January 2012. The past year has been eventful to say the least. Met some amazing people, had some bad times, some great times, some frustrating times but lots of laughs too. And now I find myself in charge of a site. Just how did that happen? lol It's never been my intention. I love to help people, in helping people, I help myself. I've said in the past, if it came down to it, I would be willing to do something. I guess I didn't really think it would happen, but here we are!
It's a shame that things didn't work out at the last site. I always tried my best to help it work, doing this was an attempt to make it work. No matter what people thought, my intentions were for the good of us all. To make a site where everyone felt able to come, to get support, to not feel alone and to have a bit of a laugh when it was needed. I took it upon myself to try to push to make it better there, it didn't work, maybe I was wrong, maybe it was meant to happen like this, idk. But it happened, it got out of my control, and now here we are.
One of the things that motivates me every day, and believe me I've been struggling with motivation a lot lately, is all the people I've met in the past year or so. How supporting each other has made such a huge difference. Looking after my paralyzed Mum is a daily struggle, I'm unhappy with that, I know I am. I don't want to have to do it, it's hard enough battling my anxieties but it is what it is. Having such amazing people to keep my spirits up, it keeps me plodding along. I want to thank you all, it means more than I can put into words.
I will give this site my all, we're in this together. It's for us, and we deserve it. xxx
Why should one make a blog?
There are a number of reasons to why making a blog is great, the advantages are:
1 - Relieves Stress
2 - Can help others
3 - Preach what YOU care about
4 - You have control
5 - It can actually turn into a business (like Cake Wrecks).
There are a couple of disadvantages though:
1- Research, can take up time and not always be correct, always double check.
2 - People may read what you see as light hearted chat as to be something mean and nasty.
3 - Trolls, yes they happen on blogs too.
4 - Websites go down
5 - Some blogging sites are difficult to use and puts people off.
Here at AC however it's easy peasy, and within reason you can blog about what you like, but please, if you blogs are hate, racist or too explicit, they will be deleted and information will be passed onto Admin who will then decide which action to take with your account.
Thanks for reading!
Tonight I am lying awake. I have been trying to get to sleep for four hours. I’m home from uni for Easter and Home is the complete opposite of my uni home. My uni house is quiet, very little noise, no loud bangs, shouting or anything disturbing. But Home, there is always noise, the washer, the dryer, my mum pottering, my brother screeching, the tv on too loud and do NOT get me wrong. I love my family, I love Home. But going from one extreme to another does something to a girl.
Too much noise triggers my anxiety, crowded places, bars, cinemas, traffic, the tumble dryer. My ears are sensitive for some reason and all this can really disorientate me, it can give me headaches, makes me snappy with the people I love and then of course makes me hate myself.
So in short, I’ve been surrounded by a lot of noise the last few days and my anxiety is building, I can feel it.
Tuesday I go to Rome. On a plane. And I have a deathly fear of planes, every time I’ve been on one I have a panic attack, no matter how hard I try to stay calm.
I also have my dissertation due in two weeks and I need to be researching and preparing for two shows that I start rehearsing for in three weeks.
It’s fair to say I think that my brain has a lot of fuel for the anxiety fire.
But what I’ve been thinking about for the last hour is how limited I feel by my anxiety. I feel very limited.
I feel terror at the thought of causing a scene on the plane. Which makes me not want to get on the plane and see the world. Thus limited to England.
I feel terror at the thought of not succeeding to the level I’m aiming for at uni, failing and embarrassing myself in front my peers. Thus limited to not achieveing my degree.
I feel terror at the thought of auditioning and being in a movie or on stage and failing. Thus limited to mundane jobs and failing my dream.
I feel terror at not living my life but not knowing how too and being scared to live it in case I get it wrong. Thus, limited to staying safe inside a house, safely existing but hardly living.
And you guessed it, I’m scared of that too.
Deep down I know you should always keep trying to matter what and failing doesn’t mean your the failure and there’s no wrong way to live your life but then there’s the conflict.
Theres the reason I toss and turn and fight with myself for hours. Negative and Positive attitudes raging war within me.
I miss my boyfriend, I feel inspired by him, he has a new job at an incredible place and he’s learning so much and working so hard and he’s tired a lot. And I want to be comforted by him so much but I don’t want to ask for it because he has enough to deal with. I need to support him too.
I didn’t know what to do with my twilight thoughts and then I remembered I had this place and if I’m honest I wasn’t sure anyone was reading my blogs until I got my first ever comment from Jonathon on my last post and it filled me with lightness. Someone is reading this and understanding and I just can’t quite comprehend that. Because I don’t talk to anyone about any of this, not this honestly at least. So thank you. Thank you so much for reading.
Sometimes I weep. Sometimes I just cry my eyes out, thinking of a million different things, not knowing the real cause except whatever it is, is making me cry, silent hot droplets down my face. Weeping.
Most of the time I’ll be thinking about my nephew who passed away. Other popular mind topics are dying. My health. My family and friends. My future. Did I mention dying?
Recuring topics that will always be there, they will never go away and sometimes. When the stars aline, the thought of them makes me weep.
Weep with fear, alone in a dark room.
Waiting to be both completely alone and completely surround all at once.
Weeping feels like a release though. It’s not hysterical, panic driven or causes small screams that I stifle with a pillow.
I will sit or lay down and the tears will just fall down my face. The heat of them always surprising me. It is a release, it doesn’t necessarily make me feel better but something is open and shared when I weep to myself.
Today i weep...I think because I started to think about my nephew but then I started to think about my future and what I want to do. And I’ve been worried about my stomach the last few days too, it’s not felt so great.
So im making a promise to myself, this week I’m going to eat healthy, cry if I want to about it haha but I’m going to do it. I’m going to try and make a doctors appointment to take about anxiety medication and I’m going to keep my future creative. Aim for happiness and you can’t go wrong, someone very smart said that to me once.
I am currently in the middle of an anxiety day.
Last night I had a few drinks, got a bit tipsy at a friends house whilst looking after a his sisters birthday party. We had a lovely time. His parents are welcoming and I’ve met them many times. They took us out for tea during the day, I felt fine. This morning I’ve been very tired and my friends parents took us out for lunch. Somewhere I’d never been and that seems to be somewhat of an anxiety trigger for me. I could feel my tingles over my body, I began catching my breath, finding it hard to swallow and losing my concentration. I didn’t eat much and I was anxious to leave.
I felt awful because I was having a nice time, i was being treated. I’m now in the train back home with my two friends and I am just so tired, my tummy keeps hurting and I’m just not with it.
Im frustrated. I haven’t had anything for a little while. And I was proactive this week and went to see a counsellor, who made me feel welcome.
I want to put it down to being tired, my body isn’t isn’t in its best state and it’s showing. That’s what I want it too be. Whether it is that or not remains to be answered.
For now I’m going to keep as calm as I can on this hurtling train, think of Home, think of my safe space and breathe.
Best wishes to you all,
I can feel myself fraying again. And it is to do with my boyfriend.
I know he would never do anything to hurt me. On purpose. I am a sensitive person, hyper sensitive so the smallest of things can get to me and I have to remember that constantly.
For example, last night I finished a show and it was the end of a 4 week long process and I was tired and I wanted to get home because I wanted to get in bed and I hoped there would be a chance that my boyfriend would be back from work and would want to come over. There were no buses home for ages so I decided to walk the half an hour home, which I normally would do but it was midnight on a Saturday and I like to be safe but nethertheless I walked. I was feeling a bit sad and nervy because the rest of my friends were going out partying but I had lots of bags and I wasn’t dressed right and I dunno, things have to line up right for me to feel like going out. So feeling a bit blue and walking home alone, I called my boyfriend. He didn’t pick up. I got half way home and after feeling like I was being followed I was feeling quite on edge. Of course, it was only another person on the other side of the road and someone behind me just going their own way home possibly but it elevated my state of mind immediately. Then I get a message from my boyfriend saying he’s out in a club (next to the theatre I had just left) with some friends. 5 minutes from home I start hysterically crying, I feel alone, very alone. Now I realise, I’m tired from a long week let alone a long day but I felt very alone I started talking to myself, telling myself that I’ll always end up alone because no one is screwed up in the way I’m screwed up and I began wishing that I was normal and wishing that I was like everyone else, without a brain that doesn’t switch off, without nerves that are so easily damaged and a body that reacts to everything.
I continued to cry when I got home, I managed to calm down but I forced myself to stay awake. Like I am now, writing this. Because I didn’t want to try to sleep whilst feeling like I did.
And I wanted to see, if I stayed up long enough, would he come to me. And I waited and at 3am he asked if I wanted him to come round and I said yes and he arrived. We got in bed and feel straight asleep. I had him in my arms and I got what I wanted.
Right now he is with friends drinking again, like he has every right too. And I am sat in bed writing this because I want him here. I don’t know if I’m protesting, if I’m being a crazy woman?
I want him to have a life, of course, I want him to do everything that he wants in life but not being a priority scares me. And he shows me I am when it really matters. If I said I needed him right now, he would come running. We are going to live with each other in a few months and that should be enough. But I can’t shake this feeling that he’s going to love his life and I’m not going to live mine because I sometimes only feel alive when he is here. I don’t want to smother him. I don’t want to be left behind. I don’t want to be a ball and chain. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want him to run away. I don’t want him to find out. I don’t want to be a second thought. I don’t want to be the first. I don’t want to feel like I’m constantly pining for him when he doesn’t pine for me. I’m afraid I love him, want him and need him more then he does me. I’m afraid I want more then he does, that I need more then he does.
These are just some of rambles in my head. I’m sure you can imagine how they go on and twist and get deeper and darker.
I’m not sure what action I want to take. I just keep telling myself to breathe, that I love him and rationally thinking will come back to me soon. Like it always does, calming me and making me feel like a fool.
So I’ve been back at university for a week now and it’s been very different. I do an acting degree which is possibly the most emotionally/physically diverse course you can think of. I am in my third year so they have turned up the heat. Last week I was in 9 hours everyday and was not even home in the evenings because I had assessment and social engagements. Lord almighty I was busy.
Things slipped. I didn’t do my washing up, tidy my room, wash my clothes and I cried at the end of the second day back because I foresaw the next ten weeks as being as stressful as my first two days.
I’m now in my second week back and the flow has already changed. Today I had a half day and tomorrow I have off. How amazing.
This weekend I tidied my room and did all my washing and even took up crochet, a leisure activity I hope will help in my thinky thinky times I sometimes have that stop me sleeping.
Ive done some really positive things despite my stress, including contacting my university council long service because I realise, even though I feel like I’m entering a good space right now, ignoring the bad moments that have happened will only suppress them. Even if I feel good, I need explanation for the bad times.
Im also finding new dynamics in my relationships with people. I realise I won’t be able to see my boyfriend heeps this term because I have a full timetable but I’ve made it a positive, I normal have trouble sleeping without him because my brain starts wandering but I want to use these opportunities to train myself out of that. I’ve been spending quality time with my housemates, playing board games and having a drink which makes me feel secure in our home. I’ve been honest and sharing with my parents which makes me feel better about the fragile states I sometimes get in to.
I do feel positive now and I’ll enjoy it, for as long as I can. I never plan to fall back into the hole but the next time I do, I hope I read back on this post and remember that good times can be had and I appreciated this moment in my life right now.
Best health and happiness to you all,
A gap resides between where I want to be and where I am! This gap is a continuation of where I was as a child! I had plans and wanted to work hard at those plans; generally in school; and do well! That did not happen; I was not allowed to! I wont go into the details! However, as I feel and become more freed up as a person; I am interested in continuing where I left off as a child! I have to reconnect! I seems that the ages of 9-10- 11-12-13; these years must be healed and new information gone into these years; for I was thrown away in this time period! Theses were horrible years for various reasons; beyond horrible! I was being destroyed! The goal is to work through them; these years! Get to the other side of it!
Im seeing faces of these time periods; some I thought were friends; they are no friends of mine now! and that is not my problem; I have God and I will let them go! The goal is to forget about them and that time period and simply work through all of it then go back before it; and start at where I left off at around 8 years old! we will see!
Lots of gaps reside between me when a small child and the rest of my life; it was literally torn into pieces; and I ended up torn apart into many pieces!
Im trying to fill in the gap; now where Im starting from, know where Im going! I have allot of hurt and PTSD to deal with! I have to work through rupturing; and start again! become independent and have God show up and help!
Unfortune hit me when young and I was thrown away! I did not get the life I had planned on! Now, Im slowly coming back; slowly learning how to come back! I never had any friends and no one in the family systems I was forced to live with; they were all bad people; strangers! The whole experience was a giant nightmare; everything!
Here I am now! The kids I knew when young; I didnt really , know, I was never really accepted by anyone; but did not know it! I was led on by a number of them! so, I had no one! And I know that now! Now; Im trying to work with God to re learn how to have friends and meet the right people! When young, I tried to reach out; con artists and fakes and frauds they turned out to be! They still turn out to be like this if Im around some levels of new people!
Im in the recovery process; they dont count! iTs different with recovery people! its more generalized!
I was truly alone from the day I was born; and lived in a dream world! until everyday faded to death!
Now; I work with God for a new life; write up what I want for my new life as if it is already happened! and I have to do the same for people! its all very hard! all of this! IM ok ; Im getting better! the sun is shinning!~ This is much better then it used to be! I have all lot of personal work to do; in order to find people that would be interested in me! I have to work with God on all of this! its a scary deal for me; I was around very bad people for a very long time!
I have talents or sensitivities never used; intelligence never used!
The ability to do well in school;; never used! Ive been closed off to the world because of trauma! I never expected that to happen! and I was thrown away and done with! and that left me at a place of complete mind erasing! My mind could not take all the trauma and begin top erase itself; to a point of amnesia! I, identity disappeared! Im now trying to learn how to wake up!
I guess Ill pray about being around new people; the right people that value me! I hope I can understand who they are and what they are! I hope this time the universe helps me to learn who Im dealing with; I dont want the same kind of people like before; this time I want them valuing me ! I would say the same thing for my future wife! I see myself as old fashioned! and thats how I always wanted it! to be normal; like an one in my neighborhood! I know, to stay away from opportunist and instead be around nice people! God will have to show me those nice people!
3 years ago my nephew died. He was two years old and it was the biggest shock my family has ever had to deal with.
And today he finally got the white marble headstone he deserves x
I won’t go into a lot of detail but a lot of my family, including myself, went through counselling. It took four months for anyone to get round to seeing us, that’s just how long it takes apparently.
My mum, sister and brother (who’s child we lost) benefitted quite a bit, they felt they could vent and was being heard.
My counsellor was young, not much older then I was and I was 19 at the time. It seemed like to me she didn’t have any experience with bereavement counselling. I felt sorry for her, she seemed new. She did everything by the book and in the end tried to take me down a different path, she tried to treat me for my worrying. Worry therapy. I was full of sadness, rage, frustration and hopelessness. But she didn’t know how to help me.
And it was my fault really. I told her I had had one thought about killing myself and I had dismissed it because it wasn’t the road I wanted to go down, for myself and my family. We had all lost too much already. But every time she saw me it looked like she was glad I hadn’t topped myself and just focused on me filling out worry diaries.
I began to lie to her. Telling her everything was feeling better. I was feeling more optimistic. I thanked her for her help and didn’t return to her again.
I went to 6 sessions over 3 months. And because I pushed everything down it creeps up on me every now and then.
I get Day dreams were I live out the events of the night he died. I get the pain as if it was happening all over again.
I suppose I’ve shocked my nerves, I’ve shaken my core.
I threw myself in to living again, saying that everything I do now will be in the name of my nephew, so he can carry on living through me.
I went to university with the thought of him powering me forward. And I’m nearly at the end of that journey, I’m in my final year, I’m doing really well on my course. But still I get these attacks, visions and low moments.
I didn’t get the help I needed because I didn’t know how to get it and I was tired and weak.
But now is the time I suppose. Better late then never!
To My Nephew,
I love you, I miss you, I live for you and I’ll see you again one day
Your loving auntie x
I hate going to the doctors.
Not only do they bring out all sorts of anxiety symptons when I have to make an appointment and attend the appointment. I always leave feeling worse off then I did before I see them.
Now, I respect these people beyond anything in the world. They work around the clock. They save lives. They get little to no credit. And we expect them to fix us when we don’t even know what is going on ourselves. In that light, I love doctors and it’s why I force myself to see them.
I say I hate the doctors every opportunity I get for many reasons. I hate sitting in the waiting room. I hate calling up for an appointment. I hate sitting there explaining what’s wrong with me. Those are the bits I hate. I don’t hate the actual people. But there is one doctor who really screwed me over one time and I obviously haven’t gotten over that experience, he can go screw himself!
Anyway, my point is. When I talk to a doctor about physical symptons, If I’m ill or injured, they check me over, they tell me what it is and they help me.
The last three doctors I’ve been to I’ve tried to talk to them about my Anxiety. What I can do to help myself? And all three just said, keep calm and breathe into a paper bag.
Breathe into a paper bag? Keep calm? The frustration, the anger I feel now when I’m told to JUST do that is overwhelming.
I saw a doctor earlier this week who told me the same thing. I repeated my question in reaction to her answer, I said ‘Okay yeah, I’ll get a paper bag sure but what can I do to help myself?’ And she palmed me off with the paper bag, keep calm and maybe get a counsellor spiel.
I said thank you, happy new year and left the room in a hurry because the anger was boiling up inside me.
Deep down, I know it’s not their fault. They have so many patients every day, help people with so many different problems. They can’t help me in the ten minutes they have. Not with what I’ve got.
I am going to get counselling. I have looked up a place that might be able to help me. I am determined. But I feel scared for the people who don’t have the fire that I have inside me to get better, who will just breathe into a paper bag for their whole lives and not pursue anything beyond that bit of advice.
My anxiety scares me. But it also makes me angry because I don’t want it to stop me.
Anger feels like the water to quench the flame at the moment.
No paper bag for me.
Leading up to an attack I’ve noticed some signs.
A few days before my chest will begin to get tight and I’ll get zaps. Which are what I can only describe as quick waves of anxiety that flush through my body that make my throat constrict, mouth go dry, catch my breath and quicken my heart. I actually get zaps nearly everyday and I never acknowledged them coz I didn’t think they were anything, just thought they were my body being weird!
Last week however I had a night time anxiety attack.
This last week I’ve been ill with Gastritis and being ill, which I’m learning, is a major trigger for me. Anything wrong with my body or out of the ordinary and my mind goes on a whirlwind of adventures. In two days I summarised that I could possibly:
-Have kidney failure
-Have a blood Clot
-Have stomach ulcers
Thats a lot to process when you just read it, right? Well all that was in my head and circulating for days!
So I’m lying in bed, my chest is tight and my stomach is in pain and all of a sudden my leg starts twitching and I get these Mega Zaps from head to toe which take my breath away. I get these right stabbing feelings in my left boob. And I feel like I’m dying, I’m terrified I’m having a stroke or MAYBE THE BLOOD CLOT IS IN MY HEART, MAYBE MY KIDNEYS HAVE SHUT DOWN, MAYBE MY APPENDIX HAS BURST!!
I keep as calm as I can. Panic makes things worse. We all know that. So I lay there and breathe. I hold my breath in as long as I can do I keep my Carbon Dioxide levels steady. But the Mega Zaps keep going. Now I’m crying too.
And as if by magic my boyfriend messages me asking about my day, I tell him what’s going on and he just lets me talk and I feel calm and my brain slowly gets distracted until I forget what was even happening.
I then fall asleep.
Phew! Over! But I wake the next morning on edge because where did it come from?
I am a third year uni student, I have a lot more on my plate then a lot of courses because my course needs me to be physically fit and mentally engaged constantly. I am looking for a house for next year. I am trying to keep on top of weight. I am trying to look after my family. I am trying to maintain long distance friendships.
And I refuse to believe this is causing me so much stress that I am paying for it in other ways. But that also might be the problem. Thoughts?
Today I emailed a counsellor, to try and get on top of this condition.
I want to be better, I refuse to live in this state. I want to beat this.
So here’s to the fight!
So it all happened quite out of the blue! And it’s a bit complicated, so I’ll start from the very beginning. The summer of 2017 I developed hay fever, which is not uncommon, especially since it runs in my family. My bodies reaction to the hay fever included some asthma like symptons and I was told by doctors that I had Asthma as well. A shock, since I’d never suffered from it before.
So when summer was over I thought I would be fine, no more hay fever symptoms, no more Asthma because the hay fever season was over!
Oh how wrong I was. Beginning of November 2017 I start getting ‘Asthma’ symptons, a tight chest, hard to breathe etc. But the weather had changed, it had gotten very cold and I thought my long walks to uni had just let the cold air get to me.
4th of November arrives, it’s my first year anniversary with my boyfriend and I’m very excited. I get dressed at uni and meet him straight after and my chest gets really tight. We go for a drink and I relax and then we go to a restaurant and all manner of things start to happen.
I cant catch my breath. My heart is racing, my leg twitches, my face twitches, I’m cold and hot and I feel like I’m going to faint in the middle of the restaurant. I excuse myself to go to the bathroom and because I think it’s my asthma I take a few puffs on my inhaler. No good. I stare in the bathroom mirror and tell myself not to screw this up, it’s an important special day.
I go back to the table, my boyfriend is very concerned. Our starter comes and I can’t swallow. Everything is getting caught and waves of panic rush through me when I can’t swallow and I choke. I don’t understand what’s happening. My boyfriend asks if I want to go home. I say no but I really want to. I explain to him how I’m feeling and he holds my hand and tells me I’m shaking. I didn’t even notice that both my hands were trembling. He asks if I want to go home again, I say no.
Our main comes and I feel sick to my stomach. I can’t move. I can’t think. I can’t talk. My boyfriend looks terrified. But I manage to get out that he should eat, I want him to eat and then we can go. So he eats, flashing me concerned looks and I feel so much guilt, disappointment and fear running through me. I’m holding my necklace over my mouth and I just look down. A waiter comes over to ask if there’s anything wrong with my food and I don’t know what to say, so quietly I say I don’t feel well but don’t worry and she asks again coz she doesn’t hear me and I just want to cry. I repeat myself louder and she leaves. My boyfriend decides he’s finished his meal, even though I can see he has only eaten half and asks if I want to get some air. I say yes and he takes me outside, he gets stopped by one of the waiters asking if I need anything and I just rush outside. The cold air does nothing. I feel faint and sick and it’s not getting any better. My boyfriend comes out and I ask him to go pay and grab my things because I need to go home. He returns quick as a flash and helps me into my coat and then I start to cry and shake violently. He held me close and all I could get out of my mouth was that I was scared.
He whisked me onto a bus immediately and it was one that could either take us home or to the hospital. And he asked me a few times if I needed to go to the hospital. But I knew if I got home and got in my bed I would feel better, I just knew it.
So he took me home and did breathing exercises all the way back with me. And when we got back he comforted me until I calmed down and I cried again and explained how I had ruined our special day. He told me, it didn’t matter because everyday is special and he loved me more then anything.
So I had calmed down. And I had also realised in that evening how much of a wonderful person my boyfriend was. I don’t know what I would have done without his support through that ordeal.
So that’s the end right? NO
So I wake up the next day and my chest is tight again, so I go up to the uni doctors, they are shut. I call my GP twelve times, no answer. So I sit on a wall and start google searching things like ‘asthma help?’ and I come across the number for Asthma UK, I call the charity number and get through to a very sympathic nurse who listens to all of my description of the night before and what I was feeling and proceeds to tell me that I need to go to A&E ASAP and get a stronger inhaler and steroids because my Asthma was putting me in the danger zone. So I hang up, cry and call my boyfriend, who THANK GOD had the day off, he meets me half way to the hospital and I see a Doctor called Juan.
Juan listens to my tale of woe and then looks me straight in the eye and says. You don’t have Asthma. He then checks me over to double check and looks at me again. You don’t have Asthma. So I stare at him back, begin to cry and say ‘Well what the hell happened to me then?’ And I wasn’t expecting what came out of his mouth next ‘You had a severe anxiety attack’.
He then went on to explain that my hay fever does give me asthma like symptoms but that’s all they are, they are asthma LIKE not actual asthma. And he was dumbfounded that 3 doctors had told me that I have Asthma when they have listened to my symptons and checked me over.
He couldn’t explain to me why I had had an anxiety attack the previous evening. He thinks it was brought on by the excitement I was feeling, mixed with the nerves of it being a big date, it being cold outside and warm inside etc etc. But I’d never had such a huge physical reaction before to anything like that before.
I asked him how I could help myself and he just said I needed to relax but more less just take a chill pill and ride it out because until I’m 26 and my brain stops developing then I’m more or less going to be on this rollercoaster of highs and lows I can’t control. Well Done Juan, tell the newly diagnosed anxiety patient that nothings in her control and she’ll just have to deal with it, shake her hand and tell her good luck.
So that was it. I left with my boyfriend who took me home, cooked for me and forced me to relax in front of the tv.
Now I think it’s important to disclose that I’m not a stranger to anxiety, like I get anxious in big crowds and I have claustrophobia and I’m a certified worry wort and I’m a good pals with ye old depression that likes to come visit a couple of times a year to let me know she’s still around. And my god, I’ve had my share of panic attacks, screaming and crying myself to sleep when my overactive vivid imagination runs a little bit too wild.
But a panic attack is nothing like an anxiety attack. Not in my experience. They feel totally different. Now I don’t know if my panic attacks have developed into anxiety attacks or if they will be separate experiences but Panic Attacks for me, come on when I’m alone, normally at night when I’m over thinking and it’s all personally and short lived and I’m fine, if a bit touchy the next day.
Anxiety Attacks creep up on me for a few days now and then bam! Doesn’t matter where I am or who I’m with, uncontrollable physical reactions that I can’t hide.
And it’s terrifying to be left to your own devices, you feel like a ticking bomb and you don’t know when you are going to go off next. Especially when all they tell you to do is Breathe into a paper bag.
I don’t know how to help myself but I plan to find out.
Thanks for reading, peace out!
I completely missed out on all schooling! From the day I was born; I was being marginalized and used! exploited! When in the first years of schooling; nursery school, first grade! I had goals and plans! I wanted to do great things! I did not realize no one cared! I thought I had support back then; I did not! no one cared! I was completely alone and didnt know it!
My schooling would start falling apart in the second grade; I would have to take summer school in the second grade because of lack of work! No one cared if I got my homework done! I was 7 years old?; I certainly knew nothing! And this went on until the 5th grade, after this, Im destroyed and thrown away; a disposable child! They had their fun up to the point I was about 9 or 10 years old; then the keepers of this system split!
I was never in the school system; I just showed up! I never did home work accept a bit in the beginning! later, I did home work but could not put much attention to it; I was not being trained to do so; I had to deal with others things; like lack of love! now, looking back; it makes me want to get sick; these people you call ( parents); acted like nothing was wrong while they were purposely making sure I and others did not develop! These people were in their 40's; They new better! They were just using us!
My schooling completely died by the age of 10 or 11, and never came back! My college years were as bad! I was like an old man because of the trauma of my nervous system! I did not know what I was doing in school; I was full of rage and hatred and could not think strait concerning all that had happened to me! I could not be in college; I tried over n over n over! I should have been in a nut house! it was ridiculous!
In college, I was simply hiding from everything and my pain with no direction! I would go then flunk out and go and flunk out and go and flunk out! I did not know what was wrong with me! trauma was the problem! traumatic shock and developmental trauma disorder or CPTSD! Long term PTSD! I should have been in a nut house, but no one cared! it was a joke! I tried to do what others did! I kept flunking out and dropping out! I never did use my intelligence it was imbedded deeply in me; I could not access it because I had no interest in the things the college system was offering because I had no direction and no leaning from grade school or junior high or high school;; the only thing I got from those places; massive bulling! I was labeled a worthless trouble maker by the school system if they could get away with it! I had no grades and almost didnt make it out of high school; it was unbelievable! This was from neglect!
The schooling situation was for hiding from reality; if only i could start at another school then maybe everything in my life would look and feel normal and Id be on my way! but it never happened! Id go to a new place and the same problems! Id end up with horrible grades, dropping out and spending most of my time hiding in the library from the outside world for relief! I did this at 5 or 6 different schools! I would drop out and hide in someone basement; a relative! I did this until i was 27 years old! I was so fucked up by that point from burnout and PTSD I could no longer function! finally at the last school i was at! i could no longer function coherently; I could not write anymore or talk anymore or relate to the human experience anymore; I was shutting down from dissociative disorder! and it will get worse! Im about 30 years old by this time! a complete state of hopelessness, lost and confession and a complete strange waist of life! I was like an 8 year old inside the could not face the outside world; I could only face those things up to about the emotional level of an 8 year old! or 5 year old or 3 year old!
Laziness; and what to do about it!
Laziness comes from hopelessness! I am overwhelmed with whats in front of me and my thoughts are all doomed thoughts of me as victim; whats the point; why bother!
So, I have my work cut out for me! Staying in my own little world and space keeps me safe from the terrifying world outside, but it also blocks me from having a life!
My goal is to work with God aligning short term goals; these are appropriate goals to assist with blocking laziness before it can block me and take over! For this to happen; I have to be in contact with source energy universe God/Jesus!
imagine your in a circle with candle about 3 feet out from you in all directions; completing a circle! My goals are the same; first I get short term goals and then I align them with source energy; and go do them I guess.
give them to God and let God bring them to me! and wait on God and stay out of it; thats the most important part I have to learn. I have short term goals; stay out of them; do not blindly seek them or start them;. I have to be able to define them and take action toward them with Gods help! its the training I'm interested.
The recovery process;
So, Ive officially made it to a point of where I used to be when younger! I was alone and thrown away! but my symptoms of mental illness had not kicked in to a point of 110% disability! I was on my way; about 70% disability! Actually 100%, but I had to function some how; finally I gave out!
Now, after years of recovery work; Im back to where I was at in college! thats not a good place; but much better then its been! I was completely insane for a long long time; Im slowly coming out of those systems; but to the level before I found recovery! Actually Im worse then before I came into recovery! However, Im think Im making my point!
So, now what! I have a nervous system prone to breaking down; its aways on red alert from long term PTSD/developmental trauma disorder! CPTSD. Avoidance; dissociative disorder!
The point is; Im not longer interested in the past stories; the goal today is to work through the PTSd on a daily basis and create a new story for my future and for right now; and for an hour from now and a week from now and a month from now and 6 months from now and a year from now and 5 years from; 10 years from now! Work on this stuff!
I have a lot of work to do on myself to come out of my past or memory system!
The goal is to understand that my nervous system is broken and ruptured; its on PTSD red alert all the time; always being triggered! Its hard to function at anything! The goal is to not care about this story and go do what I want to do anyway or I like to do! However, their is a wall of shame and pain and hatred and anxiety and fear Associated with doing what I want to do; it takes me back into childhood and I relive everything! so, I have to pick things I really like or feel good about; and learn what it is that I really like and feel good about . What makes me feel good; focus on that!
At times; I have to remember; Im in the recovery process; and as long as Im in this recovery process; Im dealing with Immature people! These are people that think they can get away with using me! They simply think Im a loser who they have contempt for! They think they are better or superior and yet play a manipulation charm roll with me! They have nothing but contempt using others to make themselves feel superior! unfortunately, I feel I need the recovery places! If I interact with these people, I get shot down! ITs as simple as that! they will attempt to put me down in every way they can if I let them; This means; allow them! They are stupid! its that simple! So, at times, they are friendly and I suppose I can walk up to them and be friendly! I cant! Just because they are friendly with each other; doesn't mean they've invited me into the conversation! They are part off the normal-ite classes! I am from the trauma class! I forget their view of me at times; its not good, They dont know who they are talking to! The problem is; Im talking to them; Im to friendly with them! thats the problem! The biggest problem is desperation for people to talk to! I get desperate and lonely! so I reach out to the people around me! big mistake! they are rude! The best thing I can do is leave them be; they are stupid people! They can see nothing in me! and dont care! They have their needs met and feel superior to start with; I will say this again; they think; from the beginning that they are superior; and this is based on?; nothing! They have no idea who they are talking to when their talking with me! I have symptoms of problems; and its these symptoms their talking to! However, its more shallow then that! They dont care either way! The problem is when I attempt to interact with them! They dont care! I mean nothing to them; they never needed me to have a face or personality in the first place! However, for me, their so open and friendly, they seem to open; I can walk up to them and talk with them! Wrong! They want to play act this superior roll; so, they will talk to me if they get to play this roll; It has nothing to do with honoring me! They could careless! They are friendly and open, and if I play the subordinate roll; everything is fine! ITs so stupid, its dangerous! Dangerous to my mental health; its almost exploitation and mental abuse! I have to write about it and work on it! They charm and sweat talk as if its really working; its kind off sickening! and its a sign their is no respect here for anything; just these people using others and attempting to use me the same way as if Im letting them and Im a fool! The truth is; I have to go somewhere; anywhere for human attention! And I trust and work with my higher power! and thats what Im suppose to do!
Whats got me bothered is how gullible I am! or lonely or desperate; thats a better word for it; desperation! I know; looking back on it! the way I presented myself to these people; the fist day I met them! they probably see me as the same person the first day they met me! Ive changed; but they dont notice or care because they never noticed or cared in the first place! I needed them more then they will ever need me!~ They are simply looking at me as a stranger they could care less about; and nothing has changed! they are stupid and dont know anything! The problem is; Im stupid for associating with them and then bitching about it later! I knew what they were, I got another bite on the neck from them; Im learning! They are the big top circus ring leaders and Im a nabob! I have no social status with them because they never suggested they were going to give me any in the first place! I make the mistake of thinking I'm in a social situation; Im not in a safe one! Is easy to relax and think everyone loves me or is thinking about me! they are not! I have to keep working with God on all fronts to get me to the right people and away from the wrong people! its up too me! A gap resides where Im at and where I want to be! I dont continue to be around people that do not treat me with the respect I deserve!
As I mentioned before! If I take the blame off these people and look at the situation; Im desperate to be around people that recognize me! my talents, intelligence! They are not it! They are really open; but not for the higher level me; they would never consider me an equal! And thats a danger sign! a serious danger sign!
I have to keep working with God on this stuff! and wake up!
I have to remember; I was going to die before by s****de; I would be permanently disabled by dissociative disorder and I would be de mobilized by resentments and hate and sadness and guilt and remorse and how my life was ruined and thrown away! But that is changing! and now I must deal with the fear of that change! Or, take it to God and work with God on all things and look at what I want and look at restoration of my life! That is the hardest hit subject! I have allot of PTSD that clouds everything; puts up walls on everything that I can see anything; I cant see beyond the false impressions shoved into the backdrops of my mind! Its like climbing a slippery walls! I must work with God for a solution!
Im sick of being around these filthy fucking people Im around; not that the good ones are bad; but the bad ones are! ITs not really correct to say all people are bad or even any bad; Im suggesting Im in the wrong place; thats a better way of looking at it! Im tired of being forced into no choices for my life. I need to be a specific places to grow! and I have to decide what Im looking for!
Intimacy is a huge problem; dating is almost impossible! Im to scared! But Im not scared of attraction, Im afraid of dating the wrong people and getting relational aggressive attacks against me! As for women; it seems their are allot of women that hate men! I dont want to date them! I want the ones that dont hate men; because of my lack of money; Im afraid m only going to be able to attract the low lifes-;/ or thats my excuse! and then theirs my hate! but that hatred is for the arrogant! I dont hate the upper middle class; I guess/, I fear them; Ive seen what they can do; I despise them; Ive seen what their like; 2 faced! I hate that their ever around me; they live off of other people; their opportunists at the expense of the poor! I knew some of them when young; the privileged classes! I made the mistake of becoming friends with them; they were no friends of mine; especially when they found out I was not one of them; then I was shunned and destroyed out of existence! where they better; no; they were rich! Their is a kind of affluence with it! Looking back; Im sad I ever met that filth! any of it! Personally, I dont care; meaning, I despise these people but would rather spend my day thinking of better things; I wish I had had a different life then it wouldn't matter! I had no place to go; I ended up where ever I could to survive! I didnt know who they were! I didnt know they were evil! I didnt know what I was getting myself into! I dont have to be around those kinds of people anymore!
Women; I dont want uppity grandiose upper middle class American style women that think everyone owes them something! I dont want those kind of people around me! I guess I have to stop wanting to attract them and decide what Im looking for! Unfortunately; Im wanting to change them! Turn them around into something good! But that aint the right direction! The direction is to get over my resentments about the past and look at what I do want; the kind of women I want around me! the style, the kindness and calmness! The normalness; the down to earth type of person! In order for this to happen; I have to get rid of the deep hatred and anger of the past of what happened to me!
I dont have any problem with the upper middle class or upper middle class women; as long as I stop thinking about them and not have them associate with me; everything is fine! I mean; As long as they are not who I have to date; Im fine! But who is left! I wont attract anyone else! I feel stuck, like a fish out of water! I come from a specific background and Im not sure how or who to date; who am I looking for! I have to go to the core of this and start writing about it! Who or what am I looking for! I was looking for upper middle class broken women? that does not sound very good to me; I dont wont those kind of women within a hundred miles of me! But their is something about their success I want! Yes; but I have to get rid of that way of thinking! I dont need them; Im not a 4 or 5 or 6 year old child that has to be around them! I can work with God and become who I am suppose to become! and decide the kind of women Im looking for!
What kind of women am I looking for! down to earth; but can I protect a down to earth women! I dont know what I can do in this society! Im on the outskirts! I dont have anything or any personal pull or power in society! I have nothing out here! Im going to take this to God to work on! Im stuck in society; can't go one way or the other!
What do I want! and I have to believe in it! thats what Im working on! and put God out in front!
Ive wanted women to save me! protect me?; that sounds kind of funny! But the child in me wants to be protected! I have to become more of a man! I have to get rid of the past!
Having to wake up in my situation is hard to do! I dont know what to do! Im in a situation; Im on state financing and live in a little town for reasons of recovery and nothing else! its not much of a life! in fact; theirs no life; nothing! Im surrounded by people in the recovery process; at times it feels like a train station! Your sitting their; people are coming and going and thats about it! you dont know anyone; they just come and go and walk by you! you dont reach out to most ! and most dont care! you are not connected to anything or the anything in the world; that connection is to immature; to big a gap!
The interesting thing for me; I didnt kill myself! Im not planning on it! I was; for most of my life! and Ive seen others end up that way! many of them!
Dealing with anything in the outside world is to much for me! Im relying on the laws of attracting what I want! thats a start! But I feel like a little kid that has been thrown away for good and that is what happened! Im the one who chooses life; no one else cared if I was dead or alive!
Women and friends and waking up;
Im not sure what to think! I would like to be around other people that appriciate me! I would like to be around people I can trust and that dont play games! Im not chasing; Im n to in the mood.
Im not chasing! I would like to be around people I can understand that dont play games! So, I have to feel good enough about myself to be around these people! I have an unbelievable belief that people are not on my side! And I have to change this! I hate that I have to change this! its hard to be in charge because I then have to take the chance! I dont like it! Im working with source energy for help! and I have to stay out of it and learn how to be happy again so I wont expect it from anyone else! its all hard! I dont like it!
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A journey and a gap reside between me and women and the adolescent time period and my father and bullies! They are all rapped into this! One after the other controlling me before I get a chance to grow and develop! I never get a chance to become myself! Its hard felt, all of this because Im being thrown away at this point when Im young and I dont know it! but the people Im living with know it and know what their doing and they've planned it this way!
Im so naive during this period I actually dont know what they are doing; Im still innocent enough to go back to them because I dont know the sinister intent of their goals! I had absolutely no idea I was being exploited and thrown away! It happened right under my lack of awareness! but I was a child and could do nothing about it! Just as bulling happened when I was underage and did not know what to do about it! I was in shock from being thrown away and my life was for ever changed within an instant! I was complete thrown away with no provisions on what to do! It matter not who I lived with; they didnt want me! and they had all of that planned! My mother moved away as fast as possible to the other side of the state and found other men and families to get involved with! She was not planning of seeing me again! However, legally she had no choice! But it would have been better for me if I had never gone that direction! probably would have been better that I be on the streets! but I did not know about the streets or anything else! I knew nothing! I was 10 years old!~ My father was gone; he has been a fraud! He was using my mothers money! Thats the only reason he was their; thats the only reason I knew him! when the money stopped; he was gone! He had lived off my mother pretending to look successful, buying snowmobiles, skiing, buying trucks and going on vacations! He was trying to look or act like the family man to other rich people in the community! In reality, He was a narcissistic sociopath/ potential serial rapist! He got into trouble concerning young women several times after he left! In one case, a ****d trial was brought against him; he was a prettier and a thief! No conscious! The most important aspect for me; they got rid of me when I was 10 because I was getting to old! They had their fun with little children; They got to play the adult role with children! and then get rid of them once they get to old! and that was that! no conscious! I was being exploited the whole time! The whole time; from the beginning!
I have massive problems after the age of 8! The world comes in and destroys me, pulling my life out from underneath me! I am ripped to pieces, torn to pieces, and trampled underfoot and I have to watch this day after day, happening to me; my life being destroyed, and I can do nothing about it! and no one cares! and Im in a state of confusion and shock, while bullies are allowed to dismantle me on a daily basis in the school system; My schooling completely utterly destroyed! No one cares! Only the middle class kids get to go to school and learn something because their money and their families protect them! I had neither! I was a sitting duck! And if I ended up dead from s****de, and I probably would; no one would have lifted an eye brow! Nothing; Zero!
I am now suppose to have enough self esteem and courage and lack of fear of this same world that killed me; Im now suppose to go back into it? really! So, the goal is to head back into those years and take God, stay out of it; create a new life on paper; a safe life, thank the universe as if its already happened and go fourth working with God and allowing God to bring me what I need and what I want that will work! I have to be grateful and stay out of it! I have to be in alignment of it and work with God first on this alignment; when God and I are seeing the same path in unison; things can get done! Thoughts turn to things!
Im trying to get new thoughts in place of the old! New thoughts for a new life! Its very hard; Im willing to do this! and the lessons I learn bring me closer to the willingness to do this! its all about a change of attitude! That change of attitude about things is what Im really looking for; looking to work for!
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In my past; I was completely wiped out as a human being! actually totally destroyed! When I came back or had to leave or left a bad situation where I was not wanted; I was living with a group of people; a family I was not wanted in! I had been a throw away long before this and had to leave! I was in more shock and more shock and more shock! I had always gone through bulling since young! but it really hit about the 6th grade! Thats when it started to show up!
When I was in the 7th grade I started getting bulling by a specific person that bullied everyone! I was so regretful that I allowed it to go on! I did not know what to do and had no place to turn! I did not know what to do! later, after 2 years, I left that area for a new area; I stayed at that new area for 2 or 3 years, getting nowhere, I was bullied again with no human direction and I wasn't wanted! I had no place to go! no home; my home had been sold out from underneath me! So, I had no place to go! no home, no town; nothing! I was given away long ago! When I returned to this town, where I had no home; I had to live with people I thought were my friends! In reality, they had been fair weather friends! They were never my friends! probably no ones friends; ever; they just used people and never told you!
I lived with these people; fake friends! in shock; I was stuck their and didn't understand; they had never been my friends and I meant nothing to them! They were never my friends! I happened to live in the area, so I would visit! and thats all it was! nothing more! I didn't know this! I thought they liked me or appreciated me or accepted me or valued me! In reality, I meant nothing! I was just someone hanging out at their house; I was a stranger!
When I went to school, I was a senior in high school; the same bully was waiting for me that I saw in the 7th grade and it started right up as if it had never stopped! I was simply stunned and in shock! and I could not nothing about it! All of this left me paralyzed in shock and could not function! I could not get involved in anything; my schooling was destroyed! it had already been destroyed!
So; I was shut out of everything! I got nowhere; just became more dissociative! These people I was living with, they finally kicked me out saying I was no good worthless drifter; good for nothing scum filth! They said I was just living off them and wanted me out! I was stunned and heart broken and totally confused! Later, I would not be so confused! I would understand what I was actually dealing with! This was not about me! Ive found that the facts of a situation reveal the truth! and the truth was; I was not the only one complaining about these people; the people I lived with!
As for schooling! It was all destroyed! I had no home; I had nothing! No one cared about me or what happened to me; I was a throw away! It was not my fault! if I was dead or alive, no one cared! no one cared if they ever saw me again! This was based on the family system I came from; nothing more! It had nothing to do with my worth as a person! My worth as a person had no value to anyone! They based things on family money, nothing more!
The problem with the schooling situation; I could not do anything about it! nothing! I could do nothing about anything! I was so full of long term PTSD that I could do nothing! And I didn't realize I had no friends; no one! I was all alone, over n over n over!
Now; Im attempting to fix all this! and don't know how! Im working with God to try to face this bully and this schooling problem of the past! I don't know what to do! I have to work with God; Im still traumatized by it!
Im looking to open this part of my life up and attempt to clean it out and heal from it; if I can face this humiliation!
So, last spring I decided to try something new. The junk in my drawers mixed with loads of leftover stuff from my childhood started to get a but too much. I thought about it all the time and then I started to look into minimalism.
I thought it would be a hard and anxious process sorting and giving everything away, but it was actually pretty liberating. I guess part of that is a feeling of control, but letting go of all the obligations I felt to my stuff really opened up my life. Now I can have a lot less storage space and it helps me get ready in the morning even better because I don't have to try anything on to see if it fits.
Another thing I found out is that there are really no set rules to being minimalist. It's all about what makes you happy. Want to keep your photo collage? Great. Like that watch? Keep it. Don't like that sweater, give it away. Simple. I have a large collection of hair scrunchies because my hair is a very unruly curly fluff most days and I like the choice, so I kept that. I don't have to feel guilty about it at all.
In the past 5 months, I haven't felt any regret. It's helped with my anxiety a lot and I can focus on things I actually need to instead of spending all day tidying my room or trying to find something in a drawer full of empty markers. If you're thinking about it, I'd say go for it. If you're on the fence, sort through your stuff and keep the stuff you're iffy about in a bag for a couple weeks. If you don't take anything out of the bag, then you probably don't want it anyway and it can help to get rid of some of the excess in your life.
Have you tried minimalism or anything cool that's helped you? Let me know
Well, it's been a while.
Nice to start typing again even if I'm not sure who will read it. I hate to do all these entries when I'm not doing well but it's those times I need to the most.
Finals are coming up pretty fast now. I thought I was ok with everything but for some reason it's starting to creep in again. Quite a few times in the last couple weeks I've been too anxious to drive and I've had to ask for a lot of help which I hate. Plus, help has always been unreliable for me. Often people close to me will say they'll help or they'll do something and then they just don't. I guess I hate trusting people to help me.
Then there's the anger again. I don't want to process what happened to me. I don't even know fully what happened to me. If it was who I think it was I still him every family gathering. If it was who I think it was why didn't anyone warn me, and why did they trust him? Then there's the other thing. I hope to god that was the thing that traumatized me, because if it was then I know and I don't have to think about someone in my family who I trust violating me that way. Then just anger at the world. Anger about why. Anger at my skin, and my brain and my heart. I guess when you bottle all that up for so long it really makes a mess when you start to pour it out.
It's tough, but I just have to keep pushing through it all. Once I get through finals and my boyfriend is back I can feel relatively normal again. I can forget some more and be happy.
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