January 2012. The past year has been eventful to say the least. Met some amazing people, had some bad times, some great times, some frustrating times but lots of laughs too. And now I find myself in charge of a site. Just how did that happen? lol It's never been my intention. I love to help people, in helping people, I help myself. I've said in the past, if it came down to it, I would be willing to do something. I guess I didn't really think it would happen, but here we are!
It's a shame that things didn't work out at the last site. I always tried my best to help it work, doing this was an attempt to make it work. No matter what people thought, my intentions were for the good of us all. To make a site where everyone felt able to come, to get support, to not feel alone and to have a bit of a laugh when it was needed. I took it upon myself to try to push to make it better there, it didn't work, maybe I was wrong, maybe it was meant to happen like this, idk. But it happened, it got out of my control, and now here we are.
One of the things that motivates me every day, and believe me I've been struggling with motivation a lot lately, is all the people I've met in the past year or so. How supporting each other has made such a huge difference. Looking after my paralyzed Mum is a daily struggle, I'm unhappy with that, I know I am. I don't want to have to do it, it's hard enough battling my anxieties but it is what it is. Having such amazing people to keep my spirits up, it keeps me plodding along. I want to thank you all, it means more than I can put into words.
I will give this site my all, we're in this together. It's for us, and we deserve it. xxx
Why should one make a blog?
There are a number of reasons to why making a blog is great, the advantages are:
1 - Relieves Stress
2 - Can help others
3 - Preach what YOU care about
4 - You have control
5 - It can actually turn into a business (like Cake Wrecks).
There are a couple of disadvantages though:
1- Research, can take up time and not always be correct, always double check.
2 - People may read what you see as light hearted chat as to be something mean and nasty.
3 - Trolls, yes they happen on blogs too.
4 - Websites go down
5 - Some blogging sites are difficult to use and puts people off.
Here at AC however it's easy peasy, and within reason you can blog about what you like, but please, if you blogs are hate, racist or too explicit, they will be deleted and information will be passed onto Admin who will then decide which action to take with your account.
Thanks for reading!
Yesterday was Family Dinner Sunday. After we buried Mum FDS has been switched abt but now it's back on the right 2 Sundays as it was while she was making her awesome dinners. Now it's just my Dad, my Baby Brother (21) and myself. So we hit Burger King, KFC and last night a carvery now. (Forgot to pick up a spade and my drill, grrr) when my brother dro e me home we ended up spending abt 15 mins talking about the latest season of DareDevil and House of Cards. Think the three of us spent half the evening yapping away abt telly and gaming. The dinner was pretty good too but I shoulda gone with the Burger. Put on Tomb Raider (the one on the island with a Sun Queen cult) got to this parachute stage and died every 20 seconds for half an hour. It was infuriating but no controllers were harmed ?. So I put on the first couple of episodes of Band of Brothers. Seen bits of it before but never knew how good it was. Meds kicked in and I was snoozing by 12.
Wayhey wide awake this morning. Decided to leave one curtain half open to see if waking up to a light morning would help with the phantom hangovers/lethargy. I think it did. Woke up bright and breezy, gave muttley a good morning pet then off to coffee town. It was a lovely morning with a blue/pink sky. Get to Barshaw, Coffee in one hand, cig in the other and Zoom being her usual fussy self abt where she's going to plant her butt sausages. Theres nothing more infuriating than standing in another dogs mess when you are picking up your own dogs mess. (That people is irony not what Alanis Morrisette thinks it is. Rain on your wedding day is annoying not ironic).
Time to escape back into Xbox because LEGO games cheer me up no end. Take care peeps
Roller coaster of moods, I just couldn't help but look at old photos of my kids and I started crying out of nowhere because it was before my son was diagnosed with this and before he had his other surgeries. I just want healthy kids. They are beautiful and handsome kids. I love them with all my heart and more. Why can't i keep them safe and healthy. I would give up both of my eyes just to make sure Jasper doesn't lose his one.
I'm sorry it was so short. I just cant..... Crying far too much to continue..... I want to self harm on top of it, great. FML
4:16am and waiting for my son to wake up so we can go to his surgery thats 45 minutes away. Have to be there @ 7 am and his surgery is @ 8:45am
Anxious as ever and hoping everything goes well, taking my spare bottle of valium with me to get through the whole process.
Hallucinations are really bad right now, unable to focus or concentrate on anything, hoping a xanax will calm me down but i think im just going to sit in my chair, afraid as always that something bad may happen. They wont stop staring at me and its painful, how can something so faceless stare at me and send pain shooting through my head knowing they want to harm me or my family. The voices are deafening, it's as if a stadium full of people are talking in my head and i can't make out a single voice as they are all yelling over each other. It's getting worse daily, going to talk to my doctor about it on Thursday.
Still paranoid over the SSI application and hoping I don't get declined, thats not helping anything either. It will either make my life easier by being approved or make my life just as hard if not harder if i'm declined.
I would also like to thank this group for listening to my constant ramblings and understanding of me not being in the right state of mind. I hope i contribute enough in chat that it isn't one sided. I feel somewhat like an outcast because its like joining a new school in the middle of the year, everyone has already established friendships and know each other a bit and i'm just there, a third wheel unable to contribute to conversations i know nothing about and jumping in and asking isn't always my style because it's really none of my business if i haven't been told about it personally.
I've had panic attacks in the middle of the night before. They sucked, but were manageable, for the most part. Tonight, for this first time, I had a full fledged panic attack. My heart was pounding and felt like it was going incredibly fast. I was shaking really terribly. I had to wake up my husband and I wanted him to call an ambulance but he said I was okay, that it was a panic attack (he ended up being right I guess...) my arms were cold my legs were numb feeling... This was by far the worst attack I have had. I don't want to say "had, yet." Because I'm really praying that never happens again. I was so scared. Now he and my daughter are already back to sleep and I'm laying here waiting for my Xanax to kick in so that I can join them. Meanwhile, my gut is supremely displeased that we had the shakes so bad so my tummy is upset too.... Oh Lord, when will this end? How do I overcome this? Other people have, so I know I can, but when? And must it be so scary in the meantime? Here's to hoping that I can sleep soon...
Living this life and trying to survive is ridiculously difficult. Whatg am I suppose to do? I don't even get enough assistance to make rent let aloe everything else. At the moment my father is helping me make ends meet and credit cards but this cant go on forever. I need a job from home so bad it hurts. I would excel at that job, I'd be a workaholic I'd be great...But how do I land that job? I've been searching forever and nothing. I try to work outside but I can't hold a job longer than a minute before II freak out shut down and become a recluse again. Then I cycle with the whole depression anxiety thing until I gain enough strength to do the whole thing over again. I need money. I also need this anxiety to stop and constant fear in my heart and stomach. Going out starts the sleepless night before filled with anxiety and restlessness and sometime tears. Then exhausted I go to my doctor appointment or interview or visit to my folks. Work? HA! what a joke. Man if I had a job at home I'd could put those sleepless nights to work and actually be productive rather than sad pathetic and depressed. How do I get the job though?
This just in... another bill from another credit card I just maxed out. wtf. I'm digging an impossible hole and there is no way I can get out. There is so much more going on too that I will share later, but thought I'd start with a vent...sorry bout that, but no one around here has clue of what this disease is about and well I just found this site. anyway. If you got any ideas or advise that would be greatly appreciated
I'm not sure what the protocol is here, but I already have a blog with a small amount of content in regards to my anxiety. I don't know if I should transfer the posts here, or just start from where I left off. If anyone is interested in what I've already written, you can find it here: http://crazyanxiouslife.blogspot.com/ I would really appreciate any feedback! I look forward to getting to know you guys.
Being patient is not easy.
But when you are someone who is recovering from a mental illness and who has to deal with it in their daily life, patience is a crucial skill one must acquire.
Healing and recovering takes time. It doesn't happen overnight, or in a day, or a week or a month, but over a long period of many months and years depending on the individual of course.
I find it hard to be patient in this area. In all other ways in my life and my behaviour, I am a very patient person. But when it comes to recovery, you just want to be normal, you want to wake up and feel happy. You don't want to wait to feel better, you want it to happen straight away. You wish and hope and pray that it would just go away. But it doesn't unfortunately.
Recovery takes time, patience, love, kindness to yourself and being aware of your weak points and strengths. It took me a long time to realise this and to understand this.
I guess we all feel like it would be amazing if we could just take a pill and it would cure us. But of course life doesn't work that way.
We have to find the strength inside us, to dig deep and find our inner power in order to continue on our road to recovery. Patience is part of this process and is something that we need to work on and to trust that it will be worth it in the end.
I know that no matter how much time it takes for me to get better, it will always be worth my patience and time in the end.
Of the many anxieties that I have hypochondria is my least favorite. The reason for this is simple, the fear of being right. As a hypochondriac I have to be very careful about when and why I go to see a doctor. Not only because of the expense which only seems to get worse as you get older (but then what doesn't?), but also you don't want to be the patient who cried sick. I can't speak for others but my knee jerk reaction when I think I have a serious medical problem is to look for other explanations. I had to work very hard to make that my first reaction because I had a time when I'd look my symptoms up online. (There should be some sort of warning on those sites " If you have health anxiety DON'T continue" it wouldn't have stopped me of course but still, they have no problem giving you warnings about everything else.) The trouble with that of course is any number of things could cause you to have those same symptoms, like how the anxiety you feel over thinking you have a serious medical issue can be difficult to separate from regular symptoms. The irregular heartbeat, trouble breathing, lightheadedness, the tingling feeling, even when you know what a panic attack feels like it's hard to tell. So as a result I almost never go to a doctor for something that suddenly pops up, I wait it out and usually in a day or two whatever was wrong has sorted itself out or I figured out what caused it and took steps to fix it. When that happens I give myself a little pat on the back, I did the right thing, I didn't waste my time and money on something I didn't need to.
Unfortunately, before I can give myself that little back pat there is the fear of being right. The fear that this is the time something actually is seriously wrong, this is the time that I should go straight to a doctor. This is the time when as a hypochondriac my habit of convincing myself that I'll be fine will lead to my getting worse. It especially hits at night generally right when you most want to go to sleep. During the day when either you're surrounded by people at work, or while running your errands, or even just because most of the people you know are awake, there is a certain comfort in that, "If I suddenly pass out, or start getting sick someone will notice" "If it gets so bad I don't think I can drive I can just call this person for a ride". But in the middle of the night when you're so tired, and either alone or you just don't want to disturb someone else for what might be nothing. That is when the fear starts to creep in, "What if I go to sleep and it gets worse? "What if when I do finally go to the doctor in the morning they say I should have come straight in? That because I didn't it'll be harder to treat, or that they'll need to take more extreme measures?" "What if this time, I'm right?"
Everyone here wants to feel better. I'm sure we'd all like to be more successful, make more money, maybe be in better shape, maybe find that special someone, maybe a job or a promotion... I think that's fairly common of everyone. The thing that anxiety has taught us though, is that simply wanting something isn't enough. We can all wish our anxiety would go away, or that someone would develop a med that would just magically make life great. Unfortunately, that's not how it works.
So then, it comes down to you, between the ears. What are you really willing to work for? I don't mean work like punching a clock or hoping. I mean the good, old-fashioned, nose to the grind stone work. It may not be easy and it's probably going to bring about a little pain. You know, the good kind. Like after a hard workout, your muscles hurt and your body aches, but you know that you've just gotten stronger. Dating can be frustrating. It's a never ending maze of wondering if they're into you like you're into them. Waiting for a text or return call that may or may not come, it can hurt. But when you finally find the one... the one that makes it worth the journey, you know the pain was worth it. Promotions generally aren't just handed out, they're earned. They're earned sometimes by long days and short nights. Maybe it's work on the weekend to get caught up on a big project. It's time away from other things you'd rather be doing, but you know that the payoff at the end is worth it, so you endure some pains to get there.
Anxiety is no less real than any other life circumstance. I think we all tend to forget that at times. To get better, we have to take on some pains. There are several others on here besides me who encourage everyone to accept their feelings and face their fears. Guess what, that's not easy. There's not one person who's said it was. You're going to be scared at times, you're going to guess and second guess things (which I guess, duh... that's kind of what this anxiety thing is all about). But just like that big promotion that you may want, you're not going to learn to accept and overcome your anxiety without stepping outside your comfort zone a bit and really putting in the work to get past it. Just like that killer workout routine you started, part of getting stronger is enduring a little pain. I don't mean this to be frightening, it's not at all. The absolute best things in life are the things that you have to bust your butt to get. It's the blood, sweat and tears that you pour into the things that matter in life that provide the kind of satisfaction that really does bring some meaning to your life.
Fear, being alone, feeling isolated, depression, desperation... NONE of these things can stand up to you if you're willing to put in the work to get past them. I promise each and every one of you who take the time to read this that you can do it. It won't always be easy, but it WILL be worth it!
Writing has always been a stress release for me. Mostly because I knew my family was sick of having to listen to me freak out about things that they considered stupid, it was the only way to get my feelings out. I guess that I'm hoping that other people will be able to relate to what I've been going through here, and with that in mind I'll start this blog with something I wrote a while ago. Please forgive any grammar mistakes, or if it's a bit rambling.
"Just calm down"
"It's not that big of a deal"
"I can't talk to you when you're like this"
For some people those words are the worst thing you can say. Those words so easily spoken that dismiss you completely, that tell you how unimportant you are, how trivial the thing that made you upset is. Sometimes what hurts the most is how you can see their point, you know on some level how silly you must seem to them. However those words don't help you, those words don't flip a magic switch that stops your crying. It doesn't make your breathing come easier, or snap something into place that makes you think "wow, they were right thank God they said that". All it really does is make you feel worse about yourself, and is it really so difficult for the person you reached out too someone you believe cares about you to just listen? Just let you get it out of your system? Don't they realize that every time they say those words you loose some of your faith in them? If they can't take the time to listen, or at least try to understand you the day will come when you feel like you can't talk to them at all. You won't want to go to them with any problem, because you've gotten to the point where you are expecting them to just dismiss you. So of course when something is actually wrong and you didn't confide in them they'll be hurt, they'll want to know why. But what can you tell them? How do you explain the gradual realization that the only way to stop hearing those painful words is to not share your own?
So I'm back and I know its been a long time.
But hear me out.
I have been through the ringer in the last 4 months. I dont really know what happened or you know, how I got over it. Sometimes I feel like I just kind of sail through stuff like a cloud and then I dont realise how hard it was for me to get through it.
One thing I did do that I am actually, for the first time in my life, I am proud to say that I finished my teaching degree.
I actually for some unknown reason/s survived four years of university and got a degree.
That is something I can say is the one and only thing that has made me proud of myself. It is immensely hard for me to recognise when I have done well at something because I guess I have always believed and have thought and understood that I was never good enough to be proud of myself. I have always been told by my family how much they appreciate me and how much they love me and think I have done wonderful things but I just could never see it.
When I realised I was proud of myself it was like I didnt have a clue what was going on. I felt this overwhelming sense of oh my god I actually did it. After all this time and after all those moments when I was ready to quit, I finally made it.
But then of course the dark clouds come rolling on in and I feel like a failure for not getting a full time job yet. And for feeling sad everytime I see my fellow graduates posting photos of their new classrooms on facebook and people asking me every five seconds if I have a job yet and then looking disappointed when I say no. And for feeling like they're thinking "why the hell dont you have a job yet? What's wrong with you? Aren't you good enough?"
Thats what is going through my head and what has been going through my head for the past four months of my life.
It's wearing quite thin actually. I know I have acheived a lot and I am probably just being silly but those thoughts are still there you know. Like I just wish that I could be content with life but I'm not and I dont know if I ever will be. I want to live and I want to be a teacher and have my own class and be that person I've been wanting to be for the last four years.
It's just gonna take time and for now, when I am not feeling so great, I need to remember what I have achieved and that sometimes we have to wait for great things to happen.
I think I am becoming more aware of my thoughts and how to deal with them. I am becoming stronger day by day but like every person, I have my moments and this is just one of them.
- georgia x
So it's occurred to me as myself and others have sort of rode the back and forth pendulum that is managing and dealing with anxiety a lot. There are good days, there are challenging days. There are good weeks and challenging weeks. The temptation is always to ride the waves a bit, but that can be dangerous. For a lot of us though, it's that unrealistic fear of the big picture that leads us to our anxious states as well, and that's obviously dangerous. So what are the answers?
One of the things that I've read in several books about anxiety, self-help type books, articles on emotions, etc. is allowing yourself to feel your feelings. Any of you I've spoken to have probably heard me say this a lot, but it's worth mentioning again. For me, managing and dealing with anxiety is a delicate balance of staying in the here and now and also understanding the process. It's important that in the moment you allow yourself to feel whatever is going on. It may be a sensation you feel is good, or it may be a day or week that's had it's share of challenges. In the end, they're just emotions. Emotions are based on perceptions. I think it's fair to assume that each of us has felt at some point along the way that we "should" be doing this or that or "could" be doing this or that. But what are those things really based on? Society, family, our own internal pressures? None of those things means that it's right. We're all our own unique and individual selves and how we act and respond and the timelines by which we do so are all infinitely different than anyone else. Just like none of the two of us will look alike or act alike or be the same person, it's silly to say that because so and so got back to work in a month, why can't I? Well... because you're not them.
In the moment, try and allow yourself to just embrace your feelings, realizing that you're on a journey. It's a long road sometimes, but you have to put one foot in front of the other. Where the big picture comes into play is realizing all you've already overcome. Rome wasn't built in a day, it was built brick by brick. It's ok sometimes to look and realize that while the Coliseum isn't yet complete, you've come a heck of a long way. Use that strength and wisdom to allow yourself to see the good that you've done and the progress you've made. Hopefully that will help level out some of those valleys that we all go through and help you say on track. And that track is putting down the next brick, building your solid foundation and ultimately on your road to recovery.
Hi, been a while since I have posted.Sometimes I just did not have the mental energy and also no progress to report.I thought by some chance I would find a holistic cure.That one day I would walk out my door with a smile on my face and no sunglasses to hide behind.Nope that didn't work out .So far I',m stuck inside all day and maybe go Out only IfHusband goes to a store with me.I want to work anywhere even flipping burgers anything but, I cant even work up the guts to ask for a application.Getting a job would be huge and help with the ever mounting bills and maybe I could buy some decent clothes.
I hope to get a Drs appointment maybe in Spring.Lets hope this will be my year of treatment and no more sitting in the house going what time is it? It still can't be 1 pm.Just want to be busy and busy makes me so happy.
Ok thats it for now:)
My name is Francesco or "Frank" as I am known in this great country of Australia.
I Was born in NSW and still reside and work here. I grew up with fear and was quiet my whole life and I didn't understand why but I just couldn't bring myself to get close to anyone or have conversations. I always hid in the background keeping to myself and not saying much and if i had the choice I would stick to video games and television because no one could be angry at me or scare me. Television didn't help much it rather put more fear into me filling my head with fear of people and places as the news channels seem to continue to do these days. I used to have many fears as a child such as; people, animals, conversation, public places, anyone getting near the house, phone calls, teachers etc.
I never really felt comfortable around anyone I didn't have many friends out of schooling throughout primary just some at school time although I know I did want that connection with people I just laid in bed wondering why I couldn't make friends. I always got called cranky franky where ever I went and the name has always summarized me to this day.
I put a lot of blame on my current state due to my parents as others might in their own situations. Myself I had parents going through money troubles while being massive gamblers (Would go to the gambling areas with them) and verbally abusing each other which is my greatest known memories as a child. If something wasn't right with my brother and I or we had a little problem we would a great deal of verbal abuse (never physical) but verbal abuse with the following "I am sorry" continuously.
My brother would always see himself as better than me my whole childhood and I used to hear it constantly which I feel was not great for me as I did feel as if I wasn't good at anything. Along with that the rest of my family including my grandparents (can't say much about them they are/were the best RIP nonno Frank) they would being Italians, grow tomatoes and other vegetables and always seek help from my brother but if they ever needed my help I wasn't good enough so I would always go inside and play my games again and just feel like I wasn't good enough. Throughout the same period I would encounter the "you are lazy" for these situations and I would feel the whole world sees my as this.
Others might have felt my situation as different but in the state I was in as a child I couldn't do much back than but block everything out with headphones/earphones. These great devices become my help savior but also my crutch to life as I would hide behind my metal/rock music and bands I still listen to today.
I also was much smaller in size and height than fellow peers with a problem being a chest defect known as 'pectus excavatum' and few other insignificant problems.
I will leave more of my childhood out because I feel this is getting too long but this is the Main problems I had as a child.
I never recovered from those situations and this continued throughout my schooling. I was super shy throughout school and would avoid a lot of people and conversations as I could. I never went into a swimming carnival or took my shirt off for apparent reasons which also affected me in many ways. I had the fear that no girl would ever accept my chest and I would hide it from the would in sporting and general trying to use push ups to rearrange my body to better suit girls and hope someone would accept me.
I had problems in classroom such as. I had trouble which speeches I hated them badly and that everything I would say would be Dumb,as I wasn't the smartest guy out there because I had many troubles focusing when trying to study at home or in general. The words would wobble when I read them or I would need to continue reading phrases so they would stick into my head because I my mind would just wander off continuously. It wasn't that I was lazy as such I wanting so much for myself I just could not help myself and it reflected in the many troubles I had at school.
I wasn't a bad guy or the mean child because I knew everyone enjoyed my company and I didn't like to hurt anyone as I continue as my legacy today. I had friends in high school luckily they were great and I have some still these says I can count them on two hands though.
During exams I would always have a stomach problem and would need to push my stomach into the desk to relieve the cramps I would continuously receive. I had trouble speaking and ever putting my hand up to go to the bathroom would be a hard task and group activities weren't easy either but the more it got a lot better as I would need less input. I was also scared of many people at school just being taller and older or just being in big groups or church I would continuously sweat as many people were around me and might be judging me.
I had not much luck through school relationship wise as many beautiful girls actually liked me but I needed to turn them down out of fear of not knowing what to do or if they would like my body. I had one girl I finally pushed myself toward at 16 years old and I couldn't have been happier to finally meet someone I liked. The tension between us went for ages and it felt like forever until we went to a friends birthday party together which I got shot down at which blew a massive hole in my heart and left me lying a chair unresponsive and upset until I left with another mate. That left me without a girl friend until I was 18-19 years old.
During School I was lucky enough to have a dish washing job at a club my dad worked at. Everyone used to make a bit of fun of me I was scared of the boss and just communication and everyone around me. I tried my best to work there as it was good money but eventually I had to leave out of fear. Enough on school these were the main scenarios
After school I am sad to say I was stuck at home for a year on a gap that was unintended as I really badly wanted a plumbing apprenticeship or just a decent apprenticeship in general. Job interview after interview with a (cranky look on my face) but a forced smile I did the interviews so many I went to and none I hear from I was told to call them back but many didn't care for that or I just wasn't good enough. This all resulted in myself giving up and just wallowing in self pity as I just felt I was a terrible person and everyone would hate me because I couldn't do it I just couldn't.
My family didn't help as I continuously struggled my brain in a mess they just said to me: get up! why are you doing this! stop laying down and go out and a get a job! I am taking you to see someone! you are lazy! you need to go on medication! but no I had fear of the doctors too and feeling as if everyone would treat me differently as I still do today. I finally got an apprenticeship or two or three or five and I tried them lots of them. I struggled to work, communicate and continue doing things with lots of things on my mind all the time like what to do with my life and what is going to happen in the future.
The last job is the most important as I found a girlfriend on a dating time at the very same time I found a decent apprenticeship. Hopeless I am when it comes to relationships as I am scared, get clingy and fear of being cheated on. She was the girl I lost my virginity with and her with me. I would talk constantly to her and wouldn't leave her side (I know where I was wrong now) and when I feared of break up I followed her to do courses with her (thinking I could become a primary teacher) and this backfired and ended in turmoil and me ending off the last month or so travelling in by myself while she was there and a bunch of girls against me and me being alone until I finished the course (it was child services) to branch into teaching btw.
I finished the course gladly as I hated it very much but wanted to succeed in something and I passed with flying colors. I even went on to continue my primary teaching course i chose to do as I wanted to learn and become a teacher. two semesters down I lost focus as I was doing this via distance because I was too scared to go into college by myself and study become slow and I failed the two units which resulted in failure. during these times I also went to music college (excelling highly in music through school) as a drummer which I went through the whole year acing everything and enjoying my time until I got to the performance at the end of the year which I was too scared to do and ended up leaving the college before finishing my first diploma in music out of stage fright (my favorite and most notable career gone at the blink of an eye).
After all this I struggled looking for job after job while working with my uncle Dom sometimes doing concrete pumping. This was a hard job but my uncle was good to me besides thinking I was also lazy and I struggled with communication continuously with the concreters around the same time I continued trying to find a job. Throughout this whole time I was scared to tell anyone anything about my life because I felt and still feel like a looser for going through all these problems and I felt people would look down at me or I would lose their friendship.
I found another girlfriend at a friends girlfriends party around this time she lived a fair bit away and I needed to travel 100km approx to meet her. I never got sexual contact from her besides a few boob touches as she was christian and she eventually got over me. This resulted in another spiral down which metal blocks that affected my daily life and made me sloth like.
My Nonno and Nonno "grandparents" (the best ever) had two shops they rented out. After one dispute about raising the price of the rent by $100.00 AUD on the on the Indian family that was paying $600.00 AUD a week to rent a double story complex that shared a shop (news agents,post, groceries and takeaway) with a 3 bedroom appartment above with plenty of parking and space (The unit now renting at $300.00 to a friend which would be no less than $400-$450 now as it is next to a bottle shop/ petrol station, above the other shop and next to a railway).
This dispute happened and resulted in the tenant moving down to a store 100 metres away which made my nonna/nonno and myself have to open a take away store in its place. This never was a plan for me but I suggested we open this and the family agreed with me. I didn't know what I was getting myself into I couldn't and can barely shit talk to people working in an environment where I see public every day and need to talk directly with them about their lives. I needed to start work at 6am and finish at 6pm which was not good either as i was transitioning into full time work and resulted in me being lethargic and needing to have plenty of naps during the day and I was often always down.
It took me a while to get used to this work and the long hours but I did luckily. During this time though my grandfather I was named after (nonno Frank) and one of my best friends went through c****r treatment as well as my older brother and it was tough as my nonna needed to go around for both of them and I help the shop going with out workers. It was rough but my brother pulled through and beat the c****r but my nonnos spread and I eventually lost him the next year. I still miss him until this day as any would and I got a tattoo in his honor.
After this I knew I needed to be better for my Nonna but it still isn't working I struggle day to day talking to people and have to push myself in into situations where I need to talk but I get up every day at 4:30am to start at 5:30am and work most days until 6:30pm. I still struggle though I went through years on medication for depression which made me many times s*****al and resulted in me refusing myself to take them and trying my own ways to cope.
lately I try exercising, deep breathing and just shy away whenever I can. I have my money part of my life together kind of I don't make much money but what I have I try to save and I work as hard as I can mentally and physically. I still have conversation problems although it is a little better and I cannot make eye contact it is so hard!! I also need to distract myself with mind games on my phone or music/shows for a while to refresh my mind during i am working.
I am still trying to encourage myself to date again but now I can't even find a girl to chat with all social media girls seem to not accept me, click yes on me or just feel like I am the right person to talk to because others may be better looking or more interesting. A problem I have is always telling the truth as in I am only 5"7 tall I am interested in gaming, comic related stuff and coffee. I just can't seem to find anyone interest in me enough to try to date me and even if I did i would not have a clue what to do on a date anymore. I can't approach women in public also I am just to scared about my past acceptance and this is making me struggle all round all women I am shy around now even in the shop and I cant seem to talk properly I need help.
I feel as if I am not always on earth just in a distant universe as in my mind just does't feel on earth all the time.
I constantly need caffeine in the form of red bull or coffee maybe (3-5 daily) otherwise I lose momentum and start to feel dizzy or tired.
I get jealous of other peoples enjoyment, wealth or health because I want better for myself but just can't seem to pick myself up.
All women are beautiful to me but also so scary
I hate a lot of things including Christmas and birthdays
If I don't like something I will just stop doing it straight away like smoking I can start and stop without the worry about being hooked like all my friends and this is the same with everything I can easily just stop anything.
I haven't made any outside friends from school only one that works with me because I just cant communicate or attach myself to anyone I just don't stick.
having barely any friends affects me as I am stuck at home when not at work playing games or watching shows
I don't like going into public much because of everything but I just don't enjoy social events
I cant even talk to people online even if I know they can't see me I just feel embarrassed
I try to avoid family and friends out of embarrassment and don't share my past history or feelings at all to anyone, ever!!! I just have noone to talk to about stuff
My sex is hard because when I do I feel bad after and feel like I will get the girls pregnant (funny story about that I will post later)t
I slip into a depressed state ever so often and sometimes come out
I am always anxious with money and the future which is good and bad it make me less social as I wont spend but that can also be good as I am saving for a future (house etc)
I always feel people hate me or the food I cook and it affects me as I will stop talking to them for a while or stop talking to the people I think hate me until I realise I am wrong and they like me or just don't care to judge.
always feel I am being judged and not good enough
My mother owes me constantly being a gambler right now she owes me $900.00 AUD and I have even got a loan out for $20,000 AUD once for her to help as she manipulated me being slower at interpreting things in life which I now realise it was for her to gamble more and try and win money back.
I might have missed out a few key things but to the best of my memory this is what has and is happening and its good to get off my chest in a post and hopefully others feel better about themselves. Please write your own stories if you can relate.
Bad days happen. It's hard to tell yourself that when you're in the middle of the bad stuff, the bad day, the anxious moment, the panic. But as all things come and go, and so do the bad days.
Sometimes the Bad Day just starts bad from the get go. Sometimes it gets triggered and the rest of the day just becomes worse and worse. Either way, it just plain sucks.
Today, my Bad Day started out meh and progressed to annoyance. Then I was triggered. A friend brought up my past, and I came to the realization that I am battling within myself - between avoidance and acceptance of that past. Which furthered my bad day to worse - I began to panic, heart throbbing, head starting to spin and not being able to breathe. My vicious cycle thinking immediately starting to shit on myself for even being triggered in the first place, and the cycle of anxiety and fear continued.
My past includes feeling abandoned by my mother, neglected by my father and emotionally abused by my step-mother. After repressing this through university, I broke down in a high-stress job. I was diagnosed with GAD with Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome (aka vomiting all the time). I set up boundaries with my dad and no longer have my step mom in my life (even though she still controls his life and he has to see me in secret...), I began my recovery, and things were looking up.
Until my friend today said: "Parents are the only people that are there to fight for their children. No one else except parents are there. Your parents didn't fight for you. And I think that's the root of all your problems."
That stirred something deep, something I hadn't brought to the surface in a while. The cycle began. Was I avoiding this? Was I accepting it by refusing to see my step-mother? What if that? What should I do? How do I forget this, or that? Accept this?
A million questions running through my mind, panic settling into my frazzled nerves, tears forming, and hyperventilating beginning. The fear was setting in.
I managed to stop. Just for a moment my vicious cycle thinking stopped. "It's just a bad day. Not a bad life." Be thankful for today, for what's in front of you, for what's coming, for what you have. Be grateful for where you've come from and how far that journey has been and how far you have come. Most of all, be compassionate to yourself. Bad Days happen, and it's okay to be sad, to be angry, to be anxious and to feel that way for whatever reasons. It's okay to feel. And then move on to the next moment, the next feeling. Bad days come and go, as do good days, sad days, amazing days, and lonely days.
Life just is. A bad day is just that - one day out of a whole whack of days on this journey we call life.
So Christmas is finally over and i cant say im disappointed, i have always loved Christmas time and everything that comes along with it however this year was the first time i felt incredibly anxious and depressed, i dreaded the family visits and socializing, which hit me pretty hard as i had realized that instead of getting better which i thought i was slowly doing, i have in fact tuned out worse than ever!
from christmas eve i had been crying non stop, so full of self loathing and guilt over the way i am, look and feel. i just wish it would stop. i consumed far too much alcohol over the last few days just to help me cope so i am feeling more than rough. as much as i am feeling anxious, i am so fed up of these four walls. i am stuck in this downer. my day consists of letting the dog outside, tidying constantly watching or playing something, and then wait for my partner to arrive home so i can make dinner. its been months now of the exact same routine. i used to be so exciting and spontaneous! do you ever wish you could just go meet new people? like minded people? it does make me laugh thinking of an agoraphobic meet up... although if anyone would like to chat, im always around
so now time to concentrate on myself. have a new start. im sure we have all had the intention of this a million times but trying again cant be a bad thing eh? i guess we will have to wait and see!
My legs gave out at the end of the day. As I lay completely flat on the floor, exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally... With a smile on my face, I muttered to myself, "I made it through."
Earlier that morning, I had the dread. That pit of the stomach ball of doom that makes me despise leaving my comfort to face every single fear my brain has told me to believe. A snow storm the night before, two presentations back to back in front of my highschool (2 hours of me talking ), a co-presenter who's rarely punctual, a drive through downtown at lunch rushhour with a snow storm to get to the other side of city (on time ha!), and then being the event coordinator for a 3 hour performance at a hospital, where 12 of clients are my responsibility, and finally facilitating a question and answer between healthcare professionals and clients with mental illness. Rush hour traffic home (my most dreaded activity - bumper to bumper and lane changing are my biggest driving anxieties!), and again, in a snow storm. Aah! I wanted to curl up in a ball, call in sick, fake a car crash in the snow, whatever I had to do to avoid.
What's the point in dreading the activities that I feel so great after doing? Why do I fear people hate me, think I'm stupid at every turn, or think I'm doing something wrong?
I decided to begin acceptance practice that day. I had to remind myself, "I know I will feel great for helping people today, for bringing awareness and educating, for empowering clients and building confidence, helping build relationships between community supports." The only way I could get to that, is if I went through. As Lao-Tzu said, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." And so, a single step I took. And no, not everything went as perfectly planned, but it all worked out, everyone was happy, students asked questions and health care professionals learned more compassion. I didn't have time to eat (and my anxiety made my stomach churn), I had a major migraine, and my legs gave out at the end of the day. If I had missed that process, if I had avoided it, called in sick, made the snowstorm seem worse than it was, I wouldn't have happiness. I had the best sleep that night.
The path to happiness is through. The best way out is always through.
I am a college student who has been affected by generalized anxiety disorder ever since I can remember. When I was about 8 years old, I went and saw a therapist who really helped me cope with my panic attacks and gave me techniques with how to know an attack was coming on and how to deal with it. Now that I am in college and surrounded by a lot of people my age, I am noticing how badly my anxiety is affecting my social life. In high school I was moderately outgoing and had a boyfriend and never really noticed my anxiety due to the fact that I felt comfortable around the people at my school because I have known them for the majority of my life. Now that I have started a new chapter in my life, I have a feeling of constant worry and my anxiety disorder is taking over my life. It keeps me from doing things that would be fun like going on date dashes and formals. I get anxiety when I know there is a social function coming up and when I know I am going to have to talk to new people and be put in a situation that is uncomfortable for me. And by knowing this, my disorder keeps me from going out of my comfort zone and makes me just want to stay home alone and watch movies by myself. I work really hard to overcome this struggle but it is just so exhausting at times and then when I do stay home for a few days I feel myself become depressed. Some days are better than others but I just really struggle with not being able to let go of my anxiety and not letting it interfere with my social life.
I joined AC not even a week ago, and I've already noticed a big shift.
Before last week, my most hated physical symptom of GAD was happening more and more frequently. I vomit. And don't stop. I work at a mental health organization where I will go to highschools and universities to present on mental illness and the myths and stigma associated. I'm also a yoga teacher once a week. So I do alot of public speaking, but I have been for the last 10 months, and so far I've been doing really well at managing symptoms. Until a few weeks ago. I have had to run out of classrooms, I've vomited in a teachers garbage can in front of her students, and I've left a yoga class half way through (luckily they were in svasana) to go and quickly vomit bile; among other examples.
In the last year, this symptom has come up once in a while, mostly in response to super anxiety provoking events (e.g. the morning of my wedding in the summer!), but would pass quickly with my coping tricks. Now, because I have vomited during my presentations, I have developed the anxiety that I will definitely puke during these events. This anxiety, being scared of vomiting, now ensures that I vomit, leading into the dreaded cycle we all know too well. In just 3 weeks I've gone to managing well, to not sleeping, not concentrating, calling in sick multiple times to work, panic attacks, and not to mention the appetite loss with the excessive vomiting. And depression, hopelessness... Why does this keep happening? How do I stop something so physical with my mind?
I knew I didn't want to go back to the place I was just over a year ago...I couldn't even get out of bed then, mostly due to the pain associated with the constant vomiting, but included 0 motivation, panic and depression. I reached out to multiple supports, but due to the busy nature of the holiday season, and that I seem to be managing well on the surface, I have been put off until 2016. So I looked for something, anything, anyone to talk to. Anyone that would understand. And I found AC.
Acceptance seems to be the theme that I've noticed around here, within posts and between people. It is the answer I've forgotten. It is the path I am now, and again, and always, on.
Thank you AC - I didn't vomit during my presentation today, and I couldn't be more ecstatic.
Next up - how to find, get, enjoy, give this thing called "acceptance"?
Hey guys. One thing that I always found helpful when I was struggling with panic attacks was to stop calling them panic attacks! I know it sounds silly but it actually makes a lot of sense when you think about it. What you’re going through is the fight or flight response, that’s it. If you’re telling yourself that you’re under attack, then of course you’re going to get nervous, that’s what the fight or flight response is for, for dealing with attacks and threats.
Instead, I used to think of them as an adrenaline rushes. A burst of energy that’s triggered because your subconscious mind is perceiving danger, even though there is none. I know it can sound silly but that wording has a huge effect on how you perceive your experience. After taking out the negative inference that the word attack brings, i changed my view of what I was experiencing. I told myself that people pay lots of money for this kind of rush. They jump of building, play extreme sports, chase tornados, whatever. The point is that once I took away a lot of the scariness of it, I actually learned to love that rush of juice and from that point on recovery came pretty quickly.
I hope that you guys found this useful. If you did, I keep a youtube channel where I share my advice and experience overcoming panic attacks. There are two main things that I focus on with my channel: specific, actionable advice that you can use in your day to day and creating hope that overcoming chronic panic attacks can be done. You’re welcome to check it out, there’s a link in my full bio or you can just google the words "youtube & vagabondster". It’s the first result. Feel free to leave me any questions in the comments, I usually respond pretty quickly. Best of luck!
Does anyone else get overwhelmingly lonely at night? I really envy people with a partner they can talk to and be intimate with. I dont do one-night stands, so intimacy is limited at the moment. I want someone i can trust and love in my life so bad.. The only boyfriend i've had broke up with me earlier this year, which has really ruined my self-worth and confidence.
Hey guys, I know its been some time since I posted anything. I'm sorry! Life has been kind of crazy. School has been really tough for me lately and I'm struggling to keep up. I'm feeling very discouraged right now and quite lonely as well. I don't feel comfortable talking with anyone. Not friends. Not family. So far no one in that area has been able to offer me helpful support. It is very difficult to open up to others because I don't ever feel like I'm being understood. People hear but they do not listen. I am starting to lose my confidence in myself. I fear that no one can truly love someone that is as broken as I am. Since no one understands, I'd much rather shut up about my feelings than try to explain them. It's a really defeating feeling. If anyone can relate or offer some support. I'd appreciate it.