i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in november, 2011, but had been experiencing the symptoms of it for much longer before.
the past 6 years, my social life has been alternating between having a couple friends, and going through long stretches with no friends whatsoever. at first, the lack of friends was because i wasn't able to control my feelings, whether it was me overwhelming people i had just met with affection, or me blowing up and raging at the few people that still hung around and cared about me. now i feel more in control of my outward expression towards people, but at the cost of having to almost bottle my feelings until i have to let them out not with affection or rage but by pushing everyone away and punishing myself.
i feel feelings a lot stronger and faster than most people do. i also have a lot of very extreme black and white thinking and can be very easily disillusioned. i feel like if im not very important to someone, then there is no point in having any association with them at all. if i feel unimportant or ignored by somebody i care about i'll immediately become numb and indifferent towards them until i feel acknowledged or needed again, at which point id go back to basically loving the person.
on top of that just a lot of drastic impulsivity even as a result of the most inconsequential things. i just feel very lonely, and learning my lessons is coming slowly.
can anybody relate at all?