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I feel trapped in a life I don't want, trapped in a defective body, trapped in my own mind. My anxiety has lessened but I have these days now where I feel defeated, my life is just too hard, I feel self pity and for a moment or two I can have dark thoughts about not taking any more. I don't want to give in... it just feels too much. I'm angry and scared. Then it passes and I plod along again until the next time. I don't like how these days just creep up on me and it usually doesn't take much to bring me there, an argument, money, feeling taken for granted, feeling sick. Sucks.

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Gilly :( Im so sorry to hear that. I can say I feel what you mean about being trapped. It sucks :( Just so you know I think you're amazing! And I really appreciate what youve done with this website xox

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One of those days hey. I went out and it passed, I felt great. Drove passed the garage where we take the car for its service and remembered how last year I was so nervous waiting around for it to be done, and its due in the next few weeks and I thought to myself... wow I'm not remotely nervous this time, progress :) and I felt great. Got home and whammo anxious, went to get chinese food and panic attack wft?? It's been weeks if not a couple months since I've had one.

I swear if this is all related to hormones and peri, I wanna be a man. Oh and I didn't mean being taken for granted here, I meant looking after Mum. But thank you, means a lot :) xoxox

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That's kind of where I feel like I'm at, Gilly. Since I got off the benzos I'm had almost zero anxiety, but as soon as the every day crippling panic left, the depression came in. The health crap, losing my job, ect. I definitely know what you mean. But I think it's really good you mentioned progress. When I get really, really down, that's what I try to focus on. Like last year at this time, I was a complete mess, even four months ago I wasn't leaving the house. Now I am. Just try to focus on that and the ways you've gotten better when the depression sneaks up on you. Hard as that is lol.

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I'm sorry you're feeling it too lauren *hugs* but you are right, in hindsight I'd take feeling like this over that constant crippling anxiety any day, and that is where I was. And its hard, its traumatising. For someone to come through the other side of a long term battle with anxiety and panic, without some depression I think they would be very, very lucky indeed. I'm going to look at this as another step along the road to recovery, a stage, a natural one. Onwards and upwards!! :)

(and I'm sure I will be reading this to remind myself many, many times lol)

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Gilly, so sorry you're having the up and down stuff going on with you, that's a confusing and can be frightening experience. It's really weird, when I think of myself in the past in comparison to how I am today....I mean even just within the past 10 years, I see such a drastic person, just a shell of what I used to be. I was so open and outgoing, loved to be around a lot of people, easy to make new friends and confident, however since moving moving here to CA and marrying Tim and all that's gone on since then, in many aspects I'm so opposite of what I once was. I still enjoy being around people, but i'm a lot quieter at first, it's harder for me to meet people, and i'm not no where near as confident in myself as I once was. I can feel that difference in such a big way and it bothers me. Everyone used to enjoy being around me because I was such a happy and upbeat person all the time, but not really that way anymore, and i'm trying to get back there but not having a lot of luck at it lol. Do y'all ever feel that way also? Like you're a different person than you used to be?

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Yes totally music, I was the kind of person who would run errands for people, someone needed something from town I'd offer to go, I used to shop for an elderly neighbour. Parties, family gatherings I couldn't wait to go. All Crohns permitting of course, but I didn't let a physical disease stop me. Then along came anxiety and panic, funny how just losing a little confidence can cause so much damage. Now i'm so different.

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