Blogs

Featured Entries

  • MrsRoryFromRunrig

    Why Make A Blog?

    By MrsRoryFromRunrig

    Why should one make a blog? There are a number of reasons to why making a blog is great, the advantages are: 1 - Relieves Stress 2 - Can help others 3 - Preach what YOU care about 4 - You have control 5 - It can actually turn into a business (like Cake Wrecks). There are a couple of disadvantages though: 1- Research, can take up time and not always be correct, always double check. 2 - People may read what you see as light hearted chat as to be something mean and nasty. 3 - Trolls, yes they happen on blogs too. 4 - Websites go down 5 - Some blogging sites are difficult to use and puts people off. Here at AC however it's easy peasy, and within reason you can blog about what you like, but please, if you blogs are hate, racist or too explicit, they will be deleted and information will be passed onto Admin who will then decide which action to take with your account. Thanks for reading! Pamie
    • 0 comments
    • 613 views
  • Gilly

    So, here we are. And a big thank you!!

    By Gilly

    January 2012. The past year has been eventful to say the least. Met some amazing people, had some bad times, some great times, some frustrating times but lots of laughs too. And now I find myself in charge of a site. Just how did that happen? lol It's never been my intention. I love to help people, in helping people, I help myself. I've said in the past, if it came down to it, I would be willing to do something. I guess I didn't really think it would happen, but here we are! It's a shame that things didn't work out at the last site. I always tried my best to help it work, doing this was an attempt to make it work. No matter what people thought, my intentions were for the good of us all. To make a site where everyone felt able to come, to get support, to not feel alone and to have a bit of a laugh when it was needed. I took it upon myself to try to push to make it better there, it didn't work, maybe I was wrong, maybe it was meant to happen like this, idk. But it happened, it got out of my control, and now here we are. One of the things that motivates me every day, and believe me I've been struggling with motivation a lot lately, is all the people I've met in the past year or so. How supporting each other has made such a huge difference. Looking after my paralyzed Mum is a daily struggle, I'm unhappy with that, I know I am. I don't want to have to do it, it's hard enough battling my anxieties but it is what it is. Having such amazing people to keep my spirits up, it keeps me plodding along. I want to thank you all, it means more than I can put into words. I will give this site my all, we're in this together. It's for us, and we deserve it. xxx
    • 4 comments
    • 827 views
 

Making friends; I've never had any

Unfortune hit me when young and I was thrown away!  I did not get the life I had planned on!   Now, Im slowly coming back;  slowly learning how to come  back!  I never had any friends and no one in the family systems I was forced to live with; they were all bad people;  strangers!  The whole experience was a giant nightmare; everything!   .  Here I am now!  The kids I knew when young; I didnt really , know, I was never really accepted by anyone; but did not know it!  I was led on by a number of them!  so, I had no one!   And I know that now!  Now;  Im trying to work with God to re learn how to have friends and meet the right people!  When young, I tried to reach out;  con artists and fakes and frauds they turned out to be!  They still turn out to be like this if Im around some levels of new people!   .  Im in the recovery process;  they dont count!  iTs different with recovery people!  its more generalized!  
.  I was truly alone from the day I was born;  and lived in a dream world!  until everyday faded to death!   .  Now; I work with God for a new life;  write up what I want for my new life as if it is already happened!  and I have to do the same for people!  its all very hard!  all of this!  IM ok ; Im getting better!  the sun is shinning!~   This is much better then it used to be!  I have all lot of personal work to do;  in order to find people that would be interested in me!  I have to work with God on all of this!  its a scary deal for me;  I was around very bad people for a very long time!   .  I have talents or sensitivities never used;  intelligence never used!   .  The ability to do well in school;;  never used!  Ive been closed off to the world because of trauma!  I never expected that to happen!  and I was thrown away and done with!  and that left me at a place of complete mind erasing!  My mind could not take all the trauma and begin top erase itself;  to a point of amnesia!  I,  identity  disappeared!  Im now trying to learn how to wake up!   . I guess Ill pray about being around new people;  the right people that value me!  I hope I can understand who they are and what they are!  I hope this time the universe helps me to learn who Im dealing with;  I dont want the same kind of people like before;  this time I want them valuing me !  I would say the same thing for my future wife!  I see myself as old fashioned!  and thats how I always wanted it!  to be normal;  like an one in my neighborhood!  I know,  to stay away from opportunist and instead be around nice people!  God will have to show me those nice people!  

omnicell

omnicell

 

The feeling of cold marble

3 years ago my nephew died. He was two years old and it was the biggest shock my family has ever had to deal with.  And today he finally got the white marble headstone he deserves x I won’t go into a lot of detail but a lot of my family, including myself, went through counselling. It took four months for anyone to get round to seeing us, that’s just how long it takes apparently.  My mum, sister and brother (who’s child we lost) benefitted quite a bit, they felt they could vent and was being heard.  My counsellor was young, not much older then I was and I was 19 at the time. It seemed like to me she didn’t have any experience with bereavement counselling. I felt sorry for her, she seemed new. She did everything by the book and in the end tried to take me down a different path, she tried to treat me for my worrying. Worry therapy. I was full of sadness, rage, frustration and hopelessness. But she didn’t know how to help me.  And it was my fault really. I told her I had had one thought about killing myself and I had dismissed it because it wasn’t the road I wanted to go down, for myself and my family. We had all lost too much already. But every time she saw me it looked like she was glad I hadn’t topped myself and just focused on me filling out worry diaries.  I began to lie to her. Telling her everything was feeling better. I was feeling more optimistic. I thanked her for her help and didn’t return to her again.  I went to 6 sessions over 3 months. And because I pushed everything down it creeps up on me every now and then.  I get Day dreams were I live out the events of the night he died. I get the pain as if it was happening all over again.  I suppose I’ve shocked my nerves, I’ve shaken my core.  I threw myself in to living again, saying that everything I do now will be in the name of my nephew, so he can carry on living through me.  I went to university with the thought of him powering me forward. And I’m nearly at the end of that journey, I’m in my final year, I’m doing really well on my course. But still I get these attacks, visions and low moments.  I didn’t get the help I needed because I didn’t know how to get it and I was tired and weak.  But now is the time I suppose. Better late then never!  To My Nephew, I love you, I miss you, I live for you and I’ll see you again one day  Your loving auntie x

I’llbefineintheend

I’llbefineintheend

 

Doctors

I hate going to the doctors.  Not only do they bring out all sorts of anxiety symptons when I have to make an appointment and attend the appointment. I always leave feeling worse off then I did before I see them.  Now, I respect these people beyond anything in the world. They work around the clock. They save lives. They get little to no credit. And we expect them to fix us when we don’t even know what is going on ourselves. In that light, I love doctors and it’s why I force myself to see them.  I say I hate the doctors every opportunity I get for many reasons. I hate sitting in the waiting room. I hate calling up for an appointment. I hate sitting there explaining what’s wrong with me. Those are the bits I hate. I don’t hate the actual people. But there is one doctor who really screwed me over one time and I obviously haven’t gotten over that experience, he can go screw himself!  Anyway, my point is. When I talk to a doctor about physical symptons, If I’m ill or injured, they check me over, they tell me what it is and they help me.  The last three doctors I’ve been to I’ve tried to talk to them about my Anxiety. What I can do to help myself? And all three just said, keep calm and breathe into a paper bag.  Breathe into a paper bag? Keep calm? The frustration, the anger I feel now when I’m told to JUST do that is overwhelming.  I saw a doctor earlier this week who told me the same thing. I repeated my question in reaction to her answer, I said ‘Okay yeah, I’ll get a paper bag sure but what can I do to help myself?’ And she palmed me off with the paper bag, keep calm and maybe get a counsellor spiel.  I said thank you, happy new year and left the room in a hurry because the anger was boiling up inside me.  Deep down, I know it’s not their fault. They have so many patients every day, help people with so many different problems. They can’t help me in the ten minutes they have. Not with what I’ve got.  I am going to get counselling. I have looked up a place that might be able to help me. I am determined. But I feel scared for the people who don’t have the fire that I have inside me to get better, who will just breathe into a paper bag for their whole lives and not pursue anything beyond that bit of advice.  My anxiety scares me. But it also makes me angry because I don’t want it to stop me.  Anger feels like the water to quench the flame at the moment.  No paper bag for me. 

I’llbefineintheend

I’llbefineintheend

 

Zaps and Tingles

Leading up to an attack I’ve noticed some signs.  A few days before my chest will begin to get tight and I’ll get zaps. Which are what I can only describe as quick waves of anxiety that flush through my body that make my throat constrict, mouth go dry, catch my breath and quicken my heart. I actually get zaps nearly everyday and I never acknowledged them coz I didn’t think they were anything, just thought they were my body being weird!  Last week however I had a night time anxiety attack.  This last week I’ve been ill with Gastritis and being ill, which I’m learning, is a major trigger for me. Anything wrong with my body or out of the ordinary and my mind goes on a whirlwind of adventures. In two days I summarised that I could possibly: -Be pregnant -Have kidney failure -Have appendicitis  -Have a blood Clot  -Have stomach ulcers -Liver failure  -Kidney stones -Chest Infection -Thombosis Thats a lot to process when you just read it, right? Well all that was in my head and circulating for days!  So I’m lying in bed, my chest is tight and my stomach is in pain and all of a sudden my leg starts twitching and I get these Mega Zaps from head to toe which take my breath away. I get these right stabbing feelings in my left boob. And I feel like I’m dying, I’m terrified I’m having a stroke or MAYBE THE BLOOD CLOT IS IN MY HEART, MAYBE MY KIDNEYS HAVE SHUT DOWN, MAYBE MY APPENDIX HAS BURST!!  I keep as calm as I can. Panic makes things worse. We all know that. So I lay there and breathe. I hold my breath in as long as I can do I keep my Carbon Dioxide levels steady. But the Mega Zaps keep going. Now I’m crying too.  And as if by magic my boyfriend messages me asking about my day, I tell him what’s going on and he just lets me talk and I feel calm and my brain slowly gets distracted until I forget what was even happening.  I then fall asleep.  Phew! Over! But I wake the next morning on edge because where did it come from?  I am a third year uni student, I have a lot more on my plate then a lot of courses because my course needs me to be physically fit and mentally engaged constantly. I am looking for a house for next year. I am trying to keep on top of weight. I am trying to look after my family. I am trying to maintain long distance friendships.  And I refuse to believe this is causing me so much stress that I am paying for it in other ways. But that also might be the problem. Thoughts?  Today I emailed a counsellor, to try and get on top of this condition.  I want to be better, I refuse to live in this state. I want to beat this.  So here’s to the fight!  Peace Out, illbefineintheend x

I’llbefineintheend

I’llbefineintheend

 

The First Attack

So it all happened quite out of the blue! And it’s a bit complicated, so I’ll start from the very beginning. The summer of 2017 I developed hay fever, which is not uncommon, especially since it runs in my family. My bodies reaction to the hay fever included some asthma like symptons and I was told by doctors that I had Asthma as well. A shock, since I’d never suffered from it before.  So when summer was over I thought I would be fine, no more hay fever symptoms, no more Asthma because the hay fever season was over!  Oh how wrong I was. Beginning of November 2017 I start getting ‘Asthma’ symptons, a tight chest, hard to breathe etc. But the weather had changed, it had gotten very cold and I thought my long walks to uni had just let the cold air get to me.  4th of November arrives, it’s my first year anniversary with my boyfriend and I’m very excited. I get dressed at uni and meet him straight after and my chest gets really tight. We go for a drink and I relax and then we go to a restaurant and all manner of things start to happen.  I cant catch my breath. My heart is racing, my leg twitches, my face twitches, I’m cold and hot and I feel like I’m going to faint in the middle of the restaurant. I excuse myself to go to the bathroom and because I think it’s my asthma I take a few puffs on my inhaler. No good. I stare in the bathroom mirror and tell myself not to screw this up, it’s an important special day.  I go back to the table, my boyfriend is very concerned. Our starter comes and I can’t swallow. Everything is getting caught and waves of panic rush through me when I can’t swallow and I choke. I don’t understand what’s happening. My boyfriend asks if I want to go home. I say no but I really want to. I explain to him how I’m feeling and he holds my hand and tells me I’m shaking. I didn’t even notice that both my hands were trembling. He asks if I want to go home again, I say no.  Our main comes and I feel sick to my stomach. I can’t move. I can’t think. I can’t talk. My boyfriend looks terrified. But I manage to get out that he should eat, I want him to eat and then we can go. So he eats, flashing me concerned looks and I feel so much guilt, disappointment and fear running through me. I’m holding my necklace over my mouth and I just look down. A waiter comes over to ask if there’s anything wrong with my food and I don’t know what to say, so quietly I say I don’t feel well but don’t worry and she asks again coz she doesn’t hear me and I just want to cry. I repeat myself louder and she leaves. My boyfriend decides he’s finished his meal, even though I can see he has only eaten half and asks if I want to get some air. I say yes and he takes me outside, he gets stopped by one of the waiters asking if I need anything and I just rush outside. The cold air does nothing. I feel faint and sick and it’s not getting any better. My boyfriend comes out and I ask him to go pay and grab my things because I need to go home. He returns quick as a flash and helps me into my coat and then I start to cry and shake violently. He held me close and all I could get out of my mouth was that I was scared.  He whisked me onto a bus immediately and it was one that could either take us home or to the hospital. And he asked me a few times if I needed to go to the hospital. But I knew if I got home and got in my bed I would feel better, I just knew it.  So he took me home and did breathing exercises all the way back with me. And when we got back he comforted me until I calmed down and I cried again and explained how I had ruined our special day. He told me, it didn’t matter because everyday is special and he loved me more then anything.  So I had calmed down. And I had also realised in that evening how much of a wonderful person my boyfriend was. I don’t know what I would have done without his support through that ordeal.  So that’s the end right? NO So I wake up the next day and my chest is tight again, so I go up to the uni doctors, they are shut. I call my GP twelve times, no answer. So I sit on a wall and start google searching things like ‘asthma help?’ and I come across the number for Asthma UK, I call the charity number and get through to a very sympathic nurse who listens to all of my description of the night before and what I was feeling and proceeds to tell me that I need to go to A&E ASAP and get a stronger inhaler and steroids because my Asthma was putting me in the danger zone. So I hang up, cry and call my boyfriend, who THANK GOD had the day off, he meets me half way to the hospital and I see a Doctor called Juan.  Juan listens to my tale of woe and then looks me straight in the eye and says. You don’t have Asthma. He then checks me over to double check and looks at me again. You don’t have Asthma. So I stare at him back, begin to cry and say ‘Well what the hell happened to me then?’ And I wasn’t expecting what came out of his mouth next ‘You had a severe anxiety attack’.  He then went on to explain that my hay fever does give me asthma like symptoms but that’s all they are, they are asthma LIKE not actual asthma. And he was dumbfounded that 3 doctors had told me that I have Asthma when they have listened to my symptons and checked me over.  He couldn’t explain to me why I had had an anxiety attack the previous evening. He thinks it was brought on by the excitement I was feeling, mixed with the nerves of it being a big date, it being cold outside and warm inside etc etc. But I’d never had such a huge physical reaction before to anything like that before.  I asked him how I could help myself and he just said I needed to relax but more less just take a chill pill and ride it out because until I’m 26 and my brain stops developing then I’m more or less going to be on this rollercoaster of highs and lows I can’t control. Well Done Juan, tell the newly diagnosed anxiety patient that nothings in her control and she’ll just have to deal with it, shake her hand and tell her good luck.  So that was it. I left with my boyfriend who took me home, cooked for me and forced me to relax in front of the tv.  Now I think it’s important to disclose that I’m not a stranger to anxiety, like I get anxious in big crowds and I have claustrophobia and I’m a certified worry wort and I’m a good pals with ye old depression that likes to come visit a couple of times a year to let me know she’s still around. And my god, I’ve had my share of panic attacks, screaming and crying myself to sleep when my overactive vivid imagination runs a little bit too wild.  But a panic attack is nothing like an anxiety attack. Not in my experience. They feel totally different. Now I don’t know if my panic attacks have developed into anxiety attacks or if they will be separate experiences but Panic Attacks for me, come on when I’m alone, normally at night when I’m over thinking and it’s all personally and short lived and I’m fine, if a bit touchy the next day.  Anxiety Attacks creep up on me for a few days now and then bam! Doesn’t matter where I am or who I’m with, uncontrollable physical reactions that I can’t hide.  And it’s terrifying to be left to your own devices, you feel like a ticking bomb and you don’t know when you are going to go off next. Especially when all they tell you to do is Breathe into a paper bag.  I don’t know how to help myself but I plan to find out.  Thanks for reading, peace out! illbefineintheend x

I’llbefineintheend

I’llbefineintheend

 

Schooling

I completely missed out on all schooling!  From the day I was born; I was being marginalized and used!  exploited!  When in the first years of schooling;  nursery school,  first grade!  I had goals and plans!  I wanted to do great things!  I did not realize no one cared!  I thought I had support back then; I did not!  no one cared!  I was completely alone and didnt know it!   .  My schooling would start falling apart in the second grade;  I would have to take summer school in the second grade because of lack of work!  No one cared if I got my homework done!  I was 7 years old?;  I certainly knew nothing!  And this went on until the 5th grade, after this, Im destroyed and thrown away; a disposable child!  They had their fun up to the point I was about 9 or 10 years old;  then the keepers of this system split!   .  My schooling; I was never in the school system; I just showed up!  I never did home work accept a bit in the beginning!  later, I did home work but could not put much attention to it;  I was not being trained to do so; I had to deal with others things;  like lack of love!  now, looking back;  it makes me want to get sick;  these people you call  ( parents);  acted like nothing was wrong while they were purposely making sure I and others did not develop!  These people were in their 40's;  They new better!  They were just using us!   .  My schooling completely died by the age of 10 or 11,  and never came back!  My college years were as bad!  I was like an old man because of the trauma of my nervous system!  I did not know what I was doing in school;  I was full of rage and hatred and could not think strait concerning all that had happened to me!  I could not be in college;  I tried over n over n over!  I should have been in a nut house!  it was ridiculous!   .  In college,  I was simply hiding from everything and my pain with no direction!  I would go then flunk out and go and flunk out and go and flunk out!  I did not know what was wrong with me!  trauma was the problem!  traumatic shock and developmental trauma disorder or CPTSD!  Long term PTSD!  I should have been in a nut house, but no one cared!  it was a joke!  I tried to do what others did!  I kept flunking out and dropping out!  I never did use my intelligence it was imbedded deeply in me;  I could not access it because I had no interest in the things the college system was offering because I had no direction and no leaning from grade school or junior high or high school;;  the only thing I got from those places;  massive bulling!  I was labeled a worthless trouble maker by the school system if they could get away with it!  I had no grades and almost didnt make it out of high school;  it was unbelievable!  This was from neglect!   .  The schooling situation was for hiding from reality;  if only i could start at another school then maybe everything in my life would look and feel normal and Id be on my way! but it never happened!  Id go to a new place and the same problems!  Id end up with horrible grades,  dropping out and spending most of my time hiding in the library from the outside world for relief!  I did this at 5 or 6 different schools!  I would drop out and hide in someone basement; a relative!  I did this  until i was 27 years old!  I was so fucked up by that point from burnout and PTSD I could no longer function!  finally at the last school i was at!  i could no longer function coherently;  I could not write anymore or talk anymore or relate to the human experience anymore; I was shutting down from dissociative disorder!  and it will get worse!  Im about 30 years old by this time!  a complete state of hopelessness,  lost and confession and a complete strange waist of life!  I was like an 8 year old inside the could not face the outside world; I could only face those things up to about the emotional level of an 8 year old!   or 5 year old or 3 year old!  . --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Laziness;   and what to do about it!   . Laziness comes from hopelessness!  I am overwhelmed with whats in front of me and my thoughts are all doomed thoughts of me as victim;  whats the point;  why bother!   .  So,  I have my work cut out for me!   Staying in my own little world and space keeps me safe from the terrifying world outside, but it also blocks me from having a life!  .  My goal is to work with God aligning short term goals;  these are appropriate goals to assist with blocking laziness before it can block me and take over!   For this to happen; I have to be in contact with source energy universe God/Jesus!   .  imagine your in a circle with candle about 3 feet out from you in all directions;  completing a circle!  My goals are the same;  first I get short term goals and then I align them with source energy;  and go do them I guess.  .  give them to God and let God bring them to me!  and wait on God and stay out of it;  thats the most important part I have to learn. I have short term goals;  stay out of them; do not blindly seek them or start them;.    I have to be able to define them and take action toward them with Gods help!  its the training I'm interested. . ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- . The recovery process; So, Ive officially made it to a point of where I used to be when younger!   I was alone and thrown away!  but my symptoms of mental illness had not kicked in to a point of 110% disability! I was on my way; about 70% disability!  Actually 100%,  but I had to function some how;  finally I gave out!   .  Now, after years of recovery work;  Im back to where I was at in college!  thats not a good place; but much better then its been!  I was  completely insane for a long long time;  Im slowly coming out of those systems;  but to the level before I found recovery!  Actually Im worse then before I came into recovery!  However,  Im think Im making my point!   .  So,  now what!  I have a nervous system prone to breaking down; its aways on red alert from long term PTSD/developmental trauma disorder!  CPTSD.  Avoidance;  dissociative disorder! . The point is;  Im not longer interested in the past stories;  the goal today is to work through the PTSd on a daily basis and create a new story for my future and for right now; and for an hour from now and a week from now and a month from now and 6 months from now and a year from now and 5 years from;   10 years from now!  Work on this stuff!   . I have a lot of work to do on myself to come out of my past or memory system!   . The goal is to understand that my nervous system is broken and ruptured;  its on PTSD red alert all the time; always being triggered!  Its hard to function at anything!  The goal is to not care about this story and go do what I want to do anyway or I like to do!  However, their is a wall of shame and pain and hatred and anxiety and fear Associated with doing what I want to do; it takes me back into childhood and I relive everything!  so, I have to pick things I really like or feel good about;  and learn what it is that I really like and feel good about .   What makes me feel good;  focus on that!  

omnicell

omnicell

 

Dealing with idiots and other things

At times;  I have to remember;  Im in the recovery process; and as long as Im in this recovery process; Im dealing with  Immature people!  These are people that think they can get away with using me!  They simply think Im a loser who they have contempt for!  They think they are better or superior and yet play a manipulation charm roll with me!  They have nothing but contempt using others to make themselves feel superior!  unfortunately,  I feel I need the recovery places!  If I interact with these people,  I get shot down!  ITs as simple as that!  they will attempt to put me down in every way they can if I let them;  This means;  allow them!  They are stupid!  its that simple!  So,  at times,  they are friendly and I suppose I can walk up to them and be friendly!  I cant!  Just because they are friendly with each other;  doesn't mean they've invited me into the conversation!   They are part off the normal-ite classes!  I am from the trauma class!  I forget their view of me at times; its not good,  They dont know who they are talking to!  The problem is; Im talking to them; Im to friendly with them!  thats the problem!  The biggest problem is desperation for people to talk to!  I get desperate and lonely!  so I reach out to the people around me!  big mistake!  they are rude!  The best thing I can do is leave them be; they are stupid people!  They can see nothing in me!  and dont care!  They have their needs met and feel superior to start with;  I will say this again; they think; from the beginning that they are superior; and this is based on?; nothing!  They have no idea who they are talking to when their talking with me!  I have symptoms of problems;  and its these symptoms their talking to!  However, its more shallow then that!  They dont care either way!  The problem is when I attempt to interact with them!  They dont care!  I mean nothing to them;  they never needed me to have a face or personality in the first place!  However, for me,  their so open and friendly,  they seem to open; I can walk up to them and talk with them!  Wrong!  They want to play act this superior roll; so,  they will talk to me if they get to play this roll;  It has nothing to do with honoring me!  They could careless!  They are friendly and open, and if I play the subordinate roll; everything is fine!  ITs so stupid, its dangerous!  Dangerous to my mental health; its almost exploitation and mental abuse!  I have to write about it and work on it!  They charm and sweat talk as if its really working; its kind off sickening!  and its a sign their is no respect here for anything; just these people using others and attempting to use me the same way as if Im letting them and Im a fool!  The truth is; I have to go somewhere;  anywhere for human attention!  And I trust and work with my higher power!  and thats  what Im suppose to do!   .  Whats got me bothered is how gullible I am!  or lonely or desperate;  thats a better word for it;  desperation!   I know;  looking back on it!  the way I presented myself to these people;  the fist day I met them!  they probably see me as the same person the first day they met me!  Ive changed; but they dont notice or care because they never noticed or cared in the first place!  I needed them more then they will ever need me!~  They are simply looking at me as a stranger they could care less about; and nothing has changed!  they are stupid and dont know anything!  The problem is; Im stupid for associating with them and then bitching about it later!  I knew what they were, I got another bite on the neck from them;  Im learning!  They are the big top circus ring leaders and Im a nabob!  I have no social status with them because they never suggested they were going to give me any in the first place!   I make the mistake of thinking I'm in a social situation;  Im not in a safe one!  Is easy to relax and think everyone loves me or is thinking about me!  they are not!  I have to keep working with God on all fronts to get me to the right people and away from the wrong people!  its up too me!  A gap resides where Im at and where I want to be!  I dont continue to be around people that do not treat me with the respect I deserve!   .  As I mentioned before!  If I take the blame off these people and look at the situation; Im desperate to be around people that recognize me!  my talents, intelligence!  They are not it!  They are really open; but not for the higher level me;  they would never consider me an equal!  And thats a danger sign!  a serious danger sign!   .   .  I have to keep working with God on this stuff!  and wake up!   . ------------------------------ I have to remember;  I was going to die before by s****de;  I would be permanently disabled by dissociative disorder and I would be de mobilized by resentments and hate and sadness and guilt and remorse and how my life was ruined and thrown away!  But that is changing!  and now I must deal with the fear of that change!  Or,  take it to God and work with God on all things and look at what I want and look at restoration of my life!  That is the hardest hit subject!  I have allot of PTSD that clouds everything; puts up walls on everything that I can see anything;  I cant see beyond the false impressions shoved into the backdrops of my mind!  Its like climbing a slippery walls!  I must work with God for a solution!   .  Im sick of being around these filthy fucking people Im around;  not that the good ones are bad; but the bad ones are!  ITs not really correct to say all people are bad or even any bad;  Im suggesting Im in the wrong place; thats a better way of looking at it!  Im tired of being forced into no choices for my life.  I need to be a specific places to grow!  and I have to decide what Im looking for!   .  Intimacy is a huge problem; dating is almost impossible!  Im to scared!  But Im not scared of attraction,  Im afraid of dating the wrong people and getting relational aggressive attacks against me!  As for women;  it seems their are allot of women that hate men!  I dont want to date them!  I want the ones that dont hate men; because of my lack of money; Im afraid m only going to be able to attract the low lifes-;/  or thats my excuse!  and then theirs my hate!  but that hatred is for the arrogant!  I dont hate the upper middle class;  I guess/,  I fear them;  Ive seen what they can do; I despise them;  Ive seen what their like;  2 faced!  I hate that their ever around me; they live off of other people;  their opportunists at the expense of the poor!  I knew some of them when young; the privileged classes!  I made the mistake of becoming friends with them;  they were no friends of mine; especially when they found out I was not one of them;  then I was shunned and destroyed out of existence!  where they better;  no;  they were rich!  Their is a kind of affluence with it!   Looking back;  Im sad I ever met that filth!  any of it!  Personally,  I dont care;  meaning, I despise these people but would rather spend my day thinking of better things;  I wish I had had a different life then it wouldn't matter!  I had no place to go;  I ended up where ever I could to survive!  I didnt know who they were!  I didnt know they were evil!   I didnt know what I was getting myself into!  I dont have to be around those kinds of people anymore!   .  Women;  I dont want uppity grandiose upper middle class American style women that think everyone owes them something!  I dont want those kind of people around me!  I guess I have to stop wanting to attract them and decide what Im looking for!  Unfortunately;  Im wanting to change them!  Turn them around into something good!  But that aint the right direction!  The direction is to get over my resentments about the past and look at what I do want; the kind of women I want around me!  the style, the kindness and calmness!  The normalness;  the down to earth type of person!  In order for this to happen; I have to get rid of the deep hatred and anger of the past of what happened to me!   .  I dont have any problem with the upper middle class or upper middle class women; as long as I stop thinking about them and not have them associate with me; everything is fine!  I mean; As long as they are not who I have to date; Im fine!  But who is left!  I wont attract anyone else!  I feel stuck, like a fish out of water!  I come from a specific background and Im not sure how or who to date;  who am I looking for!  I have to go to the core of this and start writing about it!  Who or what am I looking for!  I was looking for upper middle class broken women?  that does not sound very good to me;  I dont wont those kind of women within a hundred miles of me!  But their is something about their success I want!    Yes;  but I have to get rid of that way of thinking!  I dont need them; Im not a 4 or 5 or 6 year old child that has to be around them!  I can work with God and become who I am suppose to become!  and decide the kind of women Im looking for!   .  What kind of women am I looking for!  down to earth; but can I protect a down to earth women!  I dont know what I can do in this society!  Im on the outskirts!  I dont have anything or any personal pull or power in society!  I have nothing out here!  Im going to take this to God to work on!  Im stuck in society;  can't go one way or the other!   .  What do I want!  and I have to believe in it!  thats what Im working on!  and put God out in front!   .  Ive wanted women to save me!  protect me?;  that sounds kind of funny!  But the child in me wants to be protected!  I have to become more of a man!  I have to get rid of the past!   . . Having to wake up in my situation is hard to do!  I dont know what to do!  Im in a situation;  Im on state financing and live in a little town for reasons of recovery and nothing else!  its not much of a  life!  in fact; theirs no life;  nothing!  Im surrounded by people in the recovery process; at times it feels like a train station!  Your sitting their;  people are coming and going and thats about it!  you dont know anyone;  they just come and go and walk by you!  you dont reach out to most ! and most dont care!  you are not connected to anything or the anything in the world;  that connection is to immature;  to big a gap!   .  The interesting thing for me; I didnt kill myself!  Im not planning on it!  I was;  for most of my life!  and Ive seen others end up that way!  many of them!   .  Dealing with anything in the outside world is to much for me!  Im relying on the laws of attracting what I want!  thats a start!  But I feel like a little kid that has been thrown away for good and that is what happened!  Im the one who chooses life;  no one else cared if I was dead or alive!   . Women and friends and waking up; Im not sure what to think!  I would like to be around other people that appriciate me!    I would like to be around people I can trust and that dont play games!  Im not chasing;  Im n to in the mood.   .  Im not chasing!  I would like to be around people I can understand that dont play games!  So, I have to feel good enough about myself to be around these people!  I have an unbelievable belief that people are not on my side!  And I have to change this!  I hate that I have to change this!  its hard to be in charge because I then have to take the chance!  I dont like it!  Im working with source energy for help!  and I have to stay out of it and learn how to be happy again so I wont expect it from anyone else!  its all hard!  I dont like it!  

omnicell

omnicell

 

Women

A journey and a gap reside between me and women and the adolescent time period and my father and bullies!  They are all rapped into this!  One after the other controlling me before I get a chance to grow and develop!  I never get a chance to become myself!  Its hard felt,  all of this because Im being thrown away at this point when Im young and I dont know it!  but the people Im living with know it and know what their doing and they've planned it this way!   Im so naive during this period I actually dont know what they are doing;  Im still innocent enough to go back to them because I dont know the sinister intent of their goals!  I had absolutely no idea I was being exploited and thrown away!  It happened right under my lack of awareness!  but I was a child and could do nothing about it!  Just as bulling happened when I was underage and did not know what to do about it!  I was in shock from being thrown away and my life was for ever changed within an instant!  I was complete thrown away with no provisions on what to do!  It matter not who I lived with;  they didnt want me!  and they had all of that planned!  My mother moved away as fast as possible to the other side of the state and found other men and families to get involved with!  She was not planning of seeing me again!  However,  legally she had no choice!  But it would have been better for me if I had never gone that direction!  probably would have been better that I be on the streets!  but I did not know about the streets or anything else!  I knew nothing!  I was 10 years old!~    My father was gone; he has been a fraud!  He was using my mothers money!  Thats the only reason he was their;  thats the only reason I knew him!  when the money stopped; he was gone!  He had lived off my mother pretending to look successful,  buying snowmobiles, skiing,  buying trucks and going on vacations!  He was trying to look or act like the family man to other rich people in the community!  In reality,  He was a narcissistic sociopath/  potential serial rapist!  He got into trouble concerning young women several times after he left!  In one case,  a ****d trial was brought against him;  he was a prettier and a thief!  No conscious!   The most important aspect for me;  they got rid of me when I was 10 because I was getting to old!  They had their fun with little children;  They got to play the adult role with children!  and then get rid of them once they get to old!  and that was that!  no conscious!  I was being exploited the whole time!  The whole time; from the beginning!   .  I have massive problems after the age of 8!  The world comes in and destroys me, pulling my life out from underneath me!  I am ripped to pieces,  torn to pieces, and trampled underfoot and  I have to watch this day after day,  happening to me;  my life being destroyed, and I can do nothing about it!  and no one cares!  and Im in a state of confusion and shock, while bullies are allowed to dismantle me on a daily basis in the school system;  My schooling completely utterly destroyed!  No one cares!  Only the middle class kids get to go to school and learn something because their money and their families protect them!  I had neither!  I was a sitting duck!  And if I ended up dead from s****de, and I probably would;  no one would have lifted an eye brow!  Nothing;  Zero!   .  I am now suppose to have enough self esteem and courage and lack of fear of this same world that killed me;  Im now suppose to go back into it?  really!  So, the goal is to head back into those years and take God, stay out of it; create a new life on paper;  a safe life,  thank the universe as if its already happened and go fourth working with God and allowing God to bring me what I need and what I want that will work!  I have to be grateful and stay out of it!  I have to be in alignment of it and work with God first on this alignment;  when God and I are seeing the same path in unison; things can get done!  Thoughts turn to things!   .  Im trying to get new thoughts in place of the old!  New thoughts for a new life!  Its very hard;  Im willing to do this!  and the lessons I learn bring me closer to the willingness to do this!  its all about a change of attitude!  That change of attitude about things is what Im really looking for;  looking to work for!  .  

omnicell

omnicell

 

The past; bullying and schooling

In my past;  I was completely wiped out as a human being!  actually totally destroyed!  When I came back or had to leave or left a bad situation where I was not wanted;  I was living with a group of people; a family I was not wanted in!  I had been a throw away long before this and had to leave!  I was in more shock and more shock and more shock!  I had always gone through bulling since young!  but it really hit about the 6th grade!  Thats when it started to show up!    .  When I was in the 7th grade I started getting bulling by a specific person that bullied everyone!  I was so regretful that I allowed it to go on!  I did not know what to do and had no place to turn!  I did not know what to do!  later,  after 2 years,  I left that area for a new area;  I stayed at that new area for 2 or 3 years,  getting nowhere,  I was bullied again with no human direction and I wasn't wanted!  I had no place to go!  no home; my home had been sold out from underneath me!  So, I had no place to go!  no home, no town; nothing!  I was given away long ago!  When I returned to this town, where I had no home; I had to live with people I thought were my friends!  In reality,  they had been fair weather friends!  They were never my friends!  probably no ones friends; ever; they just used people and never told you!   .  I lived with these people; fake friends!  in shock; I was stuck their and didn't understand; they had never been my friends and I meant nothing to them!     They were never my friends!  I happened to live in the area,  so I would visit!  and thats all it was!  nothing more!  I didn't know this!  I thought they liked me or appreciated me or accepted me or valued me!  In reality, I meant nothing!  I was just someone hanging out at their house; I was a stranger!   .  When I went to school,  I was a senior in high school;  the same bully was waiting for me that I saw in the 7th grade and it started right up as if it had never stopped!  I was simply stunned and in shock!  and I could not nothing about it!  All of this left me paralyzed in shock and could not function!  I could not get involved in anything;  my schooling was destroyed!  it had already been destroyed!  .  So;  I was shut out of everything!  I got nowhere;  just became more dissociative!  These people I was living with,  they finally kicked me out saying I was no good worthless drifter; good for nothing scum filth!  They said I was just living off them and wanted me out!  I was stunned and heart broken and totally confused!   Later,  I would not be so confused!  I would understand what I was actually dealing with!  This was not about me!   Ive found that the facts of a situation reveal the truth!  and the truth was;  I was not the only one complaining about these people; the people I lived with!   .  As for schooling!  It was all destroyed!  I had no home;  I had nothing!  No one cared about me or what happened to me;  I was a throw away!   It was not my fault!  if I was dead or alive,  no one cared!  no one cared if they ever saw me again!  This was based on the family system I came from;  nothing more!  It had nothing to do with my worth as a person!  My worth as a person had no value to anyone!  They based things on family money,  nothing more!   .  The problem with the schooling situation;  I could not do anything about it!  nothing!  I could do nothing about anything!  I was so full of long term PTSD that I could do nothing!  And I didn't realize I had no friends;  no one!  I was all alone,  over n over n over!   .  Now; Im attempting to fix all this!  and  don't know how!  Im working with God to try to face this bully and this schooling problem of the past!  I don't know what to do!  I have to work with God; Im still traumatized by it!   . Im looking to open this part of my life up and attempt to clean it out and heal from it;  if I can face this humiliation!  

omnicell

omnicell

 

Minimalism

So, last spring I decided to try something new. The junk in my drawers mixed with loads of leftover stuff from my childhood started to get a but too much. I thought about it all the time and then I started to look into minimalism. I thought it would be a hard and anxious process sorting and giving everything away, but it was actually pretty liberating. I guess part of that is a feeling of control, but letting go of all the obligations I felt to my stuff really opened up my life. Now I can have a lot less storage space and it helps me get ready in the morning even better because I don't have to try anything on to see if it fits. Another thing I found out is that there are really no set rules to being minimalist. It's all about what makes you happy. Want to keep your photo collage? Great. Like that watch? Keep it. Don't like that sweater, give it away. Simple. I have a large collection of hair scrunchies because my hair is a very unruly curly fluff most days and I like the choice, so I kept that. I don't have to feel guilty about it at all.  In the past 5 months, I haven't felt any regret. It's helped with my anxiety a lot and I can focus on things I actually need to instead of spending all day tidying my room or trying to find something in a drawer full of empty markers. If you're thinking about it, I'd say go for it. If you're on the fence, sort through your stuff and keep the stuff you're iffy about in a bag for a couple weeks. If you don't take anything out of the bag, then you probably don't want it anyway and it can help to get rid of some of the excess in your life.  Have you tried minimalism or anything cool that's helped you? Let me know

emzi

emzi

 

Update

Well, it's been a while. Nice to start typing again even if I'm not sure who will read it. I hate to do all these entries when I'm not doing well but it's those times I need to the most. Finals are coming up pretty fast now. I thought I was ok with everything but for some reason it's starting to creep in again. Quite a few times in the last couple weeks I've been too anxious to drive and I've had to ask for a lot of help which I hate. Plus, help has always been unreliable for me. Often people close to me will say they'll help or they'll do something and then they just don't. I guess I hate trusting people to help me. Then there's the anger again. I don't want to process what happened to me. I don't even know fully what happened to me. If it was who I think it was I still him every family gathering. If it was who I think it was why didn't anyone warn me, and why did they trust him? Then there's the other thing. I hope to god that was the thing that traumatized me, because if it was then I know and I don't have to think about someone in my family who I trust violating me that way. Then just anger at the world. Anger about why. Anger at my skin, and my brain and my heart. I guess when you bottle all that up for so long it really makes a mess when you start to pour it out. It's tough, but I just have to keep pushing through it all. Once I get through finals and my boyfriend is back I can feel relatively normal again. I can forget some more and be happy.

emzi

emzi

 

Getting hooked into memories; things are making sense

Im starting to understand!  Im in the same area I grew up in!  I understand why God brought me here!  I was abandon out of this neighborhood at a very young age and never knew it was coming!  the people who did this;  they knew!  Now,  after much recovery work;  Im coming back onto my own!  I lived in the neighborhood and I was destroyed out it!  To go back into it is unbelievable!  I was and am erased from ever being their; this was my family home!  my only known way of life!  Now, Im able to walk around in it; even go by my old family home!  It was stolen from me;  its not the houses fault or mine or the structures in the neighborhood;  only the people who live in it!  and its not all of them!  unfortlentatly, many of the ones I knew!  and still not their fault!  I was in their neighborhood legally;  you might say!  Yet,  legally;  from the states point of view;  morally; no!  I should have never been their;  it was a front!  a couple of psychopaths bought another house they would live in for a few years for their own reason or entertainment and suddenly split up or leave,  looking for more adventure somewhere else!  I had no understanding of this or warning!  No one cared or talked to ever again about it!  But then,  that family system was abruptly gone at that point!  I was erased as if I had never been born!  It was all faked!  I had fake neighbors!  I had fake friends!  fake relatives!  nothing was real!   .  Im almost able to walk in front of my old home and see it as scare tissue of a troubled time that is healing!  The greatness of this!  Ive basically survived it!  I may be the only out of a larger group of people!  Im basically coming back to self and able to handle these trauma past experiences and start over.  Im able to deal with people again, want a normal life again and walk down the same block of my old house and see it and see me and laugh; and say  " we survived,  this house and I"!  Im still here, and my identity is in tact!  all tho nothing else remains!  its all a brutally horrible sad terror based sickening story of a form of brutally horrible horrendous child abuse!  Specific kinds of specific natures!  Ive had to deal with allot of shallow people, put up with them, get along with them, in order to work through my issues!  i will feel great when I no longer have to!   .  Im not back yet!  Ive got another hurdle of problems; of, out of control PTSD still running through my brain!  The goal is to be present and love myself! 

omnicell

omnicell

 

Women

Women;  getting close,  approaching,  talking,  interacting!  I already know what the answer is;  but then it leads back to my apartment and my personal life!  And Im going to have to work on that as well;  and that really freaks me out!   And meeting new women really freaks me out!  I dont feel good enough; and I have to do something about it!  Im an intelligent man with an education;  I went nuts,  they put me on social security disability, as they should have!  Im getting better,  Im lucky to be alive!  but Ive always used that as an excuse not to move forward in my life or meet women!  Im scared!   .  The only real relationship I ever had;  feeling wise;  my first love!  I never did anything with her; I was 2 chicken!  Any other women after that dont count!  non of them;  they were a blur of confusion while I was mentally ill!  I put up with some worthless hags!   .   I dont want anymore worthless hags!  Ive got to raise the bar a bit;  and thats my responsibility.   I have allot of social situations that cause terror and fear and anger and rage and confusion!  When I stop and really look at them; Im freaked out in my imagination first!  I dont see good things in my imagination;  its all negative first!  so that is where it has to change! 

omnicell

omnicell

 

Learning how to stand up for myself and what I believe

The next big move for me is to rid myself of the bullies of the past!  When I was a kid;  I watched TV; it was all I had!  In the Tv shows;  you never saw the bullies!  You saw kids going to school and coming home!  But in real life, with no more father;  no protection, no more family,. completely alone!  Bullies come out from everywhere,  their like sharks and your a piece of meat in the water!  they find you, no matter what neighborhood your in!  You cant go out freely and play or be apart of things!  More importantly, at the school level, I was bullied all the time;  I was traumatized to the point, I could not function in school, nor do I remember any classes!  What kind of country allows this!   .  The point;  I have faces of those bullies up close to me controlling me without my permission; and they are doing it all the time;  pure control,  like kidnapping or hostage taking!  Or being captured,  when your suppose to be in a junior high class or 6th grade class or high school class!  When I moved back to my home town in my senior year of high school!  I was stopped dead in my tracks by the same bullies who bullied me in 7th grade!  Nothing has changed!  and I was controlled and bullied in the classes in school!  same thing!  It was ridiculous!  I had no idea this was going to be my future!  it was horrible!  and worse then this!   .  I have to face these experiences and work through them; but I see the bullies faces up close and personal and they controlled my movements, what way I walked,  directions,  I ws being controlled like I was under the control of the enemy!  All of this was occurring because I had no father at home, no home to protect me!  IF you have no home; your ruined!  Theirs no way out!  Your taken over immidialaty!  I know why children kill themselves because of this stuff!  its the free roaming of criminal based sociopaths on school grounds; thats all it is;  indirect government intimidation of the people;  another form of humiliating the general citizen in their country;  its scare tactics to keep the people down so they dont rebel and start a civil war!   .  I had civil war started against me by my own people in my own country!   .  So,  what do I do!  how do I get these faces out of my mind and my face and my eyes and memories that haunt me!  This is the next thing to work on and be free off;  and I believe it can be done!  One reason it was so horrible is that the bullies indicated my father was no more;  he was no more ever going to be a part of my life again and their was no one to protect me!  no family to protect me or stand up for me!  Being bullied is an indication that your not worth anything,  that others can take advantage of you and your not worth having a family that is suppose to protect you!   .  I have allot to work with here!  But knowing I dont have a father now, and knowing why,  Im somewhat free of it!  I mean; Ive faced allot of stuff! if I can get rid of the bulling aspect, work through it,  face it,  process it and expose it over n over n over;  possibly I can leave it in the past where it happened and live a knew free life!  thats the goal;  I am starting to know how to live again and I dont want this past stuff trapping me in the past!  trapping me in the present!  I will work at it!  so hard;  I have to get help to learn how to get rid of it!   Its a very humiliating demoralizing sickening thing to face;  its one of the hardest hit things to deal with!  its truly horrible thing;  ordeal to face and work through!   . . . Im moving slowly into the recovery process of facing the terror walls of PTSD and walking through them to the other side!  the problem is the child!  The  child wants everything to come back to normal;  but it cant!  the only survival is moving;  moving beyond to a new place;  a place beyond to the other side!  The child in me knows Im damaged and can run the house!  Im not present; I've been to damaged and so the child takes over; the 4 year old that wants to survive!  and the child in me knows they cant deal with the outside world,  they are not trained to do so!  They have no answers for me!  they cant get me to do anything;  Ive been through to much;  I just want to go home and have this nightmare stop!  What happened to my house and my friends!  everything is gone!  I am gone!  no one cares!  they are all murder's!   .  Im not sure what to do!   .  So, I work with God to go through this house!  I work with God to find a new house!  I work with God to take over and make this my favorite day and do the things Im suppose to do for my favorite day!  What do I want to do!  its my favorite day and I wanna feel good!   . The goal is to break through the old walls into a new life!  This could be damaging!  and I must work with God to establish directions and pathways! 

omnicell

omnicell

 

My Relationship

I’m new to talking about...”It”...but my therapist suggested that I find a group of forum to talk to others who may understand...well...me.   I apologize if a blog isn’t the place to do this.  I’m the new girl.  But I need somewhere to unload...lol.  I was officially diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in March.  But I have been struggling with it for a few years now. I hate everything about it.  I hate the person that it makes me become.  My anxiety makes me an incredibly insecure person...I compare myself to every other woman.  (Prettier, skinnier, smarter, more successful, etc).  And I immediately assume that I am not worth the love and attention that my husband gives me...and that he MUST be wanting to give it to someone else.  After all...I’m not worthy.  So, as you could assume...this causes conflict in my NEW marriage.  This poor man constantly feels as though I’m accusing him of being unfaithful when in reality I’m most likely having an anxiety attack and merely needing him to remind me of my worth.  Is this fair to him...?  Absolutely not...but I DONT KNOW HOW TO STOP.  I tell myself to cut it out...hes going nothing wrong...your merely overwhelmed in “life” and your trigger is a woman texting him about the thing he has listed for sale on Facebook.  Ridiculous.  But in my head...this woman is going to come and be so much more...MORE...than I could ever be to him, and he will know that I’m nothing.  And he will ultimately leave me.   Like everyone else has...my entire life.   But he doesn’t understand this.  He gets mad.  He gets defensive.  He gets frustrated.   And I can only imagine that my trying to explain my messed up head is merely excuses to stupid jealous behavior.   We have the most amazing relationship...he is quite literally the jelly to my peanut butter...but I’m not sure he can handle my crazy parts.  And I don’t know how I can ask him to.  I hate them more than he ever could...I almost want to save him the trouble and leave before he does...ha ha.   But I won’t...he’s my person.  But i have to find a way to control these insecurities.  My anxiety is apparently going to happen...how I handle it needs to change.   Any advice you guys can give...I would SO appreciate it!! -A

anj1030

anj1030

 

So like might know about saw on LeBron Zoom Soldier 11

When Kobe Bryant just gone through Paris smacking a kiss towards fans of nike online store uk the orange ball in the Hexagon, Nike does besides use it as a sandwich man every one corners of Europe but additionally shifts new colors intended for his pumps, the Kobe AD Mid. So like might know about saw on LeBron Zoom Soldier 11 or PG JUST ONE, Kobe A. D. Mid landed in African american / Gum version towards the end of October. From this kind of rather classic theme, Nike is founded on a black suede upper base as well as on a rubber single. To add a bit of originality, the side panel houses the traditional Swoosh triple on Kobe A. D. Mid which deviates from white to reddish. We also note the actual midsole that contrasts having a white, even if it is far from immaculate given that many black dots perhaps stolen from the ugly skin of DeMar DeRozan exactly who likes to wear Kobe embellish it. For the relax, nothing but the classic to the mode. The holidays often have started long weeks to get Paul George, the versions of PG 1 continue to keep arrive on the racks of stores. This is how after nike shoes women uk the Glacier Gray edition, an Elements coloring arrives consequently, continuing the collection on the first signature shoes on the Pacers winger. They were expected simply by many sneaker addicts whom see these PG 1 Elements the most effective color so far with the model. If we won't go so far, its clearly a singular edition that deserves real focus. With its olive hue that covers the whole upper, it takes with the chromatic theme Undefeated costly to Nike. Level material, we take a bit of mesh and suede household leather, the latter being instead long, giving all the originality worth mentioning PG 1. The midsole is white and is spotted with black. Black found to the rubber outsole but likewise in other places much like the Swoosh on the area panel and under the particular ankle, and all all over it, on the tongue and lining. Finally, a number of touches of orange complete large palette by appearing for the eyelets, the PG custom logo, the insole or nike air max 1 men the Flywire cables with the strap on the front of the foot. Nike’s Air VaporMax receives another color-heavy update inside Metallic Red Bronze/Black, getting recently dropped Black plus Night Purple iterations. The most recent VaporMax features a multi-colored top with bronze and tan energy, a black midsole as well as matching laces. The kicks as well include a mesh toe cap perfectly paired with nike air max tavas men the black Swoosh. Logos stays minimal with rare metal Nike logos above and also below the lacing unit.

letdowns

letdowns

 

new adidas shoes uk Pharrell inimitable aesthetic towards the range

adidas Originals in addition to Pharrell Williams present the newest chapter in their collaborative Hu string for Fall/Winter 2017, this time turning their own attentions to LA hiking culture including a retro outdoors aesthetic to create a selection of new footwear and outfits designs. The latest selection continues the playful, irreverent identity presented in adidas Originals previous collaborations with adidas trainers sale Pharrell, accenting practical outdoor clothing designs along with pops of color, attractive contrasts and subtle image details. In apparel, simple pieces say for example a t-shirt, tank top plus hiking legging are complemented through developed outerwear designs, such as a hooded sweat, gilet as well as 3L jacket. The range’s shiny color scheme of yellows, vegetation, pinks and purples pays homage towards the vibrant outdoors designs in the late 80s and earlier 90s, finished with embroidered details and graphic patches which usually add a touch of new adidas shoes uk Pharrell’s inimitable aesthetic towards the range. In footwear, adidas Originals along with Pharrell’s popular Hu NMD silhouette makes a welcome return, now being reimagined in a hiker form to build the Hu NMD TR. That shoe’s original Primeknit construction and cage stabilizer gain, placed atop an NMD INCREASE tooling for comfort plus support. The shoe’s original outsole is definitely then switched out for any sawtooth tooling, providing extra grip and solidifying this shoes trail runner sensibilities. Mixing apparel and footwear, the gathering culminates as a lighthearted reimagining of nostalgic adidas football shoes mens sportswear designs, framed from the unique perspective of Pharrell Williams. Even though the temperatures are falling doesn’t mean your style needs to be comprised. For the late fall season, adidas Originals has created the ultimate statement outerwear. Its unique anorak windbreaker, in your gold metallic colorway, strongly resembles gilded foil. The fleece-lined cover is outfitted that has a kangaroo zip pocket and adidas womens training shoes adjustable hood for comfort and convenience. As also needs to touch, adidas rubber-printed its linear Trefoil logo around the front in black as being a contrasting accent. Maximalists will certainly love the attention the particular gleaming piece will get.

letdowns

letdowns

 

shoe gods about at Nike have heard every sneakerhead

It is usually time to start settling set for winter, but that doesn’t mean we can’t savor a lush floral print. Case in point? These expertly-crafted Nike Weather Force 1 sneakers, custom-made intended for G-Dragon. The shoes was created by designer Fakesickness alias KB Lee, previously of California brand Undefeated which posted the sneakers to nike shoes sale uk his Instagram, providing an up-close and personal look at what he has dubbed the actual Flower Road edition. This bright floral print located atop a white mid-sole, while additional touches much like the emerald-green stitching and your peace sign embossed on the tongue make the footwear really pop. Finally, the shoe gods about at Nike have heard every sneakerhead’s prayers of being capable of wear crisp white kicks over the winter, and answered when using the sterling “Winter Whites” wrap. Having had the authentic material uppers swapped out to get more detailed durable synthetic substitutes, the actual Lunar Force 1 Duckboot and adidas trainers men uk Duckboot Low pack the resistant Ibex leather impact, with the SF Air conditioning Force 1 Mid as well as Hi both featuring exclusive edition frost camouflage patterning surrounding the heel counter. Amongst this, each silhouette is fitted which has a high-traction tooling system, coupled with waterproof elements, and military-inspired fixtures for ultimate winter protection. Enjoy an early check out all silhouettes above and today i want to know your thoughts inside comment section following. Afre the wedding of September, Nike were seen pushing its handle the NBA by nudists new jerseys, performance hoodies and nike air max mens uk the Air Force 1 Low Statement. For precious time, the range of Air Force 1 continues to be enhanced with the capability to customize them by using the NIKEiD. So following a NBA logo that taken place on the Nike classic low pumps, you can add that on the NBA franchise that would make you vibrate. Good for a lot of the choice will be difficult in order that they are kiffent of competitors, but it is not really our problem. It is above the heel you could put a bull raised in Illinois, the sunshine shining in Arizona or even a Pacman hawk raging in Georgia. If we present you in photos only some cases, the thirty franchises are going to be well available to associate using their colors the logo that goes well. This customization called NBA Air Force 1 Low Premium option will let you show the tip in the foot the love you wear to the team. Be careful, however, it is not possible to adidas football shoes mens add a little heart next to the logo.

letdowns

letdowns

 

Changes

Asian-soulmate!   I have a friend of mine; we were looking at a magazine at the store!   he gasped as he grabbed the newest version of motor cycle madness or something like that;  and on the cover is a cool chopper with the Asian sexy hot California beauty!  When looking at her,  he's eyes crawled over the pages gazing at her hard sweet body!  No fat,  lean, in shape, muscular;  fit!  beautiful form and poise!  He wanted her because of her exoticness and flash!  To him; she was a cover girl model fit for a cover girl magazine!   .  When I looked at this girl; I did not see what he saw!  I looked into her eyes and really thought about a soulmate!  For when I see Asian women, that is what I see!  it matters not what they look like!  I demand from the Universe that I love the way my Asian-soulmate will look;  However,   I care more about the love I feel for a real Asian-soulmate then about or physicalness!   . Ive worked along time on Asian-soulmate!  It slowly builds,  much like money building interest over a long time period!  Slowly as I work with the universe on Asian-soulmate;  I slowly gain confidence; slowly that I become sane again and back up to speed!   .  Where will I meet her!  Im working with source energy universe on this concept!   I have to work through the bottlenecks that are holding me in one physical place!  Pathways unfolding to my Asian-soulmate!  I fantasize that I go places with nothing but Asian women;  and then God will bring them to me;  my various Asian-soulmates!   . I have to learn to wait on God and stay out of the process;  I have to let them go so God can bring them to me;  He cant bring them to me if Im hanging on them or my self created memories or fantasies of them; their will be no room for them if Im married to my visualizations of them! 

omnicell

omnicell

 

Change childhood thinking to present thinking

Im changing my childhood thinking to present thinking!  The child in me is waking up and moving!  Their is movement in my childhood!  In my childhood thinking!   .  I've got another part of me;  the childhood!  This is a separate entity!  This has a life of its own!  the more this child moves forward, grows and learns,  the better off I am and the more puzzling questions are suddenly answered!  The best thing I can do for myself is fix my childhood and get that childhood to wake up and grow again, start growing where it got shut down!  And I am doing this;  the childhood is growing again!  and it feels marvelous!   . A gap resides between me and where I want to be!  Where do I want to be; I want to be up to speed!  I want this gap filled in with experiences for its age!  This gap is about childhood and specific trends and assignments and experiences of childhood that needs to be re-experienced or experienced for the first time!   .  I have to go back into my life at the age of 7 and re learn or learn for the first time!  So,  this will take some work!  Ill work with God to bring out the experiences that will help me believe again in a magical life!  A life that tells me I can have anything I want;  that the universe will give me everything I dream of!  . Id like to expound on this!  Ill be writing more on it!  its where I'm at in my life; Im like a 16 year old waking up where I used to be asleep!  Its very strange; Im only interested in playing drums and drawing pictures; but thats all I ever wanted at that age!  but I was 2 damaged a human being.  So, Im still withdrawn and isolated!  Im still hiding!  Im not perfect yet, perfectly healthy, I have to work with God on mental health; source energy!  Im just starting to deal with facing some of the pain and losses of my past and to understand how to deal with them!  my past life reads like a person born and lied to and trapped in a haunted house with hope!  Ill die their!  but I dont know that when young;  its already been intended by the filth that created the abuse in the first place!  scary!    .  so,  Im trying to work through everything of a broken   destroyed past and to create something better for myself now!  However, Im not at the creating point yet!  Im at the waking up point!  In the past this would be quit dangerous for me;  I had no hope and no recovery process or rooms for recovery or people!  I wondered around amlessly.  I had nothing!  nothing mattered!   .  Things are different now;  Ive worked very hard to wake up and be in front of my emotions and feel again!  Now that Im interacting with life again, my memories are showing or appearing but not so important!  or they are important but Im not living through them!  or Im living through them; but the whole " living through them"  process is not so important; I've got other outlets!  Im not so  alone!  and Im getting it;  my recovery; meaning, Im getting its deeper important meaning to my life!   But I'm not out of the cold hard life yet!  Ive still got a part of me that is dissociative and Im working on that!  So, I still have a ways to go!  the point is;  Im at the beginning of facing something in me!  something real and something big!  its like an independence!  I dont need people from the past to come back and help me process what happened!  However, as for my grade school years;  Ill have to take that to source energy and work through it!  its more painful,  the neglect and abandonment of my childhood!  Ill keep working on that!  thats whats stoping things now!  thats whats causing this problems.  Im still win a gap!  I'm not out of the gap!  Im moving into a new one!  slowly!  my confidence is trapped in this gap!  its a gap of new people and places and things!  its me now; trying to be who I want to be or become! 

omnicell

omnicell

 

Happy

The goal is happiness!  The goal is happiness without the help of others from the original life I came from!  I would like a dream life;  I would like to dream my life up and go after it and believe its possible and never look back;  and my hatred for the past;  this is possible!  I never wanted to hate the past; but its happening!  Im learning that the past was a giant furnace of fire and I was in it;  I was 2 young to know the difference!    .  Its hard when your completely neglected as a child;  you dont know;  you think your simply independent!  I was 2 young to recognize the signs that I was being destroyed when I was young!  However, they should up!  Nothing was sacred and nothing nothing was safe;  nothing;  but I didnt know; I was 2 young;  I was a child!  I didnt know I had no real friends!  I didnt know I was calling friends my best friends when in secret they and their parents hated me!  I didnt know I was  flunking out of grade school; but I was!  The trenchers or principle of the school had it in for me;  hatred;  they tried several times to make me into a bad kid!  They succeeded when I was in the 6th grade because I had no home and no father to protect me!   .  I didn't know I was going to go through a horrible horrible life that would leave me at the end of a rope;  but I did!  Now Im coming out of it!  and would like my life back!  So, letting go of the past is more then possible!  its preferable!  I had no friends and the idea of family; a myth from a fable!  So, Im extremely fortunate that I get to start over;  and I do!  Im feeling better; However,  Ive but in 20 thousand hours of brutal work within the recovery process to get here!  However,  happily,  Ive but in 20 thousand hours and Im here;  hurray for me;  "  and the crowd cheers loudly".    .  Im looking forward to developing what makes me feel good and going in that direction;  and learning to feel safe in the outside world!  I have plenty of directions in my imagination;  However,  when I step outside I feel like I go nowhere!  so,  I will do imaginative work on the outside world and see where I would like to go in the world and what I would like to do in the world!   .  Many times;  I would like to have money and hide in a house and do things creatively around a house and not leave!  art, music, writing, drama ,  telescopes,  rc rock crawlers and rc trains rc helicopters!  Stuff like that!  So, I will write up what I like to do!  I love to create things and perform!  I have to work with God on this! 

omnicell

omnicell

 

Seeing A Little Light

Today I woke up with a ton of anxiety but now I am feeling pretty well. I had to post a video for an online course and it was making me so anxious. I got it done, was able to do the dishes, sweep, and take a shower. It is amazing how mundane tasks can give me so much anxiety. When I wake up, I see dishes in the sink and it freaks me out. Does anyone else feel anxiety when you think about mundane tasks? It's terrible! I am still waiting for the therapist to call me. It seems to be taking some time so I am going to call tomorrow. I see my practitioner on Monday and I hope that she can tweek my meds a little more to help me with my anxiety. I wish I could find more people to connect with on here. 

MrsMoon

MrsMoon