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  1. Today
  2. Holls

    This just happened

    That's awesome. Glad to hear that you are letting the thoughts come in and flow right back out and not acting on them. Also I'm happy to hear you found a place to help you with the anxiety. You will learn a lot of great tools to help the anxiety. You are making wonderful progress and steps in the right direction. Set backs are so normal, so if you have a day you give in a little don't get discouraged. Set backs mean you are doing better. Hugs!!! So excited for you!!
  3. Nutmegbella

    This just happened

    Hey guys sorry for finally getting back to this. I am doing good. My anxiety has been more manageable these last few days and I’ve just been happy with that and enjoying it. I’ve felt multiple sensations that did cause somewhat of an initial reaction but then I just took a deep breath let it out slow and distracted myself. But here’s the thing I know I should just be happy with this but I am thinking why is it more easy right now is it just because the anxiety has calmed down a bit or did that thinking process really help? Does that make sense? @jlmwz316 Thanks to family we found a place that will be able to help me get some counseling, aside from the whole imsurance thing when I was in counseling i had issues finding a therapist that knew about health anxiety, as in how to help me out. And this place has a specific specialized area in hypochondria! I was really happy to see that. I’ve got an appointment for August. So that’s looking up.
  4. Holls

    Please help me- I need clarity

    Progress is progress. That's a big deal. You did good today. I understand wanting and needing a safe environment for your family and you really have done that. You are an awesome momma.. hugs sweet lady. Rest easy knowing you did everything right and then some.
  5. NervUs

    Please help me- I need clarity

    I think I made a breakthrough with this. It's never totally straightforward, so I didn't get to where I want to be entirely, but I made progress. I spent my entire day on this basically. By the end of the day, I got to the point that I actually touched dirt with my bare finger and just washed it off with soap. It was a little symbol but progress. My big task was to fill the edges of the poop pit as I am now calling it, since removing a deck board (I am using it as edging, but I ended up with two extras back there when the guys came to do my deck originally) opened a little space that needed the gravel. I was doing good at first, realizing the pit is clean, walking on the gravel normally, but then I did something out of sequence, I didn't have my mask on properly, and I freaked for some reason. I also realized I used a piece of wood to level the gravel that I wasn't sure had been decontaminated (in my mind everything in there is contaminated, even though I have cleaned it and poured boiling water and torched numerous times, most recently just top layers through). Anyhoo, this set me back and I got myself into the boiling water feedback loop again. I spent a ridiculous amount of time pouring water over the spots I thought I had touched with the wood. I realized that making what I perceive to be one tiny mistake or breach of CDC protocol is a trigger for me. I know intellectually it is impossible to follow that protocol exactly, and it is also probably impossible to contain the dirt entirely (like some will get tracked, even by absolute professionals). I wish the CDC would mention that in their materials, argh! But, by the end of pouring the boiling water again for the 8000th time, I really felt done, like I could walk on it now. I didn't clean the deck after coming out of the poop pit, which is something I have felt compelled to do everytime and is actually progress. I realize I have to give this up. I also realized the dirt in the driveway was probably not from the deck boards I laid out there. But, too late...I spent half the day cleaning up the driveway, but was walking on it again without fear or thoughts (even took my shoes off out there). So, I think I made progress. I am seeing it more clearly. My brain wants to tell myself I'm a failure and that I am failing to take care of my kids properly if I can't keep them entirely safe. I really think that is a part of this. I realized today that nothing about what I am doing is aimed at controlling them (a question I had to ask myself b/c one of my parents is very controlling and uses germs and cleanliness as control). I realized my sitch is different than that parent because I really just want our environment to be safe so they can do what they want to do, be free, etc. I realize I need to give it up and accept whatever risk is there is there, and that this risk exists other places we go too, I just don't know about it. I do still feel conflicts about other little kids coming here, but my teenager is going to have a party and I am thinking it will be okay, even though they will traipse all over. So progress. It might not sound like it is, but it was a little bit of progress.
  6. Holls

    Please help me- I need clarity

    Allow yourself to relax about this. 2 years is a long time to carry this worry. Hugs. It's safe and time to go ahead and let it go. You really did all the right things. You went above and beyond for your family. Your mind is telling you untrue things.
  7. I'm so sorry that you are going through this with your friend.. you have been checked and that's good news. So anytime you start to test and feel you need to remind yourself I've been checked, I've been checked and resist the urge. I did the same.. it's almost like survivors guilt... I felt bad about being healthy when my friend was sick. I actually had a baby while she was having her cancer reoccurrence and I wouldn't talk about the baby Bec I felt like it would upset her since my life was good and hers was not. There is just so so many emotions involved in being there for someone with cancer. I really urge you toseek help. I wish I had.
  8. Yesterday
  9. I went at the beginning of June and was told “everything felt normal” and nothing is there to be concerned about. Some days when self checking I think “REALLY that is what you are worried about?!” And then the next I’m like “whoa that is cancer and he missed it and went to fast on the breast exam and I’m going to die!!!”. But im like this about the other boob, too. What’s this? What is THAT?! Oh that doesn’t feel normal! All day. Deep down (deep deep deep down) I feel that I am ok. And that I am just perpetuating my friends diagnosis onto myself. But then I think “maybe I have it so we can go through it together”. 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️
  10. So when I get like this and can't get it out if my mind, I go to the Dr. Have you been to your gyno and had her feel for you? That might be the only way you will get passed this.. if you have been and she says everything is good then therapy might be the only way passed it..
  11. This spot that I feel has not changed and to be honest, I feel the same thing on the other breast. It doesn't hurt. And some days I never feel it at all and can't find it. However, I am CONSUMED. I look at my daughter and think "Your mom has breast cancer and you might get it, too." WHAT. I finished my period day before yesterday but I am still having achy under arms and spots here and there that ache when I rub them. More so in the side that is concerning me (of course) and I don't know how much is real and how much is me hyping things up.
  12. zmichelle557

    Breast Cancer- seeking reassurance and self checking

    This was me last year except my doctor found a lump in each breast. Luckily it wasn't anything. I had to have a mammogram to be sure but they saw nothing at all. It's just my breast tissue. I read so much on BC and I even asked questions on the BC forums. I self checked every chance I had seeing if it changed or if it was still there. Well 1 year later both are still there and I have learned how important it is to self check once a month. The week after your period is when you should check. I had a 3d mammogram and learned that my breast are entirely fatty, which explains why I never could produce enough milk for my babes. However most women at our age have dense breast tissue and the mammogram wouldn't put your mind at ease. Interestingly enough my mom got a mammo with me and they found a lump, did ultrasound and she has to watch it and report any changes. I cried myself to sleep every night thinking the worst. Reading all these stories of women who are like your friend. It's so heart breaking and it just puts into perspective how fragile our lives are. You want to be a good friend and be there for her but you have to remember it's her story and her struggle. Not yours. You are fine and will be fine physically. Just try to remember that when helping her because this is going to be one of your biggest challenges with HA you will probably have. I will pray for your friend and hope she can go into remission for years to come. I will pray for you to have peace and guidance through this.
  13. Thank you, Holls. This really meant a lot to me. I need to start back with therapy. It really helps so much. Things are the same with me, I guess. Good days and not so good days. All I do is worry. I just can't move on from it. I self check like a maniac and one minute I feel silly for thinking the way that I do and the next I am planning my funeral. I don't know how to move past this.
  14. Edithedward66

    Resurfacing of tennis court

    I'm doing my graduation in health sciences in Ontario. I'm interested in tennis since my childhood. I'm an active participant in tennis. Nowadays our tennis court is filled with algae and it is affecting the traction of the players’ shoes to the tennis surface, potentially causing serious injury from unexpected slipping. This was a serious issue and we couldn't perform well due to this. Also, I noticed some colour fading on the court's surface. It is due to the sun exposure and too much use without resurfacing. We are planning to do the resurfacing soon. I happen to read a magazine which was about the different tennis court types. And I felt it is interesting and informative. I would like to get more ideas on this resurfacing. Share your view. Thank you.
  15. NervUs

    Please help me- I need clarity

    Slight update- I am beginning to feel myself relax a bit about this, but then it feels wrong. I mean, I did sanitize to the best of my ability two years ago...it's okay to move on, right? My brain wants to act as if we never sanitized, or we did but failed 100%. I see that it is my brain's way of keeping this alive, and it feels wrong to not listen, since it would be high stakes if anyone in the family came down with the disease. UGH.
  16. NervUs

    Please help me- I need clarity

    I know, Holls. It's like anything else I fear-- rare and probably hard to get. I'm not sure many people even know about it, or if schools commonly encounter this. Raccoons are tidy poopers and don't let it fly anywhere. They go in one spot, and I know this was under my deck (since ripped out). That means the poop was just sitting there, for years without us knowing about it. I mean, it wasn't hideous amounts but a good pile. It's the old poop that's the problem. I don't even know how I found out about this one (probably rabies googling) but I did and then discovered a latrine. Most people won't eat poop, but I have just imagined every scenario- like if we get one little grain of dust in our mouth that happens to have roundworm, what will happen? I could trust that I cleaned well the first time, but it is so hard for me to do that. IN my mind, we just dumped raccoon roundworm egg poop directly on the lawn and driveway, and the fact that you can't confirm or deny anything (it is all microscopic) is kind of too much for me, lol! I am really wishing those raccoons hadn't picked our deck. It was a perfect spot, though, I will give them that!
  17. Kindra

    Constant need for excitement?

    I have to agree with Holls, I am no stranger to anxiety and I definitely do not love excitement or surprises! Routine and knowing what to expect are an anxiety persons best friend. I am in no way, shape or form a dr but your partner almost sounds like they have a manic disorder. Has he seen a therapist? Who diagnosed the anxiety? I went back through some of your older posts and a lot of them are based on your partners manic behaviours and mood swings from high to low. It honestly sounds more like bipolar mixed with anxiety to me. Is this a subject that he would be open to discussing with you or a health professional? Anxiety is hard for us to handle. I can only imagine what it’s like to deal with from the outside looking in! Hang in there, wether he realizes it or not, he is SO lucky to have you!
  18. Holls

    Please help me- I need clarity

    I remember you talking about this in another post and it makes me think about parks that kids play at and racoons live. My house is right across from the elementary school which also has a semi wooded park as the schools playground. The racoons surely poop in the play area and around the trail/track. Wouldn't the school take precautions if this was a widespread issue? I had never heard of it until your post and had to Google it.
  19. Vandelsrock21

    Acid Reflux Threaddd

    We might be twins. Ha ha. I have been heart burn since i was a kid. Never thought much of it. Well last year i got a sensation something was stuck in throat or lump feeling. Went to the ent said i was fine then i was had a upper endoscopy all clear with boipsys. They said no evidence of reflex but keep taking antacids. So i was thinking well i most have throat cancer then but either way the tests would show it. So here i am a year later same feeling. But i do know i get reflux because today i have been burping alot and getting food and acid back with it. I think the worst too. Like oh this can't be just gerd. I most have cancer. Even swallowing seems hard sometimes. Idk.
  20. NervUs

    Please help me- I need clarity

    Thanks Penny....this one really is not masking something else. It's about the roundworm. The trigger was just doing the last thing to clean up. The eggs live forever practically, through freezing and high heat, so even when the poop biodegrades, the eggs are waiting in the soil. So, they don't really just go away. Well, they do run off and wash off but at a glacial pace. And that is my quandary- the fact that they are indestructible (short of boiling temps or fire) means my mind can run with contamination scenarios. And, I will literally die if one of my children or one of their friends gets it. People have gotten it from not washing their hands before eating, and I can see certain somebodys in my house doing that easily. I just wish those damned raccoons had made their toilet somewhere else, or that the deck had held up better, or something!! BUt, I can't change it, have to live with the risk, I guess.
  21. Holls

    Have to have a colonoscopy

    My sister In law has IBS and she gets colonoscopies a lot. I really don't think the test is Bec they think something is wrong. I know how you feel about having to have a test.. I get like that too and once the test is over I'm always so glad I just did it because I know that if I choose not to do it, the anxiety what ifs completely take over then I have to wait to reschedule. ( Can you tell I've done that a time or two lol) you will be relieved when you do the test and your bowel movements won't make you worry anymore. Hugs your test is going to be clear.
  22. zmichelle557

    Have to have a colonoscopy

    Thanks for your response. You helped me through my ALS fear a year ago!! Anyway it's my PCP, I will meet the GI day of. But he looked at me and said I'm sorry I have to refer you for a colonoscopy. He's like I know how you feel about this but a change in habit needs to be evaluated. He said hopefully this will give us answers for your IBS you've had all these years. The man is very fatherly towards me and knows I freakout about any testing that needs to be done but damnit I did not want to hear I needed a test. I know flat, wide stools are common with IBS and I'm crossing my fingers this is all it is. But dang HA isn't helping.
  23. I suffer from hormonal headaches and let me tell you it doesn't matter what time I cycle I can have one. Haha I also have pcos. I don't ovulate like a normal person. Mines a week after I have a period, should be 2. I also have horribly heavy periods. Typically they last 7 days but have been known to last 2 weeks. I don't have my period every 28 day it's more like every 30 to 45 days. Which makes my bleeding worse due to not having a normal period. Also, I had a headache every day for 3 months straight. I was convinced it was a tumor. It was nothing. Hormones adjusting after having a baby is more than likely what it was. (About a month after she was born they just wouldn't go away) I started BC after I was told MRI was clear and it helped. I only used it 2 weeks and it got my hormones in check. However headache is a common side effect of BC. (Side note I pushed for the MRI doctor didn't think it was necassary)
  24. Holls

    Have to have a colonoscopy

    I never have consistent bowels.. same with color.. it's all over the place. I have flat ones as well. I've learned to only look once a week. I worked with two women who had colon cancer and they both had black stools and one had black stools and black blood clots. They are both fine and that was 5 years ago. You have to remember when we go to specialist like GI Drs that's the test they run.. it doesn't mean something is wrong.
  25. PennyPanic

    Please help me- I need clarity

    I can only speak for me but I think that sometimes I have ha and ocd episodes when I’m actually worried about something else entirely. You mentioned money in your last post. That may be leading to this reaction. Anyhow here’s my take on the raccoon poop specifically. It’s been 2 years...2 whole years since you found it and got rid of it. Since then it has rained. The sun has been out. Maybe it’s snowed where you live. There have been windy days, etc. beyond your measures of sanitizing the area, time and weather have surely obliterated anything that ***could*** have remained. Listen, I get it. I have the same tendencies. But I have to think logically that after 2 years poop would have biodegraded if it had even managed to survive your sanitation procedures. Hang in there and keep us posted.
  26. NervUs

    Please help me- I need clarity

    You are right that I am not past it. I expect it will be part of me for the rest of my life, although I do think having young children is a precipitating event for me. My daughter has a friend who comes over a lot and she has a baby sister, constantly putting things in her mouth and my heart drops. I will think about therapy. My major hangup, really, is money. We are out.
  27. bin_tenn

    Lyme Diease worries

    You're fine, and you'll be fine. Seriously doubt you have it, but if you were to contract it, it wouldn't be the end of the world. Not at all!
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