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  • Gilly

    So, here we are. And a big thank you!!

    By Gilly

    January 2012. The past year has been eventful to say the least. Met some amazing people, had some bad times, some great times, some frustrating times but lots of laughs too. And now I find myself in charge of a site. Just how did that happen? lol It's never been my intention. I love to help people, in helping people, I help myself. I've said in the past, if it came down to it, I would be willing to do something. I guess I didn't really think it would happen, but here we are! It's a shame that things didn't work out at the last site. I always tried my best to help it work, doing this was an attempt to make it work. No matter what people thought, my intentions were for the good of us all. To make a site where everyone felt able to come, to get support, to not feel alone and to have a bit of a laugh when it was needed. I took it upon myself to try to push to make it better there, it didn't work, maybe I was wrong, maybe it was meant to happen like this, idk. But it happened, it got out of my control, and now here we are. One of the things that motivates me every day, and believe me I've been struggling with motivation a lot lately, is all the people I've met in the past year or so. How supporting each other has made such a huge difference. Looking after my paralyzed Mum is a daily struggle, I'm unhappy with that, I know I am. I don't want to have to do it, it's hard enough battling my anxieties but it is what it is. Having such amazing people to keep my spirits up, it keeps me plodding along. I want to thank you all, it means more than I can put into words. I will give this site my all, we're in this together. It's for us, and we deserve it. xxx
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  • MrsRoryFromRunrig

    Why Make A Blog?

    By MrsRoryFromRunrig

    Why should one make a blog? There are a number of reasons to why making a blog is great, the advantages are: 1 - Relieves Stress 2 - Can help others 3 - Preach what YOU care about 4 - You have control 5 - It can actually turn into a business (like Cake Wrecks). There are a couple of disadvantages though: 1- Research, can take up time and not always be correct, always double check. 2 - People may read what you see as light hearted chat as to be something mean and nasty. 3 - Trolls, yes they happen on blogs too. 4 - Websites go down 5 - Some blogging sites are difficult to use and puts people off. Here at AC however it's easy peasy, and within reason you can blog about what you like, but please, if you blogs are hate, racist or too explicit, they will be deleted and information will be passed onto Admin who will then decide which action to take with your account. Thanks for reading! Pamie
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    SHALEASE
    Latest Entry

    Being home everyday is something alot of women dream of. Most days are okay. Then there are those days I wish I could go out alone. People take things for granted, like going to the store. Or even taking their kids to the park. There are a few people that try to understand. Others tell me it's all in my head. Or say things like I should force myself to do it. All of them mean well I guess. Doesn't help. Just makes me feel worse. Sometimes I figure I should be used to living like this. But I can't and it's a hard pill to swallow. 

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    For the last three days I've felt three emotions. Sadness, anxiety and numbness. I don't know if numbness really counts as an emotion per say, but it's better than the knot in my stomach from pure fear or the feeling of energy-sucking emptiness that takes me over. It's almost comforting. Everything is just dulled.

    However, even though I don't feel it I know that I should be proud of some of the things I've done the last three days. Yesterday I spent most of the day out of bed. I worked on a puzzle a little bit and took a shower. I actually drove into town and applied for a job. I had an interview today. I spent most of today out of bed as well. I haven't hurt myself either but again that might just be the numbness. 

  1. I wrote off a group of friends from the previous state I lived in, about 13 years ago. They were mainly friends with me through my best friend, who I found out down the line was telling people before they even met me that I was "difficult to get along with". In the open she always commented, how I was a prude, or pasty white, or had no boobs, she'd laugh it off like it was some happy joke between us, but it wasn't funny for me- she was making light of things I could not or would not change. 

    I also tried out a couple of them to watch my two cats while I took off on vacation for 5 days, one person got a ticket while in my car and tried to deny it. The main couple thought each other was watching my cats, so neither came to tend to them. 

    So after spouse and I wrote them off, only telling them "we need to work on our selves, our lives, have a good life y'all, see ya"; we worked on our house and then sold it after a year. Moved across country. I thought I would get a job and make friends. Check, check, but then after 6 years, I quit said job and it ended up my co-workers did not wish to continue the friendship outside of work.

    I don't delve into drama, nor perpetuate, or judge people. I don't have kids, not single, cannot drink alcohol because my body won't metabolize it, and I am not pretty. I have some friends an hour away but lucky if we see them three or so times a year. I asked one of them privately what my quirks were when another of them brought up, in a group chat that they "like me with my quirks". The friend told me I could be "slightly sarcastic, which wasn't a bad thing, and that I tend to be self-effacing, also not a bad thing".

    I am clueless about either of these. I am only sarcastic with my husband because he knows when I am being funny. Self-effacing means something like "staying in the background, not wanting to be the center of attention". And this is supposedly what drives potential friends away?

    After all this time, I have not gotten used to not having friends, haven't had anyone other than husband to celebrate my birthday with in over 15 years. I never complain about it until now because I know that would turn people off. 

    My head hurts, my heart hurts, it feels like no one cares, and it stresses me out immensely to not know how to fix it. My whole body is just so tense.

    I've tried volunteering, several times at different places- animal shelters, archaeology digs, art centers, etc- to meet people and learn about the areas I live in. I am currently part of a huge volunteer-run organization, which is how I met the current friends- but again, lucky if we get together with these people three times a year because of being frugal with gas an cash since I am prematurely retired, being a stay-at-home wife, and husband is probably looking at earl retirement because he is so burnt out.

    It just feels so hopeless. The friend site, again, only has people who are looking for friends an hour away from me. 

    So BIG hugs to anyone who feels they are alone. You are not, I am here for you, and appreciate you for who are. I have enough love and hugs for anyone who needs it.

  2. Ihadcancer
    Latest Entry

    HI Everyone,  I haven't been around because I've been doing so very well.  Working in my  yard and being creative. Back at the gym, etc. 

    Image may contain: plant, flower, tree, outdoor and nature

    Image may contain: outdoor

    I'm on Facebook under Diane Weldy Tavegia and anyone can read my blog.  

    Absolutely doing GREAT!

    Diane

     

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    Hi :)

    I just signed up for AC after a few months struggling with what I have been told is a 'panic disorder'. (i'm still not convinced i'm not dying, which definitely doesn't help the anxiety.)

    Recently i've been struggling with this strange discomfort/pain in the left side of my chest and left arm pit. It comes and goes, but is almost present. I can feel this weird pressure/tension in the top of my left breast, the left side of my chest, my arm pit, and sometimes it radiates somewhat down the inside of my left arm or down the left side of my ribcage. Originally, I believed it was related to my heart, but after multiple EKG's, tons of blood tests, an echo, and a chest xray all came back normal, my doctor is convinced that it is related to my anxiety. It feels like a muscle or nerve thing, but my doctor doesn't see the need for those tests. There's no swelling in my chest and I can't pinpoint where the discomfort is coming from, it truly makes me feel like I am losing my mind.

    This new anxiety started at the beginning of January, after returning from visiting my parents abroad. About 4 hours after landing I felt this hard thud in my chest, I got super dizzy almost collapsed when I stood up, my heart was racing and my legs were shaking uncontrollably. I went to the ER thinking I was having some sort of heart episode, but they did a bunch of blood tests, an ekg, and a chest X-ray which all came back normal. They hooked me up to 2 IV's which brought my heart rate down, they attributed everything to dehydration and sent me home.

    A few days later I was watching TV when all of a sudden my legs started to shake uncontrollably again, my heart started to race, my chest was incredibly tight, and I honestly thought that I was going to die. I went back to the ER in the morning and they did more tests but couldn't find anything. They told me I most likely experienced a panic attack and to talk to a therapist 

    It's now almost the end of February, and i've experienced around 5 of these panic attacks. It starts with the shaking/seizing of my legs, the pain in my chest is multiplied by 100, my heart races, I can feel extremely hot or freezing cold at the same time, it feels like theres fire in my veins spreading from my neck down my chest and back, and when it happens theres nothing I can do but sit there feeling like i'm dying. It's terrifying. I absolutely hate living this way. I keep hoping its muscular or a nerve, at least those are treatable with medicine and go away. 

    Now, when I start to feel the pain in my chest it automatically sets off my anxiety because i'm thinking about it. Sometimes my neck feels really weird and tight, it feels somewhat spastic. The neck stiffness/spasms and leg seizures made me think it was neurologic. I get nervous that one of these attacks will happen while i'm in class, luckily so far I that hasn't happened.

    I've been in Zoloft for almost a month and haven't seen much improvement. My doctor dismisses this pain and basically just sends me home to deal with it on my own but it's difficult when you don't know what you're dealing with. I was on klonopin for a month, 1.0-1.5 mg could usually bring me out of that panic state.

    I haven't spoken to anyone this in depth about how it makes me feel. I'm sharing my story to see if anyone experiences similar symptoms, and with the hope that someone struggling with similar issues takes comfort that they're not alone

     

    :)

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    TwitchyCanuck
    Latest Entry

    When fighting a battle, there is always strength in numbers. But, having someone by your side sometimes comes with a cost. Superiority in numbers is something very different from strength in numbers, and, with anxiety, this can be a crucial difference.

    Late at night, when my anxiety found me alone in the dark and slowly pushed me over the edge into a panic attack, I used to think that everything would just be better if there was someone there with me. I think the isolation that the dark and quiet of night time is what made this the worst time for my anxiety. It was harder to distract myself when I was alone, and I didn't have the helpful distraction of trying to keep a strong mask in places for everyone around me so they would think I was fine. At night, there was nobody there to see me struggle, nobody I had to put energy into making believe I was fine. And, nobody to support me when I finally tipped into panic.

    I've been with my wife for five years now, and what I have come to discover is that no longer being alone may have helped me in some ways, but it has also presented challenges that I didn't expect. I don't get the night time panic that I used to get, and in some ways have better control over my anxiety than I ever have. But, I've also adopted my wife's struggle with anxiety, panic and depression. In some ways, that's been a tougher battle than the one I faced alone.

    I suppose I thought that addition would lead to subtraction; I thought that by adding a partner, I would be subtracting anxiety. In fact, adding a partner added their struggles and difficulties to my own. There's nothing simple about the arithmetic. Whenever you add, you add complexity.

    This is not to say that I have regrets. I guess this initial post is really just a recognition of the fact that a lot of us face what we feel is a solitary struggle, and sometimes we think the solution is out there for someone to simply gift us with it. We want the solutions to be simple. We want someone to take the problem away. But, the world is more complex than that, and the solutions are never simple. The strength we gain in numbers comes with the commitment we have to make to give back to that network of people to help them with their own troubles. My wife has helped me face a lot of my own problems with anxiety, but the struggle is still there and has taken on a new dimension because I, in turn, have to help her deal with her own. And, that's difficult. Just as it's difficult for us, as a community of similarly afflicted individuals separated by screens and distance, to share of ourselves while needing the sharing of others to keep moving forward. 

    I'm here and willing to be your +1, of the occasion. But, can you be mine?

  3. 2017

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    hawaiiborn
    Latest Entry

    This is the time we all start to look at what we did last year and how we can change for the coming year. What is the one thing you want to do to make this year different from last year?

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    mswcmw
    Latest Entry

    Hello, recently moved to Buffalo, finding a new job, doesn't start until the 28th, so bored nothing to do and the anxiety has been hitting me pretty hard usually starts when I wake up which is very difficult, Started reading a Conversation with God but it seems to have made my anxiety much worse, feel like I've wasted my life, have hypothyroidism, and been fighting depression all my life. Afraid to succeed, have appointment for the doctor on tue and a therapist wed, how am I going to make it? Living with my daughter and had a good chat with her and felt better that night but woke up, and it started all over. I try and stay busy and hike or skate but it's insidious and hits when I least expect it. Tried alot of different things for depression

    Thanks for reading my pissing and morning 

  4. I had a pretty decent day today. I still had a little bit of an attack but nothing like I normally do. I really think I am on to something by not sitting in front of the computer all day. I actually went out to the store today. I didn't go in but I did drive all the way there and I was pretty close to fine while my wife went in and grabbed some stuff. I played baseball out in the yard with her and my kids today. That is something I wouldn't have even considered doing a week ago. I am moving forward. I ate a good dinner, drank a good amount of liquids and haven't really spent too much time thinking bad thoughts. I had about an hour relapse when it started to get dark and I got a little depressed but I fought through it. I didn't freak out, I stayed decently calm and rode out the attack. I feel okay. Not great, but okay. I can live with okay. My entire house seems a little happier. I'm pretty excited that I can pull it towards the right direction. 

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    This week has been hard for me. I have been seeing my current BF for 6 months now. He knows about my anxiety, but I don't like to show it to him all the time. I love being able to talk to him about it because he makes me feel safe, but I also do not want to scare him off with it. He loves me unconditionally, but I also have an understanding that explaining anxiety to a person that does not have it over and over again can get pretty frustrating to the other person. i am trying to find the fine line between feeling supported and being over the top. I have not been over the top, but the past two weeks my health anxiety has peeked and I am constantly thinking about it. I want to talk to him about it, but I know he is running out of things to say because he doesn't understand. I am hoping that writing my thoughts down and possibly hearing from others could help curb my need to talk to others in my life that may not understand. 

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    Christel123
    Latest Entry

    Hi everybody ! I did a blog wich talk about getting the control of anxiety. It is in french but you can use google translation. I will be thankfull to you to visit my blog and also give ideas if you want.

    http://anxiete.eklablog.com/

    Thank you !

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    Well... It's been a few months since I started dating him and some say we moved too fast but we are engaged and trying to enjoy all that it brings. It's hard though when I spend so much time feeling out of control. Then I start to hate myself for bothering him when he fights his own anxiety and depression. I just want to know what it's like to not feel guilty about being happy or standing up for myself for something I truly want. Most of all I need to learn to not feel like I'm bothering him since my whole life he has helped me fight this war.

  5. Hello!

         I wanted to share something going on with me that is separate from my anxiety/panic/depression. (The story of why I have anxiety/panic/depression does not seem like an important detail to tell. I only want to share the journey of recovery.) For a few years now I've had trouble with my lower back. Nothing too serious (so I thought). If I began to feel pain I would just take it easy for a few days and treat it with rest, ice, and Aleve. BUT about a month or so ago, right after my anxiety/panic returned, I woke up with excruciating pain down my whole left leg. I couldn't feel my toes or outside of my left foot. I could barely walk. I started taking heavy doses of Motrin and using ice, but it was no use. I figured the pain would eventually subside but it wouldn't let up. Finally I went to my doc and they kind of down played it, thinking I was just being sensitive. They sent me for Xrays and put me on a prescription strength Aleve (naproxen). They also put in a request for an MRI. Long story short they rejected my MRI 3 times. I went back my Doc for a different problem and I told him the problem was persisting. I received a referral to the spine specialist. Finally the specialist got me and MRI and I began physical therapy. Well, yesterday I saw the specialist to go over the results...it's not good. I have two herniated discs. One of which is so degenerated that there is practically no disc between the vertebrae. The disc is laying onto of the sciatic nerve completely covering it. If that isn't repaired, I could have permanent damage of the nerve forever. Which means numb foot for the rest of my life. (Oh, did I mention I am a dance teacher for a living so MOVING is my livelihood?) He said he may have to do surgery! I DO NOT WANT SURGERY! I don't want to take any narcotics because it messes with my anxiety. So for now, I will continue PT and they're going to give me cortisol shots! Yuck. And if that doesn't work I will get "minimally invasive" surgery to shave down the disc off the nerve. I'm in a lot of pain and I'm very upset because this is a lifelong problem and I am only 24. I'm scared it will ruin my career. I can't run, lunge, or squat. So my gym activity is very very limited. This is exacerbating my anxiety/panic because it is an additional stressor that affects my overall attitude plus increases my levels of tension in the body. Now I am seeing two types of therapists...a cognitive behavioral therapists and a physical therapist. I am not a healthy girl right now and I am frustrated and scared. I'm putting so much effort into getting better it exhausts me. My social life has suffered a lot but I everyone is telling me that I HAVE to take care of myself right now and put ME first. I have difficulty with that. If anyone is reading this, did you ever experience a significant injury like mine? How did you overcome it? Did it make your anxiety worse? How did you cope?

    Thanks for the read. Sorry to ramble. :D

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    The relationship between God and anxiety is actually very complex. Some people see turning to God as a way to gaining strength against anxiety disorders, and use their religion as their primary source of coping.

    My husband has been suffering from anxiety for three years now and because of this he was not able to work for one year. I know that there are people out there who have suffered for much longer. But, no matter how long one has suffered, you know the toll it takes on your life and the lives of the people who love you!

    Every time my husband had an attack, we would have to make a trip to the emergency room. These visits took place at least once a week sometimes, two or three times a week! After about three months of this, I would try to convince him that he was not dying and he needed to calm down. But, there was no convincing him of that! His chest would hurt, he couldn’t breathe, and he was convinced that he was having a heart attack. It got to the point where I was growing more and more tired of the ER and the ER was tired of seeing my husband for the same thing time and time again. I got so bad, that after a while, it seems that they were going through the motions when treating him because they just could not convince him that he had yet ANOTHER ANXIETY ATTACK!! Now, this was not helping him and I was not helping him either by getting frustrated and angry because here we go on ANOTHER TRIP TO THE ER!! Our relationship was suffering because of this. Something different had to been done!

    Yes, he did eventually come to terms with the ideas that he does have anxiety and eventually went to see a physiatrist. The physiatrist put him on medication and I can say that it did help. But, there was still something missing in his recovery. This is what prompt us look to God…

    Christianity teaches that belief and strength are a great way to support your own mental health, and that it's your duty to take care of your emotions

    God helps people who believe to overcome anxiety because the core of anxiety is fear. People with anxiety fear the unknown and the belief that the unknown cannot be controlled. Beliefs in God and what he teaches will help promote less anxiety, because what he teaches runs directly with the issues that cause anxiety.

    In the bible, it says fear of the unknown shows a lack of faith in God. If you're allowing yourself to be overcome by anxiety and fear, then you are showing lack of faith and trust in God. If you trust in God, the future is nothing to fear. God also teaches that death is nothing to fear. In fact, life lived in God’s plan is a promise to eternal life. Believing in God is about having faith in him and his plans for you. Having complete trust helps in managing anxiety.

     

  6. hawaiiborn
    Latest Entry

    3 days until Saturday and all the craziness takes place, family is coming into town and I am starting to feel surrounded. Everyday I wake up feeling like I have a 10 pound weight on my chest and I can't get rid of it. On top of all of this I am suffering for major migraines that makes it hard to do anything when its hard to see or even function. Even after all of this is over I just move on to trying to figure out what is causing my headaches and hoping it is an easy fix... 

  7. Megan1
    Latest Entry

    So my therapist recommended I see an additional doctor to talk about medication. It's frustrating. I logically know drugs can help. I'm just scared and it's most likely irrational, which just makes me angry.

    I guess what it comes down to is I don't want to keep feeling stressed; i want to stop hiding in the bathroom, to stop procrastinating, being so absent-minded, to stop getting lost for hours in list making and organizing. At the same time, I don't want to lose me in the process. The other thought is what if it does change how my head works, but doesn't help me improve my life, like a lot of half-finished projects of mine.

    Also, it feels like I should be able to handle things without, but I obviously have not done a very good job of it. I look back on life and have mostly regrets, so I'm jumping in the deep end. 

  8. SlowAndSteady
    Latest Entry

    I'm so used to worrying about silly things and having panic attacks about things that may never even happen that sometimes I'm almost surprised when I have something legitimate to worry about. It's a different kind of fear when you know this is something that will have an impact on you or others, whether it be emotionally or financially. A actual problem that needs a solution, something you need to figure out, a constant nagging in your mind that won't go away until you resolve the issue. I can't say that either one is worse to me, just two sides of the same hated coin. One of the funnier things is when it is a real problem all the people who normally dismiss your fears are so understanding, they agree this is bad, you are vindicated. Something that you might appreciate any other time, but at that moment is a very cold comfort.   

     

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    Magy
    Latest Entry

    Feeling better than yesterday. Not much motivation has come back but I need to give it time.I have added a profile picture in an attempt to be a more open person, it's making me nervous, but I feel like I need too

    .

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    It's funny it took me forever to post anything, but as soon as I started, I really unloaded. I never used to really talk about this. 

    Now that I am, I just feel the need to talk about everything. Sorry if it's excessive. 

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    Cmay520
    Latest Entry

    Feeling alone today. I'm thinking about disconnecting myself from social media because of the impact it has on me. I see all these pictures/posts of people being "normal" and I can't help but wish it was that easy for me to connect with others. I keep thinking there's something wrong with me. I worry that I'll always be alone. I worry that I won't find my place in this world. I hate that I am my own worst enemy. 

  9. georgiamadelene
    Latest Entry

    I'm struggling.

    I will be completely honest with myself and you lovely people out there. Today has been really, really hard. I don't quite know why or what has caused this but I just know I feel....broken.

    Some days I feel like nothing is going right and nothing is okay and today is one of those days.

    I have a couple of friends who have stopped talking to me and I am always the one trying to organise to meet up with them but they never answer me.

    My mum is overseas and I miss her.

    I feel scared and lost. I haven't felt so bad in a long time. I've had my moments but for the most part, I have been okay.

    But today I am not okay.

    x

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    Yesterday was Family Dinner Sunday. After we buried Mum FDS has been switched abt but now it's back on the right 2 Sundays as it was while she was making her awesome dinners. Now it's just my Dad, my Baby Brother (21) and myself. So we hit Burger King, KFC and last night a carvery now. (Forgot to pick up a spade and my drill, grrr) when my brother dro e me home we ended up spending abt 15 mins talking about the latest season of DareDevil and House of Cards. Think the three of us spent half the evening yapping away abt telly and gaming. The dinner was pretty good too but I shoulda gone with the Burger. Put on Tomb Raider (the one on the island with a Sun Queen cult) got to this parachute stage and died every 20 seconds for half an hour. It was infuriating but no controllers were harmed 😆. So I put on the first couple of episodes of Band of Brothers. Seen bits of it before but never knew how good it was. Meds kicked in and I was snoozing by 12. 

    Wayhey wide awake this morning. Decided to leave one curtain half open to see if waking up to a light morning would help with the phantom hangovers/lethargy. I think it did. Woke up bright and breezy, gave muttley a good morning pet then off to coffee town. It was a lovely morning with a blue/pink sky. Get to Barshaw, Coffee in one hand, cig in the other and Zoom being her usual fussy self abt where she's going to plant her butt sausages. Theres nothing more infuriating than standing in another dogs mess when you are picking up your own dogs mess. (That people is irony not what Alanis Morrisette thinks it is. Rain on your wedding day is annoying not ironic). 

    Time to escape back into Xbox because LEGO games cheer me up no end. Take care peeps

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    Roller coaster of moods,  I just couldn't help but look at old photos of my kids and I started crying out of nowhere because it was before my son was diagnosed with this and before he had his other surgeries.  I just want healthy kids.  They are beautiful and handsome kids.  I love them with all my heart and more.  Why can't i keep them safe and healthy.  I would give up both of my eyes just to make sure Jasper doesn't lose his one.

    I'm sorry it was so short.  I just cant..... Crying far too much to continue..... I want to self harm on top of it, great.  FML

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    I've had panic attacks in the middle of the night before. They sucked, but were manageable, for the most part. Tonight, for this first time, I had a full fledged panic attack. My heart was pounding and felt like it was going incredibly fast. I was shaking really terribly. I had to wake up my husband and I wanted him to call an ambulance but he said I was okay, that it was a panic attack (he ended up being right I guess...) my arms were cold my legs were numb feeling... This was by far the worst attack I have had. I don't want to say "had, yet." Because I'm really praying that never happens again. I was so scared. Now he and my daughter are already back to sleep and I'm laying here waiting for my Xanax to kick in so that I can join them. Meanwhile, my gut is supremely displeased that we had the shakes so bad so my tummy is upset too.... Oh Lord, when will this end? How do I overcome this? Other people have, so I know I can, but when? And must it be so scary in the meantime? Here's to hoping that I can sleep soon...

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    ursela196
    Latest Entry

    Living this life and trying to survive is ridiculously difficult. Whatg am I suppose to do? I don't even get enough assistance to make rent let aloe everything else. At the moment my father is helping me make ends meet and credit cards but this cant go on forever. I need a job from home so bad it  hurts. I would excel at that job, I'd be a workaholic I'd be great...But how do I land that job? I've been searching forever and nothing. I try to work outside but I can't hold a job longer than a minute before II freak out shut down and become a recluse again. Then I cycle with the whole depression anxiety thing until I gain enough strength to do the whole thing over again. I need money. I also need this anxiety to stop and constant fear in my heart and stomach. Going out starts the sleepless night before filled with anxiety and restlessness and sometime tears. Then exhausted I go to my doctor appointment or interview or visit to my folks. Work? HA! what a joke. Man if I had a job at home I'd could put those sleepless nights to work and actually be productive rather than sad pathetic and depressed. How do I get the job though?

    This just in... another bill from another credit card I just maxed out. wtf. I'm digging an impossible hole and there is no way I can get out. There is so much more going on  too that I will share later, but thought I'd start with a vent...sorry bout that, but no one around here has clue  of what this disease is about and well I just found this site. anyway. If you got any ideas or advise that would be greatly appreciated