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Guilt

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I’llbefineintheend

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I feel guilt. I feel responsibility. 

Christmas Day 2014 my nephew was very unwell. He would not eat, he had restless sleeps, his temperature was high and when I held him, trying to comfort him, I could feel his heart pounding like a drum. I knew that was not right. But he had a throat infection and bad cold, Like he did the year before, surely it would be fine. 

Boxing Day 2014 approximately 9pm he passed away. 

I knew that he was not alright. 

In my gut I felt something was wrong. 

I did nothing but hold him and sing him songs. 

And then he died. 

The guilt I feel is swelling in my throat as I type as I have never actually told anybody before that I feel guilty and that I feel responsible. 

I could make excuses. I was 19. I’m no doctor. How was I supposed to know it worse then that. It was Christmas Day, what could you do. I KNEW HE DID NOT FEEL RIGHT AND I DID NOTHING. 

I don’t know if we took him to the hospital if he would have survived. The sepsis was already happening, I don’t know what they could have done for him.

They might not have been able to save him but they might have been able to make him comfortable.

He spent his last hours in a car seat and his last breaths in the hands of people he didn’t know.

i feel responsible for that.

I understand in situations as these everyone says that you cannot blame yourself because you didn’t know what was going to happen. 

Yes, I did not know what was going to happen. But I knew something was not right and I did nothing. And that is worse. 

My brother has lost his son. And this Christmas, on the fourth anniversary of his death, I can see the cracks in our family clearer then ever. My brother forcing himself to smile. And I could not stop looking at him. 

Now I cannot sleep as I play the horrific night from years ago in my head over and over. And part of me feels like I deserve the pain and the rest is in utter despair. 

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