January 2012. The past year has been eventful to say the least. Met some amazing people, had some bad times, some great times, some frustrating times but lots of laughs too. And now I find myself in charge of a site. Just how did that happen? lol It's never been my intention. I love to help people, in helping people, I help myself. I've said in the past, if it came down to it, I would be willing to do something. I guess I didn't really think it would happen, but here we are!
It's a shame that things didn't work out at the last site. I always tried my best to help it work, doing this was an attempt to make it work. No matter what people thought, my intentions were for the good of us all. To make a site where everyone felt able to come, to get support, to not feel alone and to have a bit of a laugh when it was needed. I took it upon myself to try to push to make it better there, it didn't work, maybe I was wrong, maybe it was meant to happen like this, idk. But it happened, it got out of my control, and now here we are.
One of the things that motivates me every day, and believe me I've been struggling with motivation a lot lately, is all the people I've met in the past year or so. How supporting each other has made such a huge difference. Looking after my paralyzed Mum is a daily struggle, I'm unhappy with that, I know I am. I don't want to have to do it, it's hard enough battling my anxieties but it is what it is. Having such amazing people to keep my spirits up, it keeps me plodding along. I want to thank you all, it means more than I can put into words.
I will give this site my all, we're in this together. It's for us, and we deserve it. xxx
Why should one make a blog?
There are a number of reasons to why making a blog is great, the advantages are:
1 - Relieves Stress
2 - Can help others
3 - Preach what YOU care about
4 - You have control
5 - It can actually turn into a business (like Cake Wrecks).
There are a couple of disadvantages though:
1- Research, can take up time and not always be correct, always double check.
2 - People may read what you see as light hearted chat as to be something mean and nasty.
3 - Trolls, yes they happen on blogs too.
4 - Websites go down
5 - Some blogging sites are difficult to use and puts people off.
Here at AC however it's easy peasy, and within reason you can blog about what you like, but please, if you blogs are hate, racist or too explicit, they will be deleted and information will be passed onto Admin who will then decide which action to take with your account.
Thanks for reading!
Over a month ago I finally let go of one of my biggest fears about losing my best friend and took the leap that brought him and I to the point we are now in a very happy relationship. I have known him quiet literally for 20 years and he has always been by my side and has seen my darker days and I have seen his. He knows when I am somewhere that could cause a problem before I say a word and with a simple touch reminds me I'm not alone and he will be there if I need him. We both know that no matter what we are facing we are no longer fighting it alone because there is nothing that the other one can face that scares us. We are completely in sync and are able to know how the other one is feeling or what they are thinking without saying anything.
3 days until Saturday and all the craziness takes place, family is coming into town and I am starting to feel surrounded. Everyday I wake up feeling like I have a 10 pound weight on my chest and I can't get rid of it. On top of all of this I am suffering for major migraines that makes it hard to do anything when its hard to see or even function. Even after all of this is over I just move on to trying to figure out what is causing my headaches and hoping it is an easy fix...
So my therapist recommended I see an additional doctor to talk about medication. It's frustrating. I logically know drugs can help. I'm just scared and it's most likely irrational, which just makes me angry.
I guess what it comes down to is I don't want to keep feeling stressed; i want to stop hiding in the bathroom, to stop procrastinating, being so absent-minded, to stop getting lost for hours in list making and organizing. At the same time, I don't want to lose me in the process. The other thought is what if it does change how my head works, but doesn't help me improve my life, like a lot of half-finished projects of mine.
Also, it feels like I should be able to handle things without, but I obviously have not done a very good job of it. I look back on life and have mostly regrets, so I'm jumping in the deep end.
3 more week then this event causing nightmares will be over. 3 more weeks and I can start focusing on everything else triggering my attacks. Just being in the church where the service is being held was hard since I don't believe in religion and there is no easy way out when I need it. What people view as empty I view as crowded and I am unable able to breath... and in 3 weeks the pews will be filled with close to 100 people versus the maybe 30 that are in there today...
So the other night my girlfriend and I got into a fight. It started when after a very aggravating/stressful night. My hormones were fluxuating. I barely made it to therapy on time do to train delays, Therapy delved into unpleasant territory. Train delays coming home held me up for two hours and I ended up walking the last couple stops. And someone was fraudulently making credit card purchases with my account.
So when I got home I got in my computer to try to deal with that. I was logged on and looking at my transaction history and she decided to look over my shoulder at everything. I asked her to give my some privacy and she got pissed saying that since we have been together for nine years I shouldn't mind. I said I did and that I never did that to her. Things continued until I was in tears from the stress.
This just made her more angry at me. Which pushed me over the edge into full blown anxiety attack. Which just kept her yelling at me to stop crying quit fracking it.
I eventually was able to get up and hide in the bathroom trying to calm down. This led to me thinking about numerous crazy doomsday scenarios of what would happen if we broke up.
I eventually calmed down enough to shower and talk to her more calmly. She said she thought i was playing up my problems to manipulate her, which I'm absolutely not and was horrified she would think that. Part of the problem is that I hid things mostly from her, though she apparently picked up on my bits of my OCD (list making, etc.) before I had come to terms with it and never mentioned it to me. I also hid other personal problems too, trying to take care of things myself. The other problem is that this last year my symptons, I thought I had under control, have started getting a lot worse, which is why I'm going to therapy.
I did my best to explain things and we were calm enough to go to bed. Yesterday was decent too, but I keep coming back to what she said and I don't know how to feel.
I have been trying to explain to my parents how bad my anxiety is and what it is doing to me all they keep saying I'll be fine or that once this is over it will stop.I keep telling them I have felt like this for years and that it's only heightened now. I am so tired of trying to get them to understand I almost wonder if they ever will. I wish I could just close my eyes and disappear and be on a beach away from everything and just watch the waves crash on the beach while my worries melt away. As this wedding gets closer and closer and I try to tell them what I'm thinking they just brush it off and tell me I'm over reacting. If only I could find away to stay home and work so i can avoid everything that does give me anxiety like being on the road.
Tonight I am driving my dad to a stag and there are no back roads to get there meaning I have to be on the main roads with so many other cars and drivers with the constant thought of an accident. I hate this feeling
Well this was kind of funny. Yesterday, I was asked to compile a bunch of materials for a client. Including a list of client data, so as i was working on this, it triggered my thing for lists and sorting. I started working on the list after lunch and ended up working two hours after i should have gone home, when my boss told me to go home. On the bright side, it can off as, "she is a really hard worker" and it was a pretty list, in-depth and had the data conveniently subdivided. Yep, I'm a dork.
It's funny I've always been rather eager to please, can be very talkative with those I feel comfortable around and have always enjoyed seeing people happy. At the same time I have always been quite awkward and have unintentionally made people want to not be around me, particularly when I get stuck on a topic and/or start being pedantic.
Still, at least I'm not as bad as I used to be and I do have a gf and a few connections that mean something. Most I just keep casual though, so I don't have to worry about things falling apart. Just something I think about now and again.
2 years ago my little sister got engaged and at the time I never thought I would be dreading the entire thing. I was happy for her and thought my own would be coming soon enough since at the time i had been with a man for 4 years and we were living together. then my anxiety started to creep in and things slowly started to fall apart and now just the thought of being around everyone makes my heart race and I feel like I'm going to shatter. I am at a terrible point where I realized all to late that I need help and there isn't a thing in this world that could help me get through. everyday on my way to work I hope that someone hits me with their car hard enough to put me in the hospital for a couple months, just so I don't have to go. Now no matter what I am thinking or feeling I won't tell my family because they don't understand, they don't see how the idea of being away from the nearest exit is terrifying. They don't see the subtle signs of something is coming for me and I need to run or that they can't touch me in an attempt to comfort me because I just might punch them.
I have been having a lot more bad days than good and just trying to do the day by day has turned into "can I get through this hour?". On top of all of this I can't even find the will to get up and go to work on a daily basis because I find no peace for my ever wandering mind.
So I was running late this morning. I had to sew something back together before wearing it. By the time I got to the train, the door closed in my face, just before I could get on. I was annoyed with myself and worried about arriving late. By the time I got off the later train, I was near panicking.
It turned out rather pointless as my one co-worker didn't care and the head of my department arrived later than myself.
I feel rather silly now. Have to love my head.
I'm so used to worrying about silly things and having panic attacks about things that may never even happen that sometimes I'm almost surprised when I have something legitimate to worry about. It's a different kind of fear when you know this is something that will have an impact on you or others, whether it be emotionally or financially. A actual problem that needs a solution, something you need to figure out, a constant nagging in your mind that won't go away until you resolve the issue. I can't say that either one is worse to me, just two sides of the same hated coin. One of the funnier things is when it is a real problem all the people who normally dismiss your fears are so understanding, they agree this is bad, you are vindicated. Something that you might appreciate any other time, but at that moment is a very cold comfort.
Feeling better than yesterday. Not much motivation has come back but I need to give it time.I have added a profile picture in an attempt to be a more open person, it's making me nervous, but I feel like I need too
It's funny it took me forever to post anything, but as soon as I started, I really unloaded. I never used to really talk about this.
Now that I am, I just feel the need to talk about everything. Sorry if it's excessive.
So today I received a bill for my student loans that I can't afford, (since they're private, there is no nogicating with them,) on top of that, a freelance video project was taken out of my hands. I'm at my other job now reading into every thing anyone says and scared people would prefer someone more competent and a brief flash of worring that I'm going to accidentally stab my eye with my recently sharpened pencil. I've been off all morning. Stomach churning and very antsy. The only thing I seem to be able to do to cope right now is write this and dig my fingernails into my skin. I hate feeling like this.
So I met with my therapist last night and she gave me her diagnoses, GAD and OCD. It's not surprising really. Still to have someone, said someone with a PHD, say it...
On the bright side to have someone who understands thses things might help me get on an even keel.That'd be nice.
My assignment this week, keep a journal to really figure out my triggers. Here's hoping.
So I have two jobs. My day job is working at an ad agency. I hate the job and the pay, but at least it's enough to pay the rent and my co-workers are nice. My other job is film and video work. This is what I was trained to do, ending up permanently in debt as a result. I'm still trying to get somewhere with it. Most of the gigs don't pay well, still the hope I might get somewhere and the gut wrenching fear of not being able to pay my student debt keep me going.
Recently, I've been editing some videos of an event. The videographer is a very nice guy, but pays poorly and has uninspired camera shots, which makes things hard to cut.
After finishing up the revisions, I was told the videos were on hold, so I sat on them and did a couple other jobs, including a music video. Last Thursday, I received an email that things were back on and was told to add title according to the company website instructions and template and given a due date of Sunday.
That night I had other work to do and also got into a fight with my girlfriend over my anxiety issues and working too much. I ended up going to bed at three.
Friday I went to my day job, which was thankfully a light day. Then there was a.work party that night, which while not mandatory is a good idea for the sake of working relationships. I got home around 9 that nignt, procrastinated a bit, then worked until 5 in the morning.
I slept until 3 in the afternoon, then did a bit of repair work on a desk I salvaged. After running out of glue sticks, I took a shot and went out. I picked up the wrong size sticks and few other things. Then stopped over at my brother's to led my nieces some.comics and a book. Then talked to my brother and stopped at the pub with him and his fiancee.
When I got home I had evey intention of.getting work done, but froze, getting worked up and ended up playing a video game until 4AM. It was even fun stuff, just making sure all the territories in the stratigy game had an even amount of development.
So then I got up Sunday morning and go .ready to go out to an event I was planning on attending for the last week. When I got home I was exhausted and fell asleep for an hour and a half.
I got up and got to work. It turned out the title template was incomplete and the title instructions were contradictory. Still, I did my best and finished up around 2, then set the computer to render the video. When it was done it turned out the video glitched, so I set it to go again and cleaned out my purse and crashed into an anxiety attack. I kept cleaning out the damn thing just to try to keep it together. By the time I calmed down, I reviewed the video and found it glitched. By that time, if was 4. I tried a Hale Mary and set things again, knowing that I'd probably have to reconvert the problematic files, but was too tired to do anything else.
So this morning unsupperisingly, the video glitched again. I emailed my explanation and the glitched video and got yelled at.
Now I haveto spend more time on this video, but also need to go to therapy after work.
So I tried talking to my girlfriend about things last night. I tend to get worked up very easily and get snappy when it comes to blunt critism and my gf, while very well meaning, is almost always extremely blunt. It didn't take long until I was in tears and trying to get her to stop, which just got her angry.
I think in part it is because she is very logical and likes to fix problems right away and she can't fix this.
Instead of going into another room, I kept talking and after almost hyperventilating, I was able to get more calm and somewhat better explain things, that included a bunch of things I've kept from her, such as when I was younger, going the self harm rout; my tendency to get tunnel vision when working on things; or the occasional runaway thought that ends up in ridiculous territory. Such as the time, before we were living together, that she was very late due to a train delay and I was half convinced she was either dead in an accident, or leaving me forever.
On the bright side, while we both were somewhat frazzled by the end of it, I did explain that I'm trying to cut back on work a bit and talking to my therapist about this. Also, we are going to try to shut things down when I start over reacting to critism and hopefully she'll be less blunt.
We'll see it this works. I'm hoping.
II learned an important lesson yesterday. I work multiple jobs, desk job during the day and I do video work at night and the weekends. I don't like working this much, but my day job is not a long-term prospect. Hopefully I can eventually get somewhere with the film and video thing to just do that full time.
The big issue with all this work is the lack of sleep. This is then compounded by my tendency to occasionally get worked up and procrastinate on a video job until there is no choice but to cut into my sleep time, or some nights I just can't get to bed.
To remain functional and awake at work I rely on my old friend caffeine. Back when I was in school years ago, I used to work on projects for a 12 hour stretch and go to class the next day. To get though the day I'd get a director's special, a cappuccino with eight shots of espresso. Trust me it'll keep you on your feet.
Partly out of nostalgia, I decided to get one to keep moving for what turned out to be a 19 hour day. Seeing the look on the barista's face when i gave her my order was kind.of funny.
While at the day job the caffeine kicked in and I got that wonderfully jittery buzz, which slowly crept into anxiety territory, then full anxiety attack. I ended up having to briskly walk to the bathroom, lock the door and just sit there until I calmed down.
Thankfully noone noticed me away from my desk. Still I lost time that I needed to get things done. I learned an important lesson and am going to keep the caffeen intake down a bit from now on. It's just annoying I can't handle things I used to. (Yeah I know noone should try to handle that much caffeine. I only rarely used to and I don't think I'll do that ever again.)
I've somehow managed to stay in the same relationship for almost 10 years. Recently my inability to handle stress has gotten worse and is really caused major problems.
I know she is trying to help, but it always seems to come out as critism. I am really bad at handling this and I get snappy. I don't mean too, but usually the critism is about something I am well aware of and it streeses me and the she keeps going on the same thing.
I don't want to be needy, but I really wish she could just hold me and tell me it's OK.
I love her more than anything and I don't want to weird her out, which is what is happening. She won't say it, just goes silent on me.
You never know what will trigger your anxiety.
A stray thought, something you've done in the past, something that might happen in the future, something you just did, or even nothing at all. That in itself can be stressful, it's like walking through a field of landmines one wrong step and a bomb will go off. You try to find ways to cope, you learn what your more common triggers are and take steps to avoid them. When that doesn't work you try to find ways to make it less severe. You just want to be able to find a way to step off that landmine without getting completely blown up in the process. Everyone has different ways to deal with it, medication, breathing exercises, physical exertion, etcetera it's just that sometimes these either don't work for whatever reason, or you're in a setting where you can't or simply don't feel comfortable doing it. For example I once felt a full blown panic attack coming on at work, my usual way to deal with anxiety is exercise I found a empty spot and started jogging in place. Of course someone came by a while later and when I explained the situation instead of understanding she just gave me a look like "okay weirdo". I was so embarrassed that I had to stop, I had managed to stave off the initial panic attack but instead ended up being anxious about that the rest of the day. I had avoided one landmine, only to step right on another one. The funny thing when you have anxiety if someone who doesn't know sees you in the middle of a panic attack they're usually all sympathy, "Are you all right?" Do you need any help?". If they catch you doing something that helps you not have them, if it seams strange to them you get judged. The field of landmines that is anxiety, anything can set it off and you never know where.
Feeling alone today. I'm thinking about disconnecting myself from social media because of the impact it has on me. I see all these pictures/posts of people being "normal" and I can't help but wish it was that easy for me to connect with others. I keep thinking there's something wrong with me. I worry that I'll always be alone. I worry that I won't find my place in this world. I hate that I am my own worst enemy.
Today was such a shit day. Actually this entire month has just been a train wreck. I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years, quit my job because people don't always get me(sounds so stupid), and to top it all off I lost my best friend to a car accident. Honestly the other stuff doesn't even matter compared to the emptiness i feel now that one of my best friends is gone. I visited his grave for the first time today which made me want to rip my heart out. I had a panic attack on the way to her funeral so I didn't end up going. It was to hard for me to comprehend that I could never hear his voice again, or see him smile, or hug him. Honestly there are times I wish I could trade places with him. It's not fair that such an amazing person had to leave this world. He would know how to make me smile. The worst part about all of this is that the last time I was supposed to see him I canceled because I was too f*****g nervous to leave my house. I hate myself for that. I hate myself for being this way because it stopped me from being with my best friend one last time. Today was a shit day.