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DoxieMoxie

Having a hard time again....

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DoxieMoxie    30

Hi all,

After having felt quite a bit better the last week or so, with my knee/leg symptoms having gone away, I feel like I've really fallen off the wagon again since yesterday.

It also started when the twitches in my left hand and arm really kicked up again.  At first, I did well just accepting it and letting it float by, but then I looked down at my hands, and thought the muscles on my left hand (especially the one below my thumb on the palm, and the one on the top of my hand between the thumb and index finger) looked smaller than the ones on my right hand.  Of course, I know that I am right handed, use my right hand more, and that probably accounts for the difference, but for some reason it really freaked me out, and I started poking the muscles, of course finding that the ones on my right hand are more firm.    

Since then I have had lots of little tiny twitches in my palm, wrist, and between my thumb and index fingers on my left hand, sometimes moving the fingers.  My left hand also feels "weird" (not quite pins and needles, but like there is a lot of adrenaline); I have the occasional tingles/weird sensations in it; the hand sweats a lot; and it also appears to have some trembling/shaking, especially when I hold it out/up.  Sometimes, it's hard to distinguish what is a tremor and what is a twitch at times.  The more I focus and worry about it, the more I notice the symptoms.  I am sure this is anxiety driven, but of course I always worry.  I still have twitches in other parts of my body too (legs, back, right arm, etc.), but definitely more pronounced in the left hand/forearm.  It of course totally fuels my A** fear.   

I know I haven't been doing myself any favors either, because I have been doing lots of strength testing with that hand.  Picking up heavy files, using one of those hand rehab squeezers, resistance exercises with a rubber band, making a fist, extensions, etc.  I can do all those things, but have a lot of perceived weakness.  Sometimes when I hold a cup or glass, it feels like I'm going to lose my grip, but the cup/glass doesn't actually fall.

I don't even really know what it is I want with this post, other than perhaps some reassurance and encouragement.  Feeling really down today, especially because I thought I was making progress. :(    

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NervUs    48

Don't be too hard on yourself. This process is not linear. Cling to the success you already had and try to think about strategies that worked and work them again!

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Mark G    873

Thats a classic example of how anxiety sneaks up on you and creates a new fearful connection right there.

1 hour ago, DoxieMoxie said:

Sometimes when I hold a cup or glass, it feels like I'm going to lose my grip, but the cup/glass doesn't actually fall.

That is because the sense of weakness is perceived through the focus of anxiety.  If you set up a fearful belief that your hand is weaker, you start to behave like it is and your interpretation of the sensations felt by your hand alters to match.  The feedback from your hand to the brain gets muddled and misinterpreted as the anticipation and expectation alter the feeling you get.  It's focused introspection.  The mind is so powerful.

 

1 hour ago, DoxieMoxie said:

especially because I thought I was making progress.

You're in setback, this happens all the time but the good thing is that you have not lost the progress you have gained, that remains and will click back in once the setback fades away.  I try to use setback as an opportunity to practice acceptance and all the tools i have gathered over the years.  It can be very helpful so like @NervUs has said, don't be so hard on yourself, you're making great progress.

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DoxieMoxie    30

Thanks for the encouragement you guys.  It really means a lot.  It's a strange thing this process of conquering anxiety - it's something you have to work on hard while at the same time not working hard; being passive and non-reactive.

It got me badly again this time with its fear tactics, but I know I can get through this.  

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Mark G    873
5 minutes ago, DoxieMoxie said:

process of conquering anxiety

Try not to think of it as a fight to conquer,  that feeds anxiety.  It wants nothing more than for you to pitch a fight against it because it knows that it will always have the upper hand that way.  Think of it more in the way of an acceptance, an understanding to let it be, to allow it.  This naturally removes the fear and disarms anxiety without you heaving to throw all you have at it.  It can't beat you if your not playing it's game.

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enidoreilley    11
15 hours ago, Mark G said:

Try not to think of it as a fight to conquer,  that feeds anxiety.  It wants nothing more than for you to pitch a fight against it because it knows that it will always have the upper hand that way.  Think of it more in the way of an acceptance, an understanding to let it be, to allow it.  This naturally removes the fear and disarms anxiety without you heaving to throw all you have at it.  It can't beat you if your not playing it's game.

I really like this thinking. I, too, always think it's something I have to beat. I will try to keep this in mind. I have slept 20 of the last 24 hours with the help of Atarax and am pretty sure I've given up fighting or not fighting anything.

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Mark G    873
3 hours ago, enidoreilley said:

I really like this thinking. I, too, always think it's something I have to beat. I will try to keep this in mind. I have slept 20 of the last 24 hours with the help of Atarax and am pretty sure I've given up fighting or not fighting anything.

Yes, remove the fight.  I know that sounds like the wrong thing to do because we are preprogrammed to fight something that we deem to be dangerous but the fight in this case is the fuel.  Running is attempting to escape and escape is a fear response so anxiety also likes this approach.

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AmelOK    4

I'm  not in a position to give advice. I've twitched for a while all over but since Friday there is a pulsing twitch between my right thumb and index finger 24/7. I am typing this on my phone using my thumb, haven't had any issues opening jars, writing or anything of the sorts but its weird to look down at my hand and see twitching that won't stop. We need to hang in there. I'm trying not to freak out because I don't want to go back to when I wasn't sleeping, having hear palpitations etc.

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