Tonight I am lying awake. I have been trying to get to sleep for four hours. I’m home from uni for Easter and Home is the complete opposite of my uni home. My uni house is quiet, very little noise, no loud bangs, shouting or anything disturbing. But Home, there is always noise, the washer, the dryer, my mum pottering, my brother screeching, the tv on too loud and do NOT get me wrong. I love my family, I love Home. But going from one extreme to another does something to a girl.
Too much noise triggers my anxiety, crowded places, bars, cinemas, traffic, the tumble dryer. My ears are sensitive for some reason and all this can really disorientate me, it can give me headaches, makes me snappy with the people I love and then of course makes me hate myself.
So in short, I’ve been surrounded by a lot of noise the last few days and my anxiety is building, I can feel it.
Tuesday I go to Rome. On a plane. And I have a deathly fear of planes, every time I’ve been on one I have a panic attack, no matter how hard I try to stay calm.
I also have my dissertation due in two weeks and I need to be researching and preparing for two shows that I start rehearsing for in three weeks.
It’s fair to say I think that my brain has a lot of fuel for the anxiety fire.
But what I’ve been thinking about for the last hour is how limited I feel by my anxiety. I feel very limited.
I feel terror at the thought of causing a scene on the plane. Which makes me not want to get on the plane and see the world. Thus limited to England.
I feel terror at the thought of not succeeding to the level I’m aiming for at uni, failing and embarrassing myself in front my peers. Thus limited to not achieveing my degree.
I feel terror at the thought of auditioning and being in a movie or on stage and failing. Thus limited to mundane jobs and failing my dream.
I feel terror at not living my life but not knowing how too and being scared to live it in case I get it wrong. Thus, limited to staying safe inside a house, safely existing but hardly living.
And you guessed it, I’m scared of that too.
Deep down I know you should always keep trying to matter what and failing doesn’t mean your the failure and there’s no wrong way to live your life but then there’s the conflict.
Theres the reason I toss and turn and fight with myself for hours. Negative and Positive attitudes raging war within me.
I miss my boyfriend, I feel inspired by him, he has a new job at an incredible place and he’s learning so much and working so hard and he’s tired a lot. And I want to be comforted by him so much but I don’t want to ask for it because he has enough to deal with. I need to support him too.
I didn’t know what to do with my twilight thoughts and then I remembered I had this place and if I’m honest I wasn’t sure anyone was reading my blogs until I got my first ever comment from Jonathon on my last post and it filled me with lightness. Someone is reading this and understanding and I just can’t quite comprehend that. Because I don’t talk to anyone about any of this, not this honestly at least. So thank you. Thank you so much for reading.