January 2012. The past year has been eventful to say the least. Met some amazing people, had some bad times, some great times, some frustrating times but lots of laughs too. And now I find myself in charge of a site. Just how did that happen? lol It's never been my intention. I love to help people, in helping people, I help myself. I've said in the past, if it came down to it, I would be willing to do something. I guess I didn't really think it would happen, but here we are!
It's a shame th
Why should one make a blog?
There are a number of reasons to why making a blog is great, the advantages are:
1 - Relieves Stress
2 - Can help others
3 - Preach what YOU care about
4 - You have control
5 - It can actually turn into a business (like Cake Wrecks).
There are a couple of disadvantages though:
1- Research, can take up time and not always be correct, always double check.
2 - People may read what you see as light hearted chat as to be someth
Over a month ago I finally let go of one of my biggest fears about losing my best friend and took the leap that brought him and I to the point we are now in a very happy relationship. I have known him quiet literally for 20 years and he has always been by my side and has seen my darker days and I have seen his. He knows when I am somewhere that could cause a problem before I say a word and with a simple touch reminds me I'm not alone and he will be there if I need him. We both know that no matte
3 days until Saturday and all the craziness takes place, family is coming into town and I am starting to feel surrounded. Everyday I wake up feeling like I have a 10 pound weight on my chest and I can't get rid of it. On top of all of this I am suffering for major migraines that makes it hard to do anything when its hard to see or even function. Even after all of this is over I just move on to trying to figure out what is causing my headaches and hoping it is an easy fix...
So my therapist recommended I see an additional doctor to talk about medication. It's frustrating. I logically know drugs can help. I'm just scared and it's most likely irrational, which just makes me angry.
I guess what it comes down to is I don't want to keep feeling stressed; i want to stop hiding in the bathroom, to stop procrastinating, being so absent-minded, to stop getting lost for hours in list making and organizing. At the same time, I don't want to lose me in the process. The oth
3 more week then this event causing nightmares will be over. 3 more weeks and I can start focusing on everything else triggering my attacks. Just being in the church where the service is being held was hard since I don't believe in religion and there is no easy way out when I need it. What people view as empty I view as crowded and I am unable able to breath... and in 3 weeks the pews will be filled with close to 100 people versus the maybe 30 that are in there today...
So the other night my girlfriend and I got into a fight. It started when after a very aggravating/stressful night. My hormones were fluxuating. I barely made it to therapy on time do to train delays, Therapy delved into unpleasant territory. Train delays coming home held me up for two hours and I ended up walking the last couple stops. And someone was fraudulently making credit card purchases with my account.
So when I got home I got in my computer to try to deal with that. I was logged on
I have been trying to explain to my parents how bad my anxiety is and what it is doing to me all they keep saying I'll be fine or that once this is over it will stop.I keep telling them I have felt like this for years and that it's only heightened now. I am so tired of trying to get them to understand I almost wonder if they ever will. I wish I could just close my eyes and disappear and be on a beach away from everything and just watch the waves crash on the beach while my worries melt away. As
Well this was kind of funny. Yesterday, I was asked to compile a bunch of materials for a client. Including a list of client data, so as i was working on this, it triggered my thing for lists and sorting. I started working on the list after lunch and ended up working two hours after i should have gone home, when my boss told me to go home. On the bright side, it can off as, "she is a really hard worker" and it was a pretty list, in-depth and had the data conveniently subdivided. Yep, I'm a dork.
It's funny I've always been rather eager to please, can be very talkative with those I feel comfortable around and have always enjoyed seeing people happy. At the same time I have always been quite awkward and have unintentionally made people want to not be around me, particularly when I get stuck on a topic and/or start being pedantic.
Still, at least I'm not as bad as I used to be and I do have a gf and a few connections that mean something. Most I just keep casual though, so I don't have
2 years ago my little sister got engaged and at the time I never thought I would be dreading the entire thing. I was happy for her and thought my own would be coming soon enough since at the time i had been with a man for 4 years and we were living together. then my anxiety started to creep in and things slowly started to fall apart and now just the thought of being around everyone makes my heart race and I feel like I'm going to shatter. I am at a terrible point where I realized all to late tha
So I was running late this morning. I had to sew something back together before wearing it. By the time I got to the train, the door closed in my face, just before I could get on. I was annoyed with myself and worried about arriving late. By the time I got off the later train, I was near panicking.
It turned out rather pointless as my one co-worker didn't care and the head of my department arrived later than myself.
I feel rather silly now. Have to love my head.
I'm so used to worrying about silly things and having panic attacks about things that may never even happen that sometimes I'm almost surprised when I have something legitimate to worry about. It's a different kind of fear when you know this is something that will have an impact on you or others, whether it be emotionally or financially. A actual problem that needs a solution, something you need to figure out, a constant nagging in your mind that won't go away until you resolve the issue. I can'
Feeling better than yesterday. Not much motivation has come back but I need to give it time.I have added a profile picture in an attempt to be a more open person, it's making me nervous, but I feel like I need too
It's funny it took me forever to post anything, but as soon as I started, I really unloaded. I never used to really talk about this.
Now that I am, I just feel the need to talk about everything. Sorry if it's excessive.
So today I received a bill for my student loans that I can't afford, (since they're private, there is no nogicating with them,) on top of that, a freelance video project was taken out of my hands. I'm at my other job now reading into every thing anyone says and scared people would prefer someone more competent and a brief flash of worring that I'm going to accidentally stab my eye with my recently sharpened pencil. I've been off all morning. Stomach churning and very antsy. The only thing I seem
So I met with my therapist last night and she gave me her diagnoses, GAD and OCD. It's not surprising really. Still to have someone, said someone with a PHD, say it...
On the bright side to have someone who understands thses things might help me get on an even keel.That'd be nice.
My assignment this week, keep a journal to really figure out my triggers. Here's hoping.
So I have two jobs. My day job is working at an ad agency. I hate the job and the pay, but at least it's enough to pay the rent and my co-workers are nice. My other job is film and video work. This is what I was trained to do, ending up permanently in debt as a result. I'm still trying to get somewhere with it. Most of the gigs don't pay well, still the hope I might get somewhere and the gut wrenching fear of not being able to pay my student debt keep me going.
Recently, I've been editing s
So I tried talking to my girlfriend about things last night. I tend to get worked up very easily and get snappy when it comes to blunt critism and my gf, while very well meaning, is almost always extremely blunt. It didn't take long until I was in tears and trying to get her to stop, which just got her angry.
I think in part it is because she is very logical and likes to fix problems right away and she can't fix this.
Instead of going into another room, I kept talking and after almost
II learned an important lesson yesterday. I work multiple jobs, desk job during the day and I do video work at night and the weekends. I don't like working this much, but my day job is not a long-term prospect. Hopefully I can eventually get somewhere with the film and video thing to just do that full time.
The big issue with all this work is the lack of sleep. This is then compounded by my tendency to occasionally get worked up and procrastinate on a video job until there is no choice but
I've somehow managed to stay in the same relationship for almost 10 years. Recently my inability to handle stress has gotten worse and is really caused major problems.
I know she is trying to help, but it always seems to come out as critism. I am really bad at handling this and I get snappy. I don't mean too, but usually the critism is about something I am well aware of and it streeses me and the she keeps going on the same thing.
I don't want to be needy, but I really wish she could
You never know what will trigger your anxiety.
A stray thought, something you've done in the past, something that might happen in the future, something you just did, or even nothing at all. That in itself can be stressful, it's like walking through a field of landmines one wrong step and a bomb will go off. You try to find ways to cope, you learn what your more common triggers are and take steps to avoid them. When that doesn't work you try to find ways to make it less severe. You just want
Feeling alone today. I'm thinking about disconnecting myself from social media because of the impact it has on me. I see all these pictures/posts of people being "normal" and I can't help but wish it was that easy for me to connect with others. I keep thinking there's something wrong with me. I worry that I'll always be alone. I worry that I won't find my place in this world. I hate that I am my own worst enemy.
Today was such a shit day. Actually this entire month has just been a train wreck. I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years, quit my job because people don't always get me(sounds so stupid), and to top it all off I lost my best friend to a car accident. Honestly the other stuff doesn't even matter compared to the emptiness i feel now that one of my best friends is gone. I visited his grave for the first time today which made me want to rip my heart out. I had a panic attack on the way to her fune