I’llbefineintheend

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About I’llbefineintheend

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  1. I feel guilt. I feel responsibility. Christmas Day 2014 my nephew was very unwell. He would not eat, he had restless sleeps, his temperature was high and when I held him, trying to comfort him, I could feel his heart pounding like a drum. I knew that was not right. But he had a throat infection and bad cold, Like he did the year before, surely it would be fine. Boxing Day 2014 approximately 9pm he passed away. I knew that he was not alright. In my gut I felt something was wrong. I did nothing but hold him and sing him songs. And then he died. The guilt I feel is swelling in my throat as I type as I have never actually told anybody before that I feel guilty and that I feel responsible. I could make excuses. I was 19. I’m no doctor. How was I supposed to know it worse then that. It was Christmas Day, what could you do. I KNEW HE DID NOT FEEL RIGHT AND I DID NOTHING. I don’t know if we took him to the hospital if he would have survived. The sepsis was already happening, I don’t know what they could have done for him. They might not have been able to save him but they might have been able to make him comfortable. He spent his last hours in a car seat and his last breaths in the hands of people he didn’t know. i feel responsible for that. I understand in situations as these everyone says that you cannot blame yourself because you didn’t know what was going to happen. Yes, I did not know what was going to happen. But I knew something was not right and I did nothing. And that is worse. My brother has lost his son. And this Christmas, on the fourth anniversary of his death, I can see the cracks in our family clearer then ever. My brother forcing himself to smile. And I could not stop looking at him. Now I cannot sleep as I play the horrific night from years ago in my head over and over. And part of me feels like I deserve the pain and the rest is in utter despair.
  2. It’s been a while since I wrote on here. I’ve avoided it. There have been plenty of times in the last few months when I could have written down my experiences. I had a horrible, drawn out experience of getting a job and a flat when my uni course ended. It caused me countless sleepless nights, night terrors and bad habits. I don’t know why I avoided this space. I chose it because it’s not mainstream. But this isn’t a big forum and there is that part of me that wants huge amounts of support...maybe that’s my ego...or maybe it’s a feeling of mutual experience that I don’t feel I’ve gotten with anyone completely yet. But here I am, back again. And the changes have been huge. I graduated from my course, moved from one city to another, moved in with my boyfriend, started a new job and it’s all been a lot. I know I made good, positive decisions. I’m glad I’m independent and living with a man I love and have a job working with great people and live in a lovely flat. I did good by myself. But settling in is taking a long time. I’m constantly fighting a sense of failure because I haven’t done anything to do with my acting degree. I want to do things but ‘life’ things get in the way but life is for the living and the doing and the pursueing of your dreams, I hear you say?! Oh wait no, that’s my voice, in my head, shouting at me. Telling me I’m wasting my time, my precious time. Oh yes, because I’ve been thinking a lot about death recently too. Dying and not doing any of the things I want to do. Imagining in detail the moment the light goes out. And then freaking out entirely. Yesterday, I cried and cried because I felt so out of control of my anxiety. It consumed me. And I let myself be devoured. Today it was a smaller knot in my chest that I could fool myself into believing it was wind. Tomorrow I don’t know. The day after, I don’t know. Ive been to doctors and been told the most ridiculous useless nonsense of worse...just been told to breathe into a bag. But I am going to go back in there next few weeks and try to get them to properly diagnose me. Oh yeah. I’m not even properly diagnosed. None of my doctors wanted to talk more then 2 minutes about it. So I want it. I want to be diagnosed. I want to be guided towards therapy. I want to be better. I can’t stand to go one with this ticking time machine in my chest. It’s unbearable. I want to be able to fully enjoy what I have managed to piece together in my life right now and have the drive to push forward again. But till next time... i’llbefineintheend
  3. Tonight I am lying awake. I have been trying to get to sleep for four hours. I’m home from uni for Easter and Home is the complete opposite of my uni home. My uni house is quiet, very little noise, no loud bangs, shouting or anything disturbing. But Home, there is always noise, the washer, the dryer, my mum pottering, my brother screeching, the tv on too loud and do NOT get me wrong. I love my family, I love Home. But going from one extreme to another does something to a girl. Too much noise triggers my anxiety, crowded places, bars, cinemas, traffic, the tumble dryer. My ears are sensitive for some reason and all this can really disorientate me, it can give me headaches, makes me snappy with the people I love and then of course makes me hate myself. So in short, I’ve been surrounded by a lot of noise the last few days and my anxiety is building, I can feel it. Tuesday I go to Rome. On a plane. And I have a deathly fear of planes, every time I’ve been on one I have a panic attack, no matter how hard I try to stay calm. I also have my dissertation due in two weeks and I need to be researching and preparing for two shows that I start rehearsing for in three weeks. It’s fair to say I think that my brain has a lot of fuel for the anxiety fire. But what I’ve been thinking about for the last hour is how limited I feel by my anxiety. I feel very limited. I feel terror at the thought of causing a scene on the plane. Which makes me not want to get on the plane and see the world. Thus limited to England. I feel terror at the thought of not succeeding to the level I’m aiming for at uni, failing and embarrassing myself in front my peers. Thus limited to not achieveing my degree. I feel terror at the thought of auditioning and being in a movie or on stage and failing. Thus limited to mundane jobs and failing my dream. I feel terror at not living my life but not knowing how too and being scared to live it in case I get it wrong. Thus, limited to staying safe inside a house, safely existing but hardly living. And you guessed it, I’m scared of that too. Deep down I know you should always keep trying to matter what and failing doesn’t mean your the failure and there’s no wrong way to live your life but then there’s the conflict. Theres the reason I toss and turn and fight with myself for hours. Negative and Positive attitudes raging war within me. I miss my boyfriend, I feel inspired by him, he has a new job at an incredible place and he’s learning so much and working so hard and he’s tired a lot. And I want to be comforted by him so much but I don’t want to ask for it because he has enough to deal with. I need to support him too. I didn’t know what to do with my twilight thoughts and then I remembered I had this place and if I’m honest I wasn’t sure anyone was reading my blogs until I got my first ever comment from Jonathon on my last post and it filled me with lightness. Someone is reading this and understanding and I just can’t quite comprehend that. Because I don’t talk to anyone about any of this, not this honestly at least. So thank you. Thank you so much for reading. I’llbefineintheend
  4. Sometimes I weep. Sometimes I just cry my eyes out, thinking of a million different things, not knowing the real cause except whatever it is, is making me cry, silent hot droplets down my face. Weeping. Most of the time I’ll be thinking about my nephew who passed away. Other popular mind topics are dying. My health. My family and friends. My future. Did I mention dying? Recuring topics that will always be there, they will never go away and sometimes. When the stars aline, the thought of them makes me weep. Weep with fear, alone in a dark room. Waiting to be both completely alone and completely surround all at once. Weeping feels like a release though. It’s not hysterical, panic driven or causes small screams that I stifle with a pillow. I will sit or lay down and the tears will just fall down my face. The heat of them always surprising me. It is a release, it doesn’t necessarily make me feel better but something is open and shared when I weep to myself. Today i weep...I think because I started to think about my nephew but then I started to think about my future and what I want to do. And I’ve been worried about my stomach the last few days too, it’s not felt so great. So im making a promise to myself, this week I’m going to eat healthy, cry if I want to about it haha but I’m going to do it. I’m going to try and make a doctors appointment to take about anxiety medication and I’m going to keep my future creative. Aim for happiness and you can’t go wrong, someone very smart said that to me once. I’llbefineintheend
  5. I am currently in the middle of an anxiety day. Last night I had a few drinks, got a bit tipsy at a friends house whilst looking after a his sisters birthday party. We had a lovely time. His parents are welcoming and I’ve met them many times. They took us out for tea during the day, I felt fine. This morning I’ve been very tired and my friends parents took us out for lunch. Somewhere I’d never been and that seems to be somewhat of an anxiety trigger for me. I could feel my tingles over my body, I began catching my breath, finding it hard to swallow and losing my concentration. I didn’t eat much and I was anxious to leave. I felt awful because I was having a nice time, i was being treated. I’m now in the train back home with my two friends and I am just so tired, my tummy keeps hurting and I’m just not with it. Im frustrated. I haven’t had anything for a little while. And I was proactive this week and went to see a counsellor, who made me feel welcome. I want to put it down to being tired, my body isn’t isn’t in its best state and it’s showing. That’s what I want it too be. Whether it is that or not remains to be answered. For now I’m going to keep as calm as I can on this hurtling train, think of Home, think of my safe space and breathe. Best wishes to you all, I’llbefineintheend
  6. I can feel myself fraying again. And it is to do with my boyfriend. I know he would never do anything to hurt me. On purpose. I am a sensitive person, hyper sensitive so the smallest of things can get to me and I have to remember that constantly. For example, last night I finished a show and it was the end of a 4 week long process and I was tired and I wanted to get home because I wanted to get in bed and I hoped there would be a chance that my boyfriend would be back from work and would want to come over. There were no buses home for ages so I decided to walk the half an hour home, which I normally would do but it was midnight on a Saturday and I like to be safe but nethertheless I walked. I was feeling a bit sad and nervy because the rest of my friends were going out partying but I had lots of bags and I wasn’t dressed right and I dunno, things have to line up right for me to feel like going out. So feeling a bit blue and walking home alone, I called my boyfriend. He didn’t pick up. I got half way home and after feeling like I was being followed I was feeling quite on edge. Of course, it was only another person on the other side of the road and someone behind me just going their own way home possibly but it elevated my state of mind immediately. Then I get a message from my boyfriend saying he’s out in a club (next to the theatre I had just left) with some friends. 5 minutes from home I start hysterically crying, I feel alone, very alone. Now I realise, I’m tired from a long week let alone a long day but I felt very alone I started talking to myself, telling myself that I’ll always end up alone because no one is screwed up in the way I’m screwed up and I began wishing that I was normal and wishing that I was like everyone else, without a brain that doesn’t switch off, without nerves that are so easily damaged and a body that reacts to everything. I continued to cry when I got home, I managed to calm down but I forced myself to stay awake. Like I am now, writing this. Because I didn’t want to try to sleep whilst feeling like I did. And I wanted to see, if I stayed up long enough, would he come to me. And I waited and at 3am he asked if I wanted him to come round and I said yes and he arrived. We got in bed and feel straight asleep. I had him in my arms and I got what I wanted. Right now he is with friends drinking again, like he has every right too. And I am sat in bed writing this because I want him here. I don’t know if I’m protesting, if I’m being a crazy woman? I want him to have a life, of course, I want him to do everything that he wants in life but not being a priority scares me. And he shows me I am when it really matters. If I said I needed him right now, he would come running. We are going to live with each other in a few months and that should be enough. But I can’t shake this feeling that he’s going to love his life and I’m not going to live mine because I sometimes only feel alive when he is here. I don’t want to smother him. I don’t want to be left behind. I don’t want to be a ball and chain. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want him to run away. I don’t want him to find out. I don’t want to be a second thought. I don’t want to be the first. I don’t want to feel like I’m constantly pining for him when he doesn’t pine for me. I’m afraid I love him, want him and need him more then he does me. I’m afraid I want more then he does, that I need more then he does. These are just some of rambles in my head. I’m sure you can imagine how they go on and twist and get deeper and darker. I’m not sure what action I want to take. I just keep telling myself to breathe, that I love him and rationally thinking will come back to me soon. Like it always does, calming me and making me feel like a fool. I’llbefineintheend
  7. Hi there, So I’m not married but I am in a relationship that means the world to me and it has been effected by anxiety so much and when I felt it was becoming overwhelming I went to my sister. I told her everything that was going on and her first question was ‘have you told him all of what you just told me?’ I said no of course not! I don’t want to push him away! And she said ‘how are you pushing him away if your opening the doors to let him in? If he backs away then it’s his own choice not an effect of being honest’. Needless to say, I have a wise and loving older sister! But in my view she is right and although I haven’t told my partner every thought that crosses my mind. I have moved on with him enough to be able to talk to him when I experience anxiety and let him help me through it. If you tell your husband every you have put in this post, you are letting him in, sharing and helping him better understand the woman he married, crazy parts and all. I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck!
  8. I have done this a few times in the last couple of years. I’ve had a few big clear outs and every time I come across something I measure in my mind weither the item makes me positive or negative. And it has done wonders! I cleared up my university room this weekend and I feel a million times better, surrounded by things that make me happy. Would recommend to anyone too! ?
  9. So I’ve been back at university for a week now and it’s been very different. I do an acting degree which is possibly the most emotionally/physically diverse course you can think of. I am in my third year so they have turned up the heat. Last week I was in 9 hours everyday and was not even home in the evenings because I had assessment and social engagements. Lord almighty I was busy. Things slipped. I didn’t do my washing up, tidy my room, wash my clothes and I cried at the end of the second day back because I foresaw the next ten weeks as being as stressful as my first two days. I’m now in my second week back and the flow has already changed. Today I had a half day and tomorrow I have off. How amazing. This weekend I tidied my room and did all my washing and even took up crochet, a leisure activity I hope will help in my thinky thinky times I sometimes have that stop me sleeping. Ive done some really positive things despite my stress, including contacting my university council long service because I realise, even though I feel like I’m entering a good space right now, ignoring the bad moments that have happened will only suppress them. Even if I feel good, I need explanation for the bad times. Im also finding new dynamics in my relationships with people. I realise I won’t be able to see my boyfriend heeps this term because I have a full timetable but I’ve made it a positive, I normal have trouble sleeping without him because my brain starts wandering but I want to use these opportunities to train myself out of that. I’ve been spending quality time with my housemates, playing board games and having a drink which makes me feel secure in our home. I’ve been honest and sharing with my parents which makes me feel better about the fragile states I sometimes get in to. I do feel positive now and I’ll enjoy it, for as long as I can. I never plan to fall back into the hole but the next time I do, I hope I read back on this post and remember that good times can be had and I appreciated this moment in my life right now. Best health and happiness to you all, I’llbefineintheend x
  10. 3 years ago my nephew died. He was two years old and it was the biggest shock my family has ever had to deal with. And today he finally got the white marble headstone he deserves x I won’t go into a lot of detail but a lot of my family, including myself, went through counselling. It took four months for anyone to get round to seeing us, that’s just how long it takes apparently. My mum, sister and brother (who’s child we lost) benefitted quite a bit, they felt they could vent and was being heard. My counsellor was young, not much older then I was and I was 19 at the time. It seemed like to me she didn’t have any experience with bereavement counselling. I felt sorry for her, she seemed new. She did everything by the book and in the end tried to take me down a different path, she tried to treat me for my worrying. Worry therapy. I was full of sadness, rage, frustration and hopelessness. But she didn’t know how to help me. And it was my fault really. I told her I had had one thought about killing myself and I had dismissed it because it wasn’t the road I wanted to go down, for myself and my family. We had all lost too much already. But every time she saw me it looked like she was glad I hadn’t topped myself and just focused on me filling out worry diaries. I began to lie to her. Telling her everything was feeling better. I was feeling more optimistic. I thanked her for her help and didn’t return to her again. I went to 6 sessions over 3 months. And because I pushed everything down it creeps up on me every now and then. I get Day dreams were I live out the events of the night he died. I get the pain as if it was happening all over again. I suppose I’ve shocked my nerves, I’ve shaken my core. I threw myself in to living again, saying that everything I do now will be in the name of my nephew, so he can carry on living through me. I went to university with the thought of him powering me forward. And I’m nearly at the end of that journey, I’m in my final year, I’m doing really well on my course. But still I get these attacks, visions and low moments. I didn’t get the help I needed because I didn’t know how to get it and I was tired and weak. But now is the time I suppose. Better late then never! To My Nephew, I love you, I miss you, I live for you and I’ll see you again one day Your loving auntie x
  11. I hate going to the doctors. Not only do they bring out all sorts of anxiety symptons when I have to make an appointment and attend the appointment. I always leave feeling worse off then I did before I see them. Now, I respect these people beyond anything in the world. They work around the clock. They save lives. They get little to no credit. And we expect them to fix us when we don’t even know what is going on ourselves. In that light, I love doctors and it’s why I force myself to see them. I say I hate the doctors every opportunity I get for many reasons. I hate sitting in the waiting room. I hate calling up for an appointment. I hate sitting there explaining what’s wrong with me. Those are the bits I hate. I don’t hate the actual people. But there is one doctor who really screwed me over one time and I obviously haven’t gotten over that experience, he can go screw himself! Anyway, my point is. When I talk to a doctor about physical symptons, If I’m ill or injured, they check me over, they tell me what it is and they help me. The last three doctors I’ve been to I’ve tried to talk to them about my Anxiety. What I can do to help myself? And all three just said, keep calm and breathe into a paper bag. Breathe into a paper bag? Keep calm? The frustration, the anger I feel now when I’m told to JUST do that is overwhelming. I saw a doctor earlier this week who told me the same thing. I repeated my question in reaction to her answer, I said ‘Okay yeah, I’ll get a paper bag sure but what can I do to help myself?’ And she palmed me off with the paper bag, keep calm and maybe get a counsellor spiel. I said thank you, happy new year and left the room in a hurry because the anger was boiling up inside me. Deep down, I know it’s not their fault. They have so many patients every day, help people with so many different problems. They can’t help me in the ten minutes they have. Not with what I’ve got. I am going to get counselling. I have looked up a place that might be able to help me. I am determined. But I feel scared for the people who don’t have the fire that I have inside me to get better, who will just breathe into a paper bag for their whole lives and not pursue anything beyond that bit of advice. My anxiety scares me. But it also makes me angry because I don’t want it to stop me. Anger feels like the water to quench the flame at the moment. No paper bag for me.
  12. Leading up to an attack I’ve noticed some signs. A few days before my chest will begin to get tight and I’ll get zaps. Which are what I can only describe as quick waves of anxiety that flush through my body that make my throat constrict, mouth go dry, catch my breath and quicken my heart. I actually get zaps nearly everyday and I never acknowledged them coz I didn’t think they were anything, just thought they were my body being weird! Last week however I had a night time anxiety attack. This last week I’ve been ill with Gastritis and being ill, which I’m learning, is a major trigger for me. Anything wrong with my body or out of the ordinary and my mind goes on a whirlwind of adventures. In two days I summarised that I could possibly: -Be pregnant -Have kidney failure -Have appendicitis -Have a blood Clot -Have stomach ulcers -Liver failure -Kidney stones -Chest Infection -Thombosis Thats a lot to process when you just read it, right? Well all that was in my head and circulating for days! So I’m lying in bed, my chest is tight and my stomach is in pain and all of a sudden my leg starts twitching and I get these Mega Zaps from head to toe which take my breath away. I get these right stabbing feelings in my left boob. And I feel like I’m dying, I’m terrified I’m having a stroke or MAYBE THE BLOOD CLOT IS IN MY HEART, MAYBE MY KIDNEYS HAVE SHUT DOWN, MAYBE MY APPENDIX HAS BURST!! I keep as calm as I can. Panic makes things worse. We all know that. So I lay there and breathe. I hold my breath in as long as I can do I keep my Carbon Dioxide levels steady. But the Mega Zaps keep going. Now I’m crying too. And as if by magic my boyfriend messages me asking about my day, I tell him what’s going on and he just lets me talk and I feel calm and my brain slowly gets distracted until I forget what was even happening. I then fall asleep. Phew! Over! But I wake the next morning on edge because where did it come from? I am a third year uni student, I have a lot more on my plate then a lot of courses because my course needs me to be physically fit and mentally engaged constantly. I am looking for a house for next year. I am trying to keep on top of weight. I am trying to look after my family. I am trying to maintain long distance friendships. And I refuse to believe this is causing me so much stress that I am paying for it in other ways. But that also might be the problem. Thoughts? Today I emailed a counsellor, to try and get on top of this condition. I want to be better, I refuse to live in this state. I want to beat this. So here’s to the fight! Peace Out, illbefineintheend x
  13. So it all happened quite out of the blue! And it’s a bit complicated, so I’ll start from the very beginning. The summer of 2017 I developed hay fever, which is not uncommon, especially since it runs in my family. My bodies reaction to the hay fever included some asthma like symptons and I was told by doctors that I had Asthma as well. A shock, since I’d never suffered from it before. So when summer was over I thought I would be fine, no more hay fever symptoms, no more Asthma because the hay fever season was over! Oh how wrong I was. Beginning of November 2017 I start getting ‘Asthma’ symptons, a tight chest, hard to breathe etc. But the weather had changed, it had gotten very cold and I thought my long walks to uni had just let the cold air get to me. 4th of November arrives, it’s my first year anniversary with my boyfriend and I’m very excited. I get dressed at uni and meet him straight after and my chest gets really tight. We go for a drink and I relax and then we go to a restaurant and all manner of things start to happen. I cant catch my breath. My heart is racing, my leg twitches, my face twitches, I’m cold and hot and I feel like I’m going to faint in the middle of the restaurant. I excuse myself to go to the bathroom and because I think it’s my asthma I take a few puffs on my inhaler. No good. I stare in the bathroom mirror and tell myself not to screw this up, it’s an important special day. I go back to the table, my boyfriend is very concerned. Our starter comes and I can’t swallow. Everything is getting caught and waves of panic rush through me when I can’t swallow and I choke. I don’t understand what’s happening. My boyfriend asks if I want to go home. I say no but I really want to. I explain to him how I’m feeling and he holds my hand and tells me I’m shaking. I didn’t even notice that both my hands were trembling. He asks if I want to go home again, I say no. Our main comes and I feel sick to my stomach. I can’t move. I can’t think. I can’t talk. My boyfriend looks terrified. But I manage to get out that he should eat, I want him to eat and then we can go. So he eats, flashing me concerned looks and I feel so much guilt, disappointment and fear running through me. I’m holding my necklace over my mouth and I just look down. A waiter comes over to ask if there’s anything wrong with my food and I don’t know what to say, so quietly I say I don’t feel well but don’t worry and she asks again coz she doesn’t hear me and I just want to cry. I repeat myself louder and she leaves. My boyfriend decides he’s finished his meal, even though I can see he has only eaten half and asks if I want to get some air. I say yes and he takes me outside, he gets stopped by one of the waiters asking if I need anything and I just rush outside. The cold air does nothing. I feel faint and sick and it’s not getting any better. My boyfriend comes out and I ask him to go pay and grab my things because I need to go home. He returns quick as a flash and helps me into my coat and then I start to cry and shake violently. He held me close and all I could get out of my mouth was that I was scared. He whisked me onto a bus immediately and it was one that could either take us home or to the hospital. And he asked me a few times if I needed to go to the hospital. But I knew if I got home and got in my bed I would feel better, I just knew it. So he took me home and did breathing exercises all the way back with me. And when we got back he comforted me until I calmed down and I cried again and explained how I had ruined our special day. He told me, it didn’t matter because everyday is special and he loved me more then anything. So I had calmed down. And I had also realised in that evening how much of a wonderful person my boyfriend was. I don’t know what I would have done without his support through that ordeal. So that’s the end right? NO So I wake up the next day and my chest is tight again, so I go up to the uni doctors, they are shut. I call my GP twelve times, no answer. So I sit on a wall and start google searching things like ‘asthma help?’ and I come across the number for Asthma UK, I call the charity number and get through to a very sympathic nurse who listens to all of my description of the night before and what I was feeling and proceeds to tell me that I need to go to A&E ASAP and get a stronger inhaler and steroids because my Asthma was putting me in the danger zone. So I hang up, cry and call my boyfriend, who THANK GOD had the day off, he meets me half way to the hospital and I see a Doctor called Juan. Juan listens to my tale of woe and then looks me straight in the eye and says. You don’t have Asthma. He then checks me over to double check and looks at me again. You don’t have Asthma. So I stare at him back, begin to cry and say ‘Well what the hell happened to me then?’ And I wasn’t expecting what came out of his mouth next ‘You had a severe anxiety attack’. He then went on to explain that my hay fever does give me asthma like symptoms but that’s all they are, they are asthma LIKE not actual asthma. And he was dumbfounded that 3 doctors had told me that I have Asthma when they have listened to my symptons and checked me over. He couldn’t explain to me why I had had an anxiety attack the previous evening. He thinks it was brought on by the excitement I was feeling, mixed with the nerves of it being a big date, it being cold outside and warm inside etc etc. But I’d never had such a huge physical reaction before to anything like that before. I asked him how I could help myself and he just said I needed to relax but more less just take a chill pill and ride it out because until I’m 26 and my brain stops developing then I’m more or less going to be on this rollercoaster of highs and lows I can’t control. Well Done Juan, tell the newly diagnosed anxiety patient that nothings in her control and she’ll just have to deal with it, shake her hand and tell her good luck. So that was it. I left with my boyfriend who took me home, cooked for me and forced me to relax in front of the tv. Now I think it’s important to disclose that I’m not a stranger to anxiety, like I get anxious in big crowds and I have claustrophobia and I’m a certified worry wort and I’m a good pals with ye old depression that likes to come visit a couple of times a year to let me know she’s still around. And my god, I’ve had my share of panic attacks, screaming and crying myself to sleep when my overactive vivid imagination runs a little bit too wild. But a panic attack is nothing like an anxiety attack. Not in my experience. They feel totally different. Now I don’t know if my panic attacks have developed into anxiety attacks or if they will be separate experiences but Panic Attacks for me, come on when I’m alone, normally at night when I’m over thinking and it’s all personally and short lived and I’m fine, if a bit touchy the next day. Anxiety Attacks creep up on me for a few days now and then bam! Doesn’t matter where I am or who I’m with, uncontrollable physical reactions that I can’t hide. And it’s terrifying to be left to your own devices, you feel like a ticking bomb and you don’t know when you are going to go off next. Especially when all they tell you to do is Breathe into a paper bag. I don’t know how to help myself but I plan to find out. Thanks for reading, peace out! illbefineintheend x