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About CaseyTally

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  • Birthday 03/20/1992

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  1. Hi everyone, i haven't been on here in a while. Been very busy and actually doing a little bit better. I just had back surgery and was home bound for 2 weeks. Finally, I was approved to go back to work tonight. I feel like I've been making progress with my anxiety and depression. With my anxiety, I'm able to answer my distorted thoughts and calm them down. I recognize them as irrational and most of the time (not all) I'm able to control them and not reach the point of an anxiety attack. But I have to do this all day and it's exhausting. I want to get to the point again that the thoughts stop coming and I won't have to constantly talk myself through them. Logically, I'm hoping that they come less and less. I'm working on mindfulness and recognizing the thoughts as just thoughts and letting them be. It's a 24 hour job and I just want it to end. I've gotten through it before and was in remission for years. This time I feel like it is never going to ease up. But I feel closer. My depression is easing up but not really. I have good days and bad days. On the bad days, if I get bad thoughts, I remind myself that it's the depression talking and not me! I'm trying to get a new psych. My current one is a real a-hole and I'm desperately in need of a change of meds. He refuses. My therapist says he thinks that the meds will really help me. I feel as though the meds I'm on right now doesn't help me at all! What's the point of putting all those chemicals in my body if I'm not getting a significant effect? Idk why I'm sharing all this but my hope is that someone can give me some insight on how or if they ever got over the hump. How if one day the thoughts just dissipate and I have a day where I don't think about my anxiety. thanks all.
  2. You're welcome. I'm glad you like it. It's true for me, too. I'm like two totally different people. I'm also learning kindness and compassion towards yourself can be very beneficial. At moments when I have no other choice, I can muster up the courage to be forceful like that as well. I'm so tired and so drained battling this thing. I want relief.
  3. MORNINGS = WORST Arrow, I'm the same way. I sleep well and I wake up doing pretty well. But then I remember I have anxiety and I create it for myself. This morning was particularly bad. Had an emotional attack (I don't call mine panic because I don't panic I cry). It took me a while but I eventually calmed down and then had to sleep it off for a few hours. Luckily, I work nights. I always feel better at night. After around 5-6 o'clock I start to feel better and by the end of the night when my day is over I can feel virtually anxiety free and I wonder what I was so worried about in the first place. It's an awful pattern and I want to break it!
  4. I shared this with a new friend and they encouraged me to share it with you all. This is what I do sometimes when I'm having a good moment: I write a note to myself in my phone as a reminder that whatever uncomfortable thoughts or feelings I am experiencing will pass. I write it in a style that speaks to my anxiety and panic...sort of answering its doubts. The next day if I'm feeling bad I open it up and read it over and over. It helps me get through my day. Here is the latest one... "Casey- Relief is possible. You are feeling anxiety free at this moment. And you have joy and happiness and peace and calm. You just need to push through the tough times to get to the good times. You can do it! Anxiety and depression are tricky monsters that LIE to you! They say you can't do it and life is not worth living and to be scared. But they're lying! It's 100% worth it. You will be okay! Don't forget it! BELIEVE IT! If you're crying now, know it will pass. You've got this Casey. You're a fighter and you're strong. You can beat it! Don't listen to the monster. You are too smart! It will pass. I promise it will pass!!! DO NOT LISTEN TO IT. IT'S LYING TO YOU! BELIEVE IT WILL PASS CASEY!!!" I may do a video on my phone next time...we will see! Let me know if this is useful for you! sending positive vibes your way
  5. Hi Daisy, I actually feel the opposite! I feel awful awful awful in the morning and midday and then by the night time I calm down and feel good. Like Johnathan said, in the morning we feel low. I am working on trying to carry the good feeling into the next day. Not so sure how to do that yet but we will figure it out I guess.
  6. Wendi I'm going through the same thing right now. About a "set back". My anxiety isn't health anxiety but I can relate. I wasn't on here for a few weeks either. And then BAM it comes back. You're not alone!
  7. Thank you both. I should use this as a learning opportunity. I did feel it coming on. I knew it. So I need to reevaluate what happened last week to get my finger on why I'm in the midst of my panic again. I have to remember that just because I'm feeling good doesn't mean I should stop using techniques to help with my panic (meditation, rest, journaling, therapy, etc.) It really helps hearing from people who understand me. And I appreciate your kind ad encouraging words so much. Deep down I know this doesn't last forever and I'll get better. For example, yesterday I felt like absolute shit...but was able to get through work. I went to a "meetup" for people with anxiety/depression and actually was really glad I went. And at night I felt anxiety free and had a relaxing evening with my boyfriend. I said to my boyfriend last night as I was having a good moment "I wish I could feel like this all the time". I can...but it takes time. Every day I feel a little bit better. I was doing great for 2 weeks asI said, almost 90% anxiety free. But alas, setback. I get mad at "it". Why Me? I need to recognize how far I've come and that I'll continue to make progress and this is just a bump in the road. I'm strong but it's exhausting. And I have a lot of fear and I'm afraid of the "fear" but I don't really know what I'm afraid of. That's the definition of anxiety I guess? I need to work on my self esteem. Because I don't believe in myself sometimes even though everyone else around me does.
  8. I haven't been active for a few weeks on here because I have been doing so well. I kind of just snapped out of it one day and started to feel great! This week I started to feel my anxiety coming on. I was trying to do my best and use all my coping mechanisms to combat the problem. However, yesterday I just succumbed to my feelings and had a panic attack! I was able to calm myself down enough to not be freaking out but I was emotional the whole night. I had to suck it up and go to a family party. Luckily everyone in my family is aware of my disorder and is very non-judgmental so I didn't feel I needed to hide my emotions. Today I am feeling weepy and terrible and anxious. I have an hour and 45 min left of work and I'm pushing through. I'm so frustrated this came back. I don't like setbacks. I get terrified of feeling like this everyday. I try to remind myself that I will snap out of it and feel better. It's such a hard battle. I hate it and I resent it and I know I'm supposed to accept it but I can't. I need some help. Who else has experienced set backs?
  9. Hi, I definitely agree with Joy that it's DR/DP. I've experienced A LOT for the past 10 years and it's not fun. But it's a common symptom of anxiety. I used to get it so bad and have panic attacks because of it. I'm not going to focus on telling you how awful it is, because you already know that. But there is a way out of it! I promise you'll start to feel better. You just need the right help. I suggest you see a psychiatrist to give you an evaluation and official diagnosis. They may prescribe you some meds to help you out. (I've been taking meds for a while, there's no shame using medication to help you get better). The next step is to find a cognitive behavioral therapist to help you get through your DP AND DR. Their goal will be to teach you to not be afraid of the sensations (which they're only sensations) that the world is unreal/dreamlike. Once you lose the initial fear of the feeling and just sort of "roll" with it, it will slowly begin to subside. I know what you're going through. You're not crazy! (Although it may feel that way right now) This has not ruined your life because you are only 17! This is only temporary and you will overcome this! I know this seems impossible right now but it's true. I believe in you. I'm not saying it will never return or it won't be a struggle. I've had flair ups along the way and I'm just getting over a recent one. But it always gets better. Take care of yourself, see the right doctors, and commit to your recovery. Once you have an idea of what's going on and understand what's happening, you'll be better to explain this to your parents/girlfriend. I hope I could be helpful. I'm sending you strength.
  10. I think I am going to see a chiro there's a lot in New York where I live. Yes, hopefully healing can occur without surgery. Fingers crossed!
  11. CaseyTally

    Venting #2

    You're right Jonathan! It's both a blessing and a curse to feel and care so deeply.
  12. CaseyTally

    Venting #2

    Cmay, I know a lot of people who look like they have the best social life and life in general on the social media accounts. But in reality, their lives are a completely disaster. It is all a charade. I struggle with this too, wishing I was "normal" like everyone else. I would go on FB, insta, etc and see all of these posts and feel so inadequate and even jealous that I can't live a life like theirs. It's important to remember that social media is an outlet where people show the best version of themselves, and also can present themselves in a way that is definitely not reality. You never know what these people are going through. They could be struggling just the same. If you looked at my instagram account, you would not find any indication that I suffer from panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and depression. You'd probably say "wow I wish I was normal like that girl!" Meanwhile, I am going through similar issues as you are. Even when you see people in the store, the mall, work, don't know what lies behind that smile. I go places all the time and look at the crowds...I think "wow why can't I be normal and anxiety free like them" BUT they might be looking at me saying the SAME EXACT THING. Not everyone can easily connect to others. It means our brains are different, we think different. Which isn't bad. It's actually good. But you will find a small circle of people to surround yourself with that you can connect to. If it's just your family, that is completely fine! If it's only one friend, then that's fine as well. You are not alone, although it's easy to feel that way. I feel that way even when I'm surrounded by people. Don't give up on yourself, there is nothing "wrong"with you at all. Maybe try reaching out to some old friends? Try going to a meetup to meet people with similar interests. You can always reach out to me, or anyone else on this site. We are all in this together. I wish you the best of luck and I'm sending you strength.
  13. Hello! I wanted to share something going on with me that is separate from my anxiety/panic/depression. (The story of why I have anxiety/panic/depression does not seem like an important detail to tell. I only want to share the journey of recovery.) For a few years now I've had trouble with my lower back. Nothing too serious (so I thought). If I began to feel pain I would just take it easy for a few days and treat it with rest, ice, and Aleve. BUT about a month or so ago, right after my anxiety/panic returned, I woke up with excruciating pain down my whole left leg. I couldn't feel my toes or outside of my left foot. I could barely walk. I started taking heavy doses of Motrin and using ice, but it was no use. I figured the pain would eventually subside but it wouldn't let up. Finally I went to my doc and they kind of down played it, thinking I was just being sensitive. They sent me for Xrays and put me on a prescription strength Aleve (naproxen). They also put in a request for an MRI. Long story short they rejected my MRI 3 times. I went back my Doc for a different problem and I told him the problem was persisting. I received a referral to the spine specialist. Finally the specialist got me and MRI and I began physical therapy. Well, yesterday I saw the specialist to go over the's not good. I have two herniated discs. One of which is so degenerated that there is practically no disc between the vertebrae. The disc is laying onto of the sciatic nerve completely covering it. If that isn't repaired, I could have permanent damage of the nerve forever. Which means numb foot for the rest of my life. (Oh, did I mention I am a dance teacher for a living so MOVING is my livelihood?) He said he may have to do surgery! I DO NOT WANT SURGERY! I don't want to take any narcotics because it messes with my anxiety. So for now, I will continue PT and they're going to give me cortisol shots! Yuck. And if that doesn't work I will get "minimally invasive" surgery to shave down the disc off the nerve. I'm in a lot of pain and I'm very upset because this is a lifelong problem and I am only 24. I'm scared it will ruin my career. I can't run, lunge, or squat. So my gym activity is very very limited. This is exacerbating my anxiety/panic because it is an additional stressor that affects my overall attitude plus increases my levels of tension in the body. Now I am seeing two types of therapists...a cognitive behavioral therapists and a physical therapist. I am not a healthy girl right now and I am frustrated and scared. I'm putting so much effort into getting better it exhausts me. My social life has suffered a lot but I everyone is telling me that I HAVE to take care of myself right now and put ME first. I have difficulty with that. If anyone is reading this, did you ever experience a significant injury like mine? How did you overcome it? Did it make your anxiety worse? How did you cope? Thanks for the read. Sorry to ramble.
  14. Sometimes I do want to be insensitive and not care, lol. Seems like it would be easier. I have emerged from it. 3 times before. And I live life completely anxiety free before it returns. It's so frustrating. But maybe each time I do become a stronger and better person. Who knows. as I write this I just woke up 7am I can't go back to sleep. I'm nauseous, hot, and have a headache. I just want relief
  15. We can look up the medical reasons but that still doesn't explain why we have to feel these things. It's awful I have very similar symptoms. Headache nausea and shakiness. They're physical symptoms that are difficult to accept and ride the wave with. It sucks. I'm here with you.