel and how I try to live with it. 

22 yr old female with a loving family, supportive friends and a caring boyfriend. You guys are my backbone. 

Entries in this blog

 

Guilt

I feel guilt. I feel responsibility.  Christmas Day 2014 my nephew was very unwell. He would not eat, he had restless sleeps, his temperature was high and when I held him, trying to comfort him, I could feel his heart pounding like a drum. I knew that was not right. But he had a throat infection and bad cold, Like he did the year before, surely it would be fine.  Boxing Day 2014 approximately 9pm he passed away.  I knew that he was not alright.  In my gut I felt something was
I’llbefineintheend

I’llbefineintheend

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Cha Cha Cha Changes

It’s been a while since I wrote on here.  I’ve avoided it. There have been plenty of times in the last few months when I could have written down my experiences.  I had a horrible, drawn out experience of getting a job and a flat when my uni course ended. It caused me countless sleepless nights, night terrors and bad habits.  I don’t know why I avoided this space. I chose it because it’s not mainstream. But this isn’t a big forum and there is that part of me that wants huge amounts of s
I’llbefineintheend

I’llbefineintheend

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Limits

Tonight I am lying awake. I have been trying to get to sleep for four hours. I’m home from uni for Easter and Home is the complete opposite of my uni home. My uni house is quiet, very little noise, no loud bangs, shouting or anything disturbing. But Home, there is always noise, the washer, the dryer, my mum pottering, my brother screeching, the tv on too loud and do NOT get me wrong. I love my family, I love Home. But going from one extreme to another does something to a girl.  Too much noi
 

Weeping

Sometimes I weep. Sometimes I just cry my eyes out, thinking of a million different things, not knowing the real cause except whatever it is, is making me cry, silent hot droplets down my face. Weeping.  Most of the time I’ll be thinking about my nephew who passed away. Other popular mind topics are dying. My health. My family and friends. My future. Did I mention dying?  Recuring topics that will always be there, they will never go away and sometimes. When the stars aline, the thought
I’llbefineintheend

I’llbefineintheend

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In the midst

I am currently in the middle of an anxiety day.  Last night I had a few drinks, got a bit tipsy at a friends house whilst looking after a his sisters birthday party. We had a lovely time. His parents are welcoming and I’ve met them many times. They took us out for tea during the day, I felt fine. This morning I’ve been very tired and my friends parents took us out for lunch. Somewhere I’d never been and that seems to be somewhat of an anxiety trigger for me. I could feel my tingles over my
I’llbefineintheend

I’llbefineintheend

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Fraying

I can feel myself fraying again. And it is to do with my boyfriend.  I know he would never do anything to hurt me. On purpose. I am a sensitive person, hyper sensitive so the smallest of things can get to me and I have to remember that constantly.  For example, last night I finished a show and it was the end of a 4 week long process and I was tired and I wanted to get home because I wanted to get in bed and I hoped there would be a chance that my boyfriend would be back from work and w
I’llbefineintheend

I’llbefineintheend

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Back into the fire

So I’ve been back at university for a week now and it’s been very different. I do an acting degree which is possibly the most emotionally/physically diverse course you can think of. I am in my third year so they have turned up the heat. Last week I was in 9 hours everyday and was not even home in the evenings because I had assessment and social engagements. Lord almighty I was busy.  Things slipped. I didn’t do my washing up, tidy my room, wash my clothes and I cried at the end of the secon
I’llbefineintheend

I’llbefineintheend

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The feeling of cold marble

3 years ago my nephew died. He was two years old and it was the biggest shock my family has ever had to deal with.  And today he finally got the white marble headstone he deserves x I won’t go into a lot of detail but a lot of my family, including myself, went through counselling. It took four months for anyone to get round to seeing us, that’s just how long it takes apparently.  My mum, sister and brother (who’s child we lost) benefitted quite a bit, they felt they could vent and
I’llbefineintheend

I’llbefineintheend

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Doctors

I hate going to the doctors.  Not only do they bring out all sorts of anxiety symptons when I have to make an appointment and attend the appointment. I always leave feeling worse off then I did before I see them.  Now, I respect these people beyond anything in the world. They work around the clock. They save lives. They get little to no credit. And we expect them to fix us when we don’t even know what is going on ourselves. In that light, I love doctors and it’s why I force myself to s
I’llbefineintheend

I’llbefineintheend

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Zaps and Tingles

Leading up to an attack I’ve noticed some signs.  A few days before my chest will begin to get tight and I’ll get zaps. Which are what I can only describe as quick waves of anxiety that flush through my body that make my throat constrict, mouth go dry, catch my breath and quicken my heart. I actually get zaps nearly everyday and I never acknowledged them coz I didn’t think they were anything, just thought they were my body being weird!  Last week however I had a night time anxiety atta
I’llbefineintheend

I’llbefineintheend

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The First Attack

So it all happened quite out of the blue! And it’s a bit complicated, so I’ll start from the very beginning. The summer of 2017 I developed hay fever, which is not uncommon, especially since it runs in my family. My bodies reaction to the hay fever included some asthma like symptons and I was told by doctors that I had Asthma as well. A shock, since I’d never suffered from it before.  So when summer was over I thought I would be fine, no more hay fever symptoms, no more Asthma because the h
I’llbefineintheend

I’llbefineintheend

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