January 2012. The past year has been eventful to say the least. Met some amazing people, had some bad times, some great times, some frustrating times but lots of laughs too. And now I find myself in charge of a site. Just how did that happen? lol It's never been my intention. I love to help people, in helping people, I help myself. I've said in the past, if it came down to it, I would be willing to do something. I guess I didn't really think it would happen, but here we are!
It's a shame that things didn't work out at the last site. I always tried my best to help it work, doing this was an attempt to make it work. No matter what people thought, my intentions were for the good of us all. To make a site where everyone felt able to come, to get support, to not feel alone and to have a bit of a laugh when it was needed. I took it upon myself to try to push to make it better there, it didn't work, maybe I was wrong, maybe it was meant to happen like this, idk. But it happened, it got out of my control, and now here we are.
One of the things that motivates me every day, and believe me I've been struggling with motivation a lot lately, is all the people I've met in the past year or so. How supporting each other has made such a huge difference. Looking after my paralyzed Mum is a daily struggle, I'm unhappy with that, I know I am. I don't want to have to do it, it's hard enough battling my anxieties but it is what it is. Having such amazing people to keep my spirits up, it keeps me plodding along. I want to thank you all, it means more than I can put into words.
I will give this site my all, we're in this together. It's for us, and we deserve it. xxx
Why should one make a blog?
There are a number of reasons to why making a blog is great, the advantages are:
1 - Relieves Stress
2 - Can help others
3 - Preach what YOU care about
4 - You have control
5 - It can actually turn into a business (like Cake Wrecks).
There are a couple of disadvantages though:
1- Research, can take up time and not always be correct, always double check.
2 - People may read what you see as light hearted chat as to be something mean and nasty.
3 - Trolls, yes they happen on blogs too.
4 - Websites go down
5 - Some blogging sites are difficult to use and puts people off.
Here at AC however it's easy peasy, and within reason you can blog about what you like, but please, if you blogs are hate, racist or too explicit, they will be deleted and information will be passed onto Admin who will then decide which action to take with your account.
Thanks for reading!
2016 april.. The moment when shes gone, only regrets that sticks in my head and i always imagine if my mom is still here. My days are rough, when i open my eyes what i feel is hard to breathe and strange dizziness at the back of my head near my neck. When i closed my eyes in the end of the day, i still feel that. This symptom started when my mother died.
I can't tell to anyone what i feel , when I'm angry i always stay silent, when I feel someone underestimated me I stay silent, because I don't like conflict ...This disease changed me and it affects people around me ... especially my wife, my family my father , his wife and my brothers and sister ... I have rarely come out to meet friends, lots of event like friends' marriages that I have not attended, agoraphobia has changed my life.
Not everyone can understand what I feel, do they really care? Well maybe yes or maybe notThey want me to carry out my current responsibilities as head of the family, yes I am now unemployed, do I want to become unemployed? No!. I feel that the various potentials that I have are starting to dim, applying for a job is very difficult, and this causes pessimism to begin to gnaw at you slowly and unconsciously. The colleague I had at my first job? They are not what i think they are because I felt they underestimated my abilities and illness. I'm sure they are aware of that, but in fact they might not. And that hurts me real bad.
I want to make my wife happy, but with my limitations at the moment I can't do it, I try but it's still not enough. Every day I still play game that she doesn't like, why? Am I trying to upset her? Nope ... but when i’m playing all the feelings of being depressed, dizzy and others are gone which sometimes makes me easier to get some sleep without feeling dizzy and others. Sometimes i don’t know what to do ..... i wish my mom is still here, she always has the answer or just some words to calm me down. I don’t realize that until she's gone, I took it for granted and i still can't forgive myself about that. Its easier to forgive another people who treat you wrong or hurt you, but to forgive yourself it’s on another level.
I'm not the man i used to be, i feel so useless right now, to me and everyone, im angry, disappointed of myself because i know i can do more IF i have the opportunity to prove myself. But how? No one want to hire me, i don't want to work as “ petugas TU “ i know i can do more than that, but everyone seems see me like im a little person with disadvantage. Agoraphobia, this is not something you take lightly, eventho a lot of people think so. But its not, you dont know what i feel everyday, you dont know that i can shut my eyes and fall asleep as easy as you. I cant go out without drugs right now, even i cant stand the sensation in my body when im staying at home. Oohhh...its so stresfull, i have a responsibility,i know that, as a husband, as a father, and also as my father son. And i think right know its my tipping point. I dont have anything to offer, i cant defend my self when anyone demand something from me because sometimes i cant talk back or i dont have the answer.
I have a lot of dreams, everybody does, but it seems i dont know how to reach them. Patient? Oh i am a really patient person, i dont know that is positive or negative for me. i need help, i really need that.
My son, he is my angel. A lot of joy he has bring to me but also a lot of responsibility that i cant fulfill right now. So i think i have failed as a husband and father. Am i? Or my luck will change in the future? Luck...maybe its not about luck, but then what? I tried to get a job, and yet only few company that called me to interview and still no one wants to hire me. am i that bad? I dont have potential? am i dont have what it takes to work on some company? Or it just not my way? What then
I take a wrong major in university. At that time it feels right but along the way i feel it is so damn wrong. This is one of the wrong decision i have made. Because i dont know what im good at or interest me more at that time. Nobody guide me, and i was just a brat that dont think what i want to do for my future. If only i can turn back time, but i cant. So here i am, i have agoraphobia, wife, and son but i dont have a job to feed them and buy my medicine. Not so great but im trying to hang on.
This is my tipping point, i think so.. oh and i have a dog, corgi dog xabier, he is so cute but i cant take care of him too because i dont have a job..oh i only can complain right now,but when i think of it i never complain with what i have in highschool or early years in university. I earn more money back then than now. I coached baseball, i worked as dj manager, i worked as personal assistant at my senior store, i work in event organizer, and i also got a lot of money from gaming. But why it is so hard right now to get or earn money even when i have graduated from UNPAR. Is it because it took me 7 years to graduate? Or 2.81 GPA is that bad?
I hate me.. sometimes i feel if its better if im not here anymore, but s****de? I dont know how this even pop to my mind..its started when i have this agoraphobia, like life is just one big illusions. I still gratefull for what i have, because theres people that have much more going on in their life. But right now i just dont know what to do, i dont have a clue for tomorrow.
Does someone out there have same issues like me? or you have some suggestions?
I feel guilt. I feel responsibility.
Christmas Day 2014 my nephew was very unwell. He would not eat, he had restless sleeps, his temperature was high and when I held him, trying to comfort him, I could feel his heart pounding like a drum. I knew that was not right. But he had a throat infection and bad cold, Like he did the year before, surely it would be fine.
Boxing Day 2014 approximately 9pm he passed away.
I knew that he was not alright.
In my gut I felt something was wrong.
I did nothing but hold him and sing him songs.
And then he died.
The guilt I feel is swelling in my throat as I type as I have never actually told anybody before that I feel guilty and that I feel responsible.
I could make excuses. I was 19. I’m no doctor. How was I supposed to know it worse then that. It was Christmas Day, what could you do. I KNEW HE DID NOT FEEL RIGHT AND I DID NOTHING.
I don’t know if we took him to the hospital if he would have survived. The sepsis was already happening, I don’t know what they could have done for him.
They might not have been able to save him but they might have been able to make him comfortable.
He spent his last hours in a car seat and his last breaths in the hands of people he didn’t know.
i feel responsible for that.
I understand in situations as these everyone says that you cannot blame yourself because you didn’t know what was going to happen.
Yes, I did not know what was going to happen. But I knew something was not right and I did nothing. And that is worse.
My brother has lost his son. And this Christmas, on the fourth anniversary of his death, I can see the cracks in our family clearer then ever. My brother forcing himself to smile. And I could not stop looking at him.
Now I cannot sleep as I play the horrific night from years ago in my head over and over. And part of me feels like I deserve the pain and the rest is in utter despair.
It's five days before Christmas and that has always been my biggest trigger as far as holidays are concerned. I did not do particularly well at Thanksgiving this year and I am struggling through a bout of depression right now, so I'm not really at peak coping skills right now.
I think I need to re-read and take notes on some passages in the Panic Attacks Workbook.
I'm too tired of fighting the depression and anxiety this week to say anything else - just that it's there, I know it's a lie, and I'm having a hard time remembering that in the moment. I just want to go back to bed until the holidays are over, or shut everyone out of my life so that no one ever expects me to leave the house and I can just stay in my safe little bubble.
I'm frustrated with my husband again today - don't they say that it's the ones you're closest to that you're the hardest on?
He really doesn't ask a lot from me when it comes to leaving the house and doing things (his job is exhausting and his commute is long, which makes him more than happy to watch TV most nights and probably enables me to be a home-body, too). When he does ask me to do things with him, it's easier for me to say, "No, I don't feel like it," than it is to do that with other people because we're married and I know he's not going anywhere.
I was upset the other day when he was going to come to brunch and then said he wasn't, then changed his mind and said he was. Today I'm upset because we made plans to cut a Christmas tree on Thursday, then he changed his mind and said he needed to tackle the leaves that day, and now the weather forecast changed and he says we're back to Plan A, tree cutting day.
My first response was my typical anxiety response - "No, I can't do that."
I don't do well with a medium-level spontaneity. It's fine if we decide to do something in the spur of the moment (and I don't have time to panic), or it's fine if we decide to do something next week (and I have time to prepare for it mentally). But spontaneously changing plans with less than 24 hours of lead time? That's a guaranteed recipe for anxiety.
There's absolutely no reason why I could successfully cut a tree tomorrow because it was agreed upon it last week, but I should be incapable of cutting that same tree on the same day because it was only agreed upon 24 hours in advance. It's a totally irrational mentality and it depends largely on the equally irrational concern that I am a "spoonie" who needs to conserve her energy and her health. The fact that I'm working at Panera with my dad today has absolutely NO bearing on my health, energy levels or abilities tomorrow because I have anxiety, not an energy or health-limiting illness.
We are cutting a damn tree tomorrow and it's going to be fun.
I've been doing pretty well for my last couple of "adventures," didn't even need a blog entry about them. I finished the Panic Attacks Workbook and implemented an exposure therapy plan, although I have to admit that it's still pretty daunting and I keep thinking ahead - instead of, "I can handle a 5-minute car ride around the block," my mind is automatically jumping to, "A 30-minute car ride with no Dramamine would definitely cause me to vomit. I can't do that."
Earlier this week, I agreed to go to brunch about 30 minutes away (driving myself there) with my dad, aunt and cousin tomorrow - the fact that I agreed and didn't make up an excuse about why I can't go is a triumph in itself, but the closer the date comes, the more anxious I'm getting. That's pretty much par for the course.
The thing that's bothering me this time is that I've been having waves of nausea for the last couple of days. I can pretty much put it down to either too much screen time or PMS symptoms (I'm due for those soon and I always spend a day or two feeling nauseated each month, so it makes sense). I also know that when you get a stomach virus, it doesn't tease you for 3-4 days before it hits - you just get sick. But I keep having anxious thoughts - the most common in a situation like this is, "The symptoms start off mild and get worse, so the longer you're not full-blown sick makes it more and more likely that you'll become full-blown sick while driving or at the restaurant."
That's nonsensical "logic" and I know that, but I'm still sitting at about a 50% urge to cancel right now. Another stressing factor is the fact that my husband is off work tomorrow so he wants to come - I love my husband and I don't want him to feel like he's not welcome anywhere, but if I get sick in the middle of the meal and he's still eating, I'll feel trapped so anxiety tells me it's "better" to go alone.
I've got an appointment at the Apple Store this morning in about 2 hours to get my laptop repaired and I think it's time for another episode of Adventures in Leaving the House. These seem to be helping.
I've had panic attacks at the Apple Store before because of how crowded it is and how much waiting is involved, plus it's just far enough away from my house to be outside my comfort zone. The last two times I went (back in August), I stayed and successfully worked through my panic, so I'm sure today will be the same - plus, the Apple Store is in the mall and I never found a bag I liked for my Chromebook so I want to do some shopping while I'm there.
Last night, my anxiety level was pretty low and I was feeling good - I'm still riding high on my success at the ballet (a significantly bigger deal, in my mind, than the Apple Store) and wasn't expecting to have any problems. Then I woke up this morning and I'm feeling dizzy (I know full well this is an anxiety symptom) and I've got a headache (maybe a real headache, maybe a lack of caffeine, or maybe tension from anxiety - either way, it can't hurt me). So on top of the symptoms, I'm feeling frustrated with myself because of the irrational idea that I overcame my fear of the ballet, therefore I'm "cured" or somehow insulated from further panic for the time being.
I'd still say that my anxiety today is only about a 3 or 4, when in the recent past it's been more like a 7, but this will be an excellent opportunity to put what I've been learning into practice and work with my anxiety rather than trying to hide from it. I actually feel pretty good right now, which is a weird way to feel even as I am experiencing anxiety.
The game plan:
I already ate breakfast so I wouldn't feel sick from hunger.
I'm drinking a cup of coffee now to combat the headache.
I've been practicing breathing from my stomach to fix the dizziness and calm myself.
It helped the other day when I talked through my fear of going to Best Buy, so I'm going to try it again for today's outing.
A little background:
I have panic disorder and I regularly avoid situations in which I feel trapped. Any type of theater or audience situation - from a movie theater to a classroom to live theater - triggers that sensation for me, and I've been at varying degrees of anticipatory panic for about a week, ever since my mother-in-law bought me a ticket to see the ballet with her and my niece without asking me first.
I feel very petty, self-absorbed and ungrateful to be upset that she wanted to include me (especially after I found out the tickets are $40 each), but my brain keeps saying, "This is too big an event for the stage of recovery you're currently in. You are going to panic, this is going to be bad, and you are not going to get through this."
Every time I have that thought, a wave of panic washes over me and my bowels begin to cramp at the idea of being in that theater. I start to think of every little step that has to occur in order to get through the ballet and every point at which it would be easy to panic or be trapped, and it begins to feel insurmountable:
I have to drive there and I don't know what traffic will be like.
I'm not familiar with the parking situation or how easy it will be to get my car back on the road when I'm ready to leave.
I don't know where the restrooms are or how many stalls are available.
I don't know where our seats are, how close to the aisle and exits I'll be, or how hot the auditorium will be.
I don't know the exact run time of the play.
These things always begin a little late, so I'll have to wait in the lobby, and then again at my seat.
Intermission always takes too long and I'll have to wait again then, plus the bathroom lines will be long.
Everyone will leave at the same time, creating traffic jams.
Even thinking about all of those things right now is making me feel sick and I probably shouldn't have listed them all out like that, especially so close to the event (I need to leave the house in two hours).
So right now, I'm thinking, "This is enough time to bow out and excuse myself from the event. It's still rude to not show up and it's a waste of my mother-in-law's money since I haven't given her enough lead time to find someone to give my ticket to, but maybe she can take one of the younger nieces who will enjoy the ballet more than my nervous ass will. Maybe in a few months, I'll be recovered enough to do something like this."
I woke up with a stomach ache and general anxiety this morning. I ate a bowl of cereal because I could tell that I was going to have nausea as a result of low blood sugar problems if I tried to starve myself, and I also know that not eating makes me feel worse, not safer. I also had a cup of coffee because I'm pretty dependent on caffeine, but only one because I didn't want to get shaky, have to go to the bathroom repeatedly, or feel sick on account of the coffee.
I've gone to the bathroom twice so far, which is a trigger for the anxious thought, "See? You are sick and if you go to the ballet, you're going to have diarrhea."
I'm also feeling warm, but that's an anxiety symptom and it could also have to do with the fact that I'm still wearing my robe, which is too warm to sit around in all day. And I'm experiencing intermittent periods of dizziness, which is absolutely an anxiety symptom and nothing more - I've been tested for vertigo and any other conditions that might make me dizzy and been cleared by a doctor. I'm just not breathing well because I'm anxious.
Furthermore, I'm feeling a little hungry again (how could I be sick while I'm hungry?) and all my symptoms magically go away if I distract myself with television, setting up my planner for next week, or briefly telling myself that I can cop out of going to the ballet. If I were really sick, my symptoms wouldn't go away every time I stopped thinking about the ballet.
So here's my game plan:
I'm going to take a shower and get dressed up because resisting the urge to be a slob always makes me feel more in control.
I'm going to use my car time to dictate a couple thousand words of my current novel - and I'm going to be grateful for the distraction from work that the ballet provides because if it weren't for that, I'd be trudging through my rough draft all day.
I'm going to bring a pair of headphones in my purse so I can sneakily listen to calming music or an audiobook if I really need to during the play, and I'm also going to bring my fidget cube to use as a distraction.
My mantra for the day is, "It's just a temporary panic, and panic isn't dangerous," which I will repeat as necessary to keep myself from fighting the anxiety - I'll call on my meditation knowledge to let it wash over me rather than dam up behind me, and I'll practice staying present in the moment.
When it's over, I'm going to reward myself with a trip to Kohl's to buy a purse that my new Chromebook fits into so I can carry it with me always.
A few other things I like to remind myself of, which may or may not be in line with Carbonell's methods but which seem to help:
If I stayed at home, I definitely wouldn't get sick so there's no reason to expect sickness in this situation, either.
The whole event, round trip, will be about three hours, and the ballet will be roughly the length of a movie - I sit through two hours' worth of Netflix every single night and nothing bad ever happens, so this will be more of the same.
I'm driving separately so if I genuinely need to leave, I can.
If I were to actually get sick, I'd feel the same at home as I would in the theater so it doesn't matter where I vomit.
If my symptoms mean I have a cold or flu, again, I'd feel the same at home as I would having a cold or flu at the theater, and I never vomit from those problems so I may as well stay put - people go out when they're sick all the time and it's okay.
I still feel strongly in favor of cancelling, but I'm determined to do this because I know the way I feel has nothing to do with real illness and everything to do with anxiety. If I cancel today, it'll only be kicking this problem further down the road and making it harder to deal with later. Half the time when I get this worked up, I don't even end up having a panic attack, and the other half of the time, I do have a panic attack but I survive because there's nothing dangerous about a panic attack.
So I'm setting my intention right now. I need to leave the house at 1:30pm and I will return to my house again by 4:30pm. Even if I don't make it to the theater, I will force myself to be away from home during those hours, so I might as well go and hold up my end of a promise I made.
For the last couple of years, I've been screaming my anxiety fears into the Tumblr void and it's not helping anyone - talking to myself just makes me feel more alone and broadcasting my darkest fears only makes them seem bigger. So I thought I'd try writing here instead, and making sure to frame my thoughts in a positive, recovery-centered way.
I just started working through the Panic Attack Workbook by David Carbonell because I found his website and was blown away by how much I felt like he was writing about me specifically. I thought, "This is a man who can help me with my exact problems," and I'm optimistic that will be the case. But I'm only up to chapter five so that means I'm in the knows just enough to be dangerous phase of working through recovery.
My problem at this exact moment in time is that there's a Chromebook waiting for me to pick it up at Best Buy 15 minutes away, but:
It's Black Friday and I know the trip will take at least twice as long as usual because of the lines.
I can't stop thinking about an event I'm going to on Sunday that's causing anxiety, and I think if I don't "stay home and rest" now, I'll be too sick and anxious to go.
There's a strange aching behind my right ear, my throat's a little scratchy, I'm mildly dizzy, I've got a mild headache behind my eyes, and my stomach is rumbling - clearly a sign that I'm about to be imminently and catastrophically sick and not a result of having skipped lunch and dinner.
I've already been to this Best Buy once today in search of the same Chromebook. I left because the lines were long, but that was a function of impatience, not anxiety. I have very good reasons for going and picking it up today and not tomorrow, but the fact that I've already been there once today is making me think irrationally that it's risky to go again because I'm "pushing my luck".
Here's what I know when I strip away the anxiety response:
I've already 'scouted' the location so I know exactly how it will go - only it'll be better this time because I've pre-paid and it's later in the day.
I'm going to have a lot of fun setting up my new Chromebook tonight once I get it home.
How I feel today has absolutely no bearing on how I will feel on Sunday, and I have anxiety, not a physical condition, so I am not a "spoonie" as I sometimes think.
All of the physical symptoms I have can be easily explained away by a lack of food, a day spent looking at my computer screen, and the anxiety itself.
Even if I were to be sick in some manner during my trip, I could be home and "safe" in no more than two hours round trip - and that's being generous.
So I'm going to fill my water bottle to stave off the hunger symptoms a little longer, listen to some calming music on the way to the store, and pick up my new toy.
Not today, anxiety!
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It’s been a while since I wrote on here. I’ve avoided it. There have been plenty of times in the last few months when I could have written down my experiences.
I had a horrible, drawn out experience of getting a job and a flat when my uni course ended. It caused me countless sleepless nights, night terrors and bad habits.
I don’t know why I avoided this space. I chose it because it’s not mainstream. But this isn’t a big forum and there is that part of me that wants huge amounts of support...maybe that’s my ego...or maybe it’s a feeling of mutual experience that I don’t feel I’ve gotten with anyone completely yet.
But here I am, back again. And the changes have been huge.
I graduated from my course, moved from one city to another, moved in with my boyfriend, started a new job and it’s all been a lot.
I know I made good, positive decisions. I’m glad I’m independent and living with a man I love and have a job working with great people and live in a lovely flat. I did good by myself.
But settling in is taking a long time. I’m constantly fighting a sense of failure because I haven’t done anything to do with my acting degree. I want to do things but ‘life’ things get in the way but life is for the living and the doing and the pursueing of your dreams, I hear you say?!
Oh wait no, that’s my voice, in my head, shouting at me. Telling me I’m wasting my time, my precious time.
Oh yes, because I’ve been thinking a lot about death recently too. Dying and not doing any of the things I want to do. Imagining in detail the moment the light goes out. And then freaking out entirely.
Yesterday, I cried and cried because I felt so out of control of my anxiety. It consumed me. And I let myself be devoured.
Today it was a smaller knot in my chest that I could fool myself into believing it was wind.
Tomorrow I don’t know.
The day after, I don’t know.
Ive been to doctors and been told the most ridiculous useless nonsense of worse...just been told to breathe into a bag.
But I am going to go back in there next few weeks and try to get them to properly diagnose me.
Oh yeah. I’m not even properly diagnosed. None of my doctors wanted to talk more then 2 minutes about it.
So I want it. I want to be diagnosed. I want to be guided towards therapy. I want to be better. I can’t stand to go one with this ticking time machine in my chest. It’s unbearable.
I want to be able to fully enjoy what I have managed to piece together in my life right now and have the drive to push forward again.
But till next time...
Tonight I am lying awake. I have been trying to get to sleep for four hours. I’m home from uni for Easter and Home is the complete opposite of my uni home. My uni house is quiet, very little noise, no loud bangs, shouting or anything disturbing. But Home, there is always noise, the washer, the dryer, my mum pottering, my brother screeching, the tv on too loud and do NOT get me wrong. I love my family, I love Home. But going from one extreme to another does something to a girl.
Too much noise triggers my anxiety, crowded places, bars, cinemas, traffic, the tumble dryer. My ears are sensitive for some reason and all this can really disorientate me, it can give me headaches, makes me snappy with the people I love and then of course makes me hate myself.
So in short, I’ve been surrounded by a lot of noise the last few days and my anxiety is building, I can feel it.
Tuesday I go to Rome. On a plane. And I have a deathly fear of planes, every time I’ve been on one I have a panic attack, no matter how hard I try to stay calm.
I also have my dissertation due in two weeks and I need to be researching and preparing for two shows that I start rehearsing for in three weeks.
It’s fair to say I think that my brain has a lot of fuel for the anxiety fire.
But what I’ve been thinking about for the last hour is how limited I feel by my anxiety. I feel very limited.
I feel terror at the thought of causing a scene on the plane. Which makes me not want to get on the plane and see the world. Thus limited to England.
I feel terror at the thought of not succeeding to the level I’m aiming for at uni, failing and embarrassing myself in front my peers. Thus limited to not achieveing my degree.
I feel terror at the thought of auditioning and being in a movie or on stage and failing. Thus limited to mundane jobs and failing my dream.
I feel terror at not living my life but not knowing how too and being scared to live it in case I get it wrong. Thus, limited to staying safe inside a house, safely existing but hardly living.
And you guessed it, I’m scared of that too.
Deep down I know you should always keep trying to matter what and failing doesn’t mean your the failure and there’s no wrong way to live your life but then there’s the conflict.
Theres the reason I toss and turn and fight with myself for hours. Negative and Positive attitudes raging war within me.
I miss my boyfriend, I feel inspired by him, he has a new job at an incredible place and he’s learning so much and working so hard and he’s tired a lot. And I want to be comforted by him so much but I don’t want to ask for it because he has enough to deal with. I need to support him too.
I didn’t know what to do with my twilight thoughts and then I remembered I had this place and if I’m honest I wasn’t sure anyone was reading my blogs until I got my first ever comment from Jonathon on my last post and it filled me with lightness. Someone is reading this and understanding and I just can’t quite comprehend that. Because I don’t talk to anyone about any of this, not this honestly at least. So thank you. Thank you so much for reading.
Sometimes I weep. Sometimes I just cry my eyes out, thinking of a million different things, not knowing the real cause except whatever it is, is making me cry, silent hot droplets down my face. Weeping.
Most of the time I’ll be thinking about my nephew who passed away. Other popular mind topics are dying. My health. My family and friends. My future. Did I mention dying?
Recuring topics that will always be there, they will never go away and sometimes. When the stars aline, the thought of them makes me weep.
Weep with fear, alone in a dark room.
Waiting to be both completely alone and completely surround all at once.
Weeping feels like a release though. It’s not hysterical, panic driven or causes small screams that I stifle with a pillow.
I will sit or lay down and the tears will just fall down my face. The heat of them always surprising me. It is a release, it doesn’t necessarily make me feel better but something is open and shared when I weep to myself.
Today i weep...I think because I started to think about my nephew but then I started to think about my future and what I want to do. And I’ve been worried about my stomach the last few days too, it’s not felt so great.
So im making a promise to myself, this week I’m going to eat healthy, cry if I want to about it haha but I’m going to do it. I’m going to try and make a doctors appointment to take about anxiety medication and I’m going to keep my future creative. Aim for happiness and you can’t go wrong, someone very smart said that to me once.
I am currently in the middle of an anxiety day.
Last night I had a few drinks, got a bit tipsy at a friends house whilst looking after a his sisters birthday party. We had a lovely time. His parents are welcoming and I’ve met them many times. They took us out for tea during the day, I felt fine. This morning I’ve been very tired and my friends parents took us out for lunch. Somewhere I’d never been and that seems to be somewhat of an anxiety trigger for me. I could feel my tingles over my body, I began catching my breath, finding it hard to swallow and losing my concentration. I didn’t eat much and I was anxious to leave.
I felt awful because I was having a nice time, i was being treated. I’m now in the train back home with my two friends and I am just so tired, my tummy keeps hurting and I’m just not with it.
Im frustrated. I haven’t had anything for a little while. And I was proactive this week and went to see a counsellor, who made me feel welcome.
I want to put it down to being tired, my body isn’t isn’t in its best state and it’s showing. That’s what I want it too be. Whether it is that or not remains to be answered.
For now I’m going to keep as calm as I can on this hurtling train, think of Home, think of my safe space and breathe.
Best wishes to you all,
I can feel myself fraying again. And it is to do with my boyfriend.
I know he would never do anything to hurt me. On purpose. I am a sensitive person, hyper sensitive so the smallest of things can get to me and I have to remember that constantly.
For example, last night I finished a show and it was the end of a 4 week long process and I was tired and I wanted to get home because I wanted to get in bed and I hoped there would be a chance that my boyfriend would be back from work and would want to come over. There were no buses home for ages so I decided to walk the half an hour home, which I normally would do but it was midnight on a Saturday and I like to be safe but nethertheless I walked. I was feeling a bit sad and nervy because the rest of my friends were going out partying but I had lots of bags and I wasn’t dressed right and I dunno, things have to line up right for me to feel like going out. So feeling a bit blue and walking home alone, I called my boyfriend. He didn’t pick up. I got half way home and after feeling like I was being followed I was feeling quite on edge. Of course, it was only another person on the other side of the road and someone behind me just going their own way home possibly but it elevated my state of mind immediately. Then I get a message from my boyfriend saying he’s out in a club (next to the theatre I had just left) with some friends. 5 minutes from home I start hysterically crying, I feel alone, very alone. Now I realise, I’m tired from a long week let alone a long day but I felt very alone I started talking to myself, telling myself that I’ll always end up alone because no one is screwed up in the way I’m screwed up and I began wishing that I was normal and wishing that I was like everyone else, without a brain that doesn’t switch off, without nerves that are so easily damaged and a body that reacts to everything.
I continued to cry when I got home, I managed to calm down but I forced myself to stay awake. Like I am now, writing this. Because I didn’t want to try to sleep whilst feeling like I did.
And I wanted to see, if I stayed up long enough, would he come to me. And I waited and at 3am he asked if I wanted him to come round and I said yes and he arrived. We got in bed and feel straight asleep. I had him in my arms and I got what I wanted.
Right now he is with friends drinking again, like he has every right too. And I am sat in bed writing this because I want him here. I don’t know if I’m protesting, if I’m being a crazy woman?
I want him to have a life, of course, I want him to do everything that he wants in life but not being a priority scares me. And he shows me I am when it really matters. If I said I needed him right now, he would come running. We are going to live with each other in a few months and that should be enough. But I can’t shake this feeling that he’s going to love his life and I’m not going to live mine because I sometimes only feel alive when he is here. I don’t want to smother him. I don’t want to be left behind. I don’t want to be a ball and chain. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want him to run away. I don’t want him to find out. I don’t want to be a second thought. I don’t want to be the first. I don’t want to feel like I’m constantly pining for him when he doesn’t pine for me. I’m afraid I love him, want him and need him more then he does me. I’m afraid I want more then he does, that I need more then he does.
These are just some of rambles in my head. I’m sure you can imagine how they go on and twist and get deeper and darker.
I’m not sure what action I want to take. I just keep telling myself to breathe, that I love him and rationally thinking will come back to me soon. Like it always does, calming me and making me feel like a fool.
So I’ve been back at university for a week now and it’s been very different. I do an acting degree which is possibly the most emotionally/physically diverse course you can think of. I am in my third year so they have turned up the heat. Last week I was in 9 hours everyday and was not even home in the evenings because I had assessment and social engagements. Lord almighty I was busy.
Things slipped. I didn’t do my washing up, tidy my room, wash my clothes and I cried at the end of the second day back because I foresaw the next ten weeks as being as stressful as my first two days.
I’m now in my second week back and the flow has already changed. Today I had a half day and tomorrow I have off. How amazing.
This weekend I tidied my room and did all my washing and even took up crochet, a leisure activity I hope will help in my thinky thinky times I sometimes have that stop me sleeping.
Ive done some really positive things despite my stress, including contacting my university council long service because I realise, even though I feel like I’m entering a good space right now, ignoring the bad moments that have happened will only suppress them. Even if I feel good, I need explanation for the bad times.
Im also finding new dynamics in my relationships with people. I realise I won’t be able to see my boyfriend heeps this term because I have a full timetable but I’ve made it a positive, I normal have trouble sleeping without him because my brain starts wandering but I want to use these opportunities to train myself out of that. I’ve been spending quality time with my housemates, playing board games and having a drink which makes me feel secure in our home. I’ve been honest and sharing with my parents which makes me feel better about the fragile states I sometimes get in to.
I do feel positive now and I’ll enjoy it, for as long as I can. I never plan to fall back into the hole but the next time I do, I hope I read back on this post and remember that good times can be had and I appreciated this moment in my life right now.
Best health and happiness to you all,